Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Date Night

So I have been chatting with this fella on face book
He seemed to be really nice and easy to get along with and we would message each other back and forth
eventually after a few months he asked me to have dinner with him. seeing that he seemed to be local to the area I thought It could be fun to have my first ever date with a man
after eventually settling on the hotel restaurant ( I just want to make it clear I'm not that kind-off girl)
Seeing that his profile pic was of Hugh Jackman I figured I have no chance of recognising him
As I saunter it  to the restaurant lobby this European man enquires " Alice "in a voice quite enough for someone named "Alice" to hear but if you happened to be "Jane" you would have missed it in the background noise of the place
Once we were seated and Ordered a couple of drinks I had A coffee and a Lemon Lime & Bitter
we started chatting about all the usual pleasantries. The waitress came over to see if we were ready to order , when Matthew announces that he ate at the office and wasn't hungry but he would be happy to watch me eat.
I am most certainly not about to sit and eat while someone watches as I consume each forkful, despite the protestations of my now hungry stomach begging me to eat at least once this week
eventually the conversation takes the expected outcome and he starts posing questions about my trans gender  condition and how I cope and deal with day to day life as a woman. and then her it comes he starts telling me about a certain trans-woman who used her body and endowments for money , by all accounts she was not only attractive but also well endowed . And Matthew took great delight in telling me that he had been with her more than once
I had a feeling it might take that path so I politely in my most innocent voice advised him that I'm no longer capable of performing that function due to the effects of being on hormone therapy. Id like to say that shut him up about it but no he managed to bring the topic up yet again from A different angle

Your probably thinking about now that I had a terrible time that night. But once I managed to redirect him onto a topic that did not include my gender or sexual persuasion we actually did have a good night and I was more than surprised to realise that we had been chatting for over three hours
As I left I gave him a quick hug and thanked him for a good night and headed of to my car , wondering how much the hotel room he booked and wasn't going to make use of had cost him

Needless to say he never called to take me out again. but then again I never expected him to

I have to say I'm looking forward to dating some more and testing where my boundaries lie