The Pill

28 years ago, at the tender age of 14
I had no idea what to call it and yet  deep down I knew that a part of me was hiding waiting to get out.
Secreting into my mums closet and trying on her dowdy clothing, the thrill I would experience non the less filled me with fleeting joy, until I happened to see my reflection a foul and hideous creature that taunted me as I realised my fate was to be ugly, male and despicable.

For nearly two years I had been weekly trying on my Mothers clothing and shoes and for all that time my reflection continued to taunt me.
At such a young age and not having access to the Internet or the knowledge to find the answers in a library, I was stumbling around in the dark with no hint of light to guide me.
Strange that even then I knew deep in my heart that I knew I never wanted to be a boy, and that my saviour would be to get on the pill. my logic to this was simple:
girls take the pill,
girls have breasts
girls are pretty
So therefore if I get the pill I too can be a girl
and be pretty and have breasts
Alas not knowing how to approach a doctor and say please I need the pill I need to be the girl, I was meant to be, for two more years I failed to understand and not surprisingly I never got the pill

One day as I rifled through my brothers room I came across a mighty treasure.
Trans-sex climax
even then, the term meant nothing to me
yet these images inside, goddesses with large male appendages spoke so clearly to me.
these beautiful women were exactly who i dreamed of being. to many times to count i would sneak away this golden book and read the stories and fantasise for just a while that it was me that was being worshipped
by their lovers
Finally I had a name to put to the feelings that have plagued me so long Transsexual.
Looking at them these goddesses I realised I could never be like them with their beautiful faces and curvaceous bodies, so perfectly female except for that one difference.
I could never be like them I believed, after all they were born this way weren't they

 It wasn't till much later, after many years of snow-dropping my neighbours clothes lines and an embarrassing collection of magazines that I discovered that my assumptions were wrong, these girls had been born with male bodies, its just that they had found where to get the pill. And it took me many more years to realise that their bodies were in part due to cosmetic surgery as well.

Fast forward to 31 years old. I have the Internet and can know at last, discover how and what caused these girls I adored so to have the curves and the features of a beautiful woman
So much misinformation to wade through on my journey of understanding. And so many shattered dreams later I finally discovered my holy grail
A site dedicated to helping troubled souls find the knowledge and vital information about "The Pill "
At last I cry briefly, until I discover that without surgery I will still see that same face and that same ugly body taunting me and ridiculing me for being so male and so hideous

Here I am yearning with all my heart to be the beauty in the fairytale, yet I'm forever doomed to be the repulsive beast and never the beauty I dream of being.

And then  finally a break. I happened to come across two amazing people who not only shared with me their stories, but their before and after pictures also. neither of these two girls have had cosmetic surgery yet and nor do they need any. Finally it all clicks into place that yes I can be that girl I dream of being
maybe not as buxom and plastic but a girl.

So 28 years later and I am on "The Pill", OK so not quite the pill  I was thinking of back then, but something better and much more effective, And I am now that girl that longed for freedom all those years ago.

Free at last, just to be me.

Hernia

For Longer than I care to remember I have battled daily with an unwanted bulge in my underpants
And before your minds all reach the gutter ,I actually mean my Lower Inaugural Hernia

Over the last few years it has become so bad not just in looks But also the ever increasing amount of pain and discomfort as it slowly tore open the muscles at that little weak spot
I had been trying to explain it to my good friend in Sydney . She was not able to understand my description so I   decided  to send her a profile photo of my hernia as it would look wearing a pair of under pants
her initial reply was "why on earth are you sending me a picture of your but" so i explained that it was the hernia
She was shocked At the Sheer size of it

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to display a flat profile. every day for the last five or so years
I have worn at least two pairs of tight underwear just to contain it
Slept every night on my back just to ease the pain
even the food I ate was all to help reduce the agony I would feel if I ate the wrong foods
And consuming Eight litres of water a day just to keep flushing the toxins away

Life was not very pleasant having to deal with this inconvenience every day
I had been on the waiting list for 15 years or so to have this corrected

Finally I found a doctor who after seeing the state of it put me on the emergency list . Two months later  I was Admitted in to the Broadmeadows hospital
On the admission form it asked a whole heap of the normal questions , and up near tho top was a section for preferred name . ten minutes later the receptionist calls Out "Alice Paige" Oh I was in heaven as I walked through into the changing area and waited for my surgery .As I waited  for my anaesthetist's concoction to wipe me out I joked with the surgeons about giving me the snip we all laughed at that one and next thing I am waking up in the recovery room covered in blankets and feeling very groggy
The Nursing staff were lovely as they came over to check up on me " how are you felling Alice  " " Alice are you up to having some food " My Doctor came over to check up on me and told me just how large the tear in my abdomen wall was Basically you could fit a whole orange though with ease

As I woke up the second time I overheard the head nurse ask one of the nurses say .And I can still remember her exact words " go and Check up on Alice and make sure she's comfortable "  She came over to see me with tears pouring like a river from my eyes. too which I had to explain that they were tears of joy
 My whole experience at the hospital was one of total acceptance and genuine respect given to me from every staff member I encountered that Day
For me it was the first time I had experienced so much support and care outside of my small circle of close friends.And the first time I had been referred to as she. Even nine months later I still remember that day and cry at the joyous memory of it