Dumb Ass

For months now (OK a year) I have been lamenting the lose of someone very special in my life here in Melbourne
as is pretty obvious from most of my updates .
Someone that I had always enjoyed spending time, as we exploring this great big city together.
(remember that I come from Adelaide, a small village in South Australia. OK, so it calls itself a city but at one square mile and less than a third of the population of Melbourne, its a small village)
We would regularly catch up for a meal or just go skating and other fun things that we used to do.
So many of my fondest memories included her, just lying in fed square with her is still one of my favourite memories
Despite having some great close friends, not having her in my life really sucks

And the silly part of this, is that its probably my fault in more ways than I care to admit.
At the time I was having so much difficulty reading her motives and expressions I assumed, that she had lost all interest in me ( this may be true).  However having disabling panic attacks, that prevented me from having anything of a social life with her and telling her to forget about me over and over again , did not really help my cause at all.
Yes I was screaming for her help, help to see more of this city, help to learn how to feel and help to find a way to integrate myself in the community as a functional person, not this twisted wreck I feel like now.

Even after all this time I still find myself wanting to ask "how she's been" and "how her studies are going"       ( not that I need to ask at all, she's so damn smart).I don't even ask our mutual friends about her, even though they know that I'm curious about how she's doing.

But the two things that really surprised me were,

1.  Her her partner is going through a rough patch, and all I want to do is reach out to them and offer my help and support and to let them know I care for them.
2. Recently I found myself in a position to offer something of benefit to, either her partner or my close friend.
   both of these people invest an enormous amount of time and energy into bettering our community.
   Suffice to say that I had to ask a third party for advice, as I did not want my decision affected by emotions.

I know that I need to move on and put her out of my mind, but I have only ever done that to one person, his treatment to me was tantamount to physical and psychological, abuse mixed up with a healthy dose of theft not bad for a friend of 16 years.
I have never been good at forgetting the ones I love, even when that love changes or when I realise their the psycho ex

So I guess for now. I'm stuck remembering a friend that I no longer get to see or hear from. but whom I'll never forget

Heartache

I should be over this by now. Right?

But every  few days I think back on the friendship burgeoning into a little bit more as each day passed
the long chats filled with innuendo and promise of more to come
The flirting using my fantasies as bait to draw even more from this emotionally scared person(me)
And the lovely meals at new and exciting venues followed by our tryst in the back seat

I should be able to put these out of my mind and realise that what I felt was in no way similar to what they felt
Surely its been Eight months And Thirteen days since we were last romantically together
And its been over three months since we have had anything that would count as a real conversation or friendship
And pouring my heart out to them how much you value them and miss there friendship, only to get the reply "DITTO"
sorry but that line only works in movie's and even then it portrays their emotionally disconnected state

So if I know all this. Then why am I still hung up on the first person I allowed close enough to hurt me, leaving me a constant stumbling Idiot pining for the loss of you
Even now I wonder if I really want them back in my life or if would still like them now

Unfortunately that doesn't stop the pain I feel. and to make things worse we both have the same circle of friends and community so obviously we attend similar events and parties

I just wish that the first person to come kicking down my walls wasn't somebody that I cared so deeply for
if you had just been a one night stand I would be fine
But no I had to go and fall in love with you !

                                          

this is my favourite version 

after the original

I heard this song with a good friend while we were out shopping on my birthday, when this song came over the store stereo system .
She commented on how good the song is ,then told me not to listen as the lyrics may
somehow hurt me as she stood there biting her tongue and waiting for me to cry
And they do exactly that as they remind me of the hurt the pain and the rejection
from somebody that I used to know
And the knowledge we will never have that or anything close is a little death every time
As much as I love this song I cant help but cry for my loss

And still every day I hope that one day we can be friends again
as more than anything I miss their company

Friendships

This is just to random
I periodically check my junk mail to see if anything important slipped through the filter and low and behold I find this little gem from Tara the medium
Yes its true I'm guilty at times of getting sucked in by the promise of what she has to offer, and paying a fee for advice
I'm a dreamer ,so shoot me
but this one in the light of what has been going on in my life with friends that I cannot contact and friends that have stopped contacting me . I just have to share this

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Dear Alice,

We all live in a specific location. We have certain activities, we’re surrounded by certain people, and we all lead a certain kind of life. Among the people you know, your friends are very important, whether you have one or many.

First you have to know who your real friends are, and differentiate them from simple acquaintances. The best time to do that is when things get tough.

An acquaintance will always find an excuse for not helping you out, or coming to see you. But a real friend will always be there to offer comfort and come to your aid, sometimes even before you call on them!

You don’t have to wait for something terrible to happen to know who would help you when you have a problem. Think about the people around you, and those you consider your friends. Then imagine a difficult situation, and try to figure out who you’d be able to count on under such difficult circumstances.

Draw up a list of who you think your real friends are, and then be straight with them. Above all, don’t let minor arguments ruin a great friendship.

Before you start a fight with someone and say things you may regret later on, think hard and ask yourself whether the friendship you have is really worth sacrificing because you’re angry.

If the answer is no, do what’s necessary to reconcile with the other person, whose help and support you’ll need one day. Also let them know they can count on you at any time.

Your devoted friend,

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In short just because I haven't contacted you in a while or seen your smiling face does not mean that I don't think about you

I spend almost all my spare time wondering how you all are and what your doing

Even the friends that seem to have forgotten about me and seem to no longer care for me in any way 

I will always love each and every one of you till the end of my life 

even if it does feel like a one-sided friendship right now

If your missing a friend never let a petty argument or situation come between you , friendships are not easily won but they are worth all the energy invested in them

To all my friends near and far I love you more than you could ever Believe possible  

=^.^=

F

When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 

When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat

When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 

When you first kissed my lips I fell in love

If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue