Belief

Just the other day on two separate occasions at work, I was validated by two completely different types of customer

The first being a mother of two children. Where as I started working on installing their new shower , her children questioned Mum about me. And after explaining what I was there for, she commented to me on how the children rarely see a female tradesperson. I must admit that made me smile as a mother of two affirmed me as a female in front of her children

The next was on a construction site where the tradies were unloading my van , there was some sort of discussion which I never actually  heard , but the comment " Don't do arguing in front of a woman ". Now that I did hear
and I must admit I blushed and smiled with glee. even though my very next thought was, Oh he's going to cop a ribbing about that

Two completely random events that combined with the positive responses I have had from strangers should surely empower me and give me strength to continue. and realise that maybe just maybe they really do see a woman  coming to do a job that is usually dominated by males, or a woman coming to do some shopping

And combined with walking into a fashion house to find the manager hunting for more clothes for me to try and parading me like I am her new clothes horse , Walking out of there after three hours of being pampered, dressed up and told how beautiful I am. with bag loads of gorgeous clothes at less than trade price. And  having her play the Thai version of "Please marry my son " (which actually made him blush ). Now surely all that should make me wake up.

But No... 

Funny how that doesn't really work out. Even after two years of transitioning and semi confidently going out as my true self fulltime for the last 4 months. I still at times find it difficult to believe... that, maybe just maybe I am passing and much more feminine looking than I think.

I know I look better than I ever did three four years ago , when I had a constant beard shadow carrying 20 kilo of extra fat and an expression that would scare a statue into dust, as I lumbered down the path looking more like a character from a horror movie. If I had been any more of a Neanderthal you would be looking for the bolts holding my neck in place
 

So why is it that I still find it so difficult at times 

to have that belief in myself 

I swear if i wasn't so adverse to violence

 I'd give me self a damn good SLAP!!!

It seems that lately I am being received far better that I could ever have wished for. Being accepted as just me not as some side show act for their entertainment. And yet even then I don't always see what they see in me

Colour me Dumb