Alice's journey into womanhood: friends

Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Spring

And The
Return to
Normality

Occasional I get the chance to forget that I'm a transgender woman and just enjoy living a life.

A life of normal daily events free from the clutter in my mind.

Today was one such day. I awoke from a dream where I was the female savior of the day, rescuing, I guess my love interest in this dream from the boredom of a government service queue. Then scaling the heights of the complex to escape with my sidekick though to top window

it was half 'Indiana Jones' and half 'Lara Croft' as I scaled the vine ropes and climbed too safety and the next adventure

One of the coolest dreams I've ever woken from

Yes there was a cost to this dream

Quite simply I slept in an extra hour longer than I had intended to.

So rushing trough my morning ritual of coffees, cigarettes and shower. I walked out the door to a beautiful springtime morning full of promise for the coming months.

I still arrived at the shop with time spare to check my hair and touch up my lipstick.

Customers milling around through the racks searching for their size and style and through the bargain bins outside for those staple garments.

Bright colourful dresses billowing like sails in the cool springtime breeze heralding in spring with their easy dance.

Inside I get to play with Kym-Lee's niece Tiffany. Hide and seek from the evil Raggedy-Anne, Tinkerbell bringing back to life 'Baby Bear' after his tragic fall from the throne.

Then capturing the Evil Dragon and restoring peace to Papa Bears kingdom.

Such a hectic day and its still not over

Later we met up with Trace and her partner and walked over to the Buddhist temple while Tiffany got to fly and jump the whole way even up and down the steps to the temple.

The massive alabaster Buddha outside overlooking the valley was dwarfed by the gold leaf Buddha sitting at repose inside watching us all with loving eyes as we explored the many rooms and intricately carved dioramas.

Such an amazing place and it took me back to walk trough the Sydney Gardens of friendship with my two lovely friends last year. Trace's partner giving us the narrated tour as we(I) saw and learnt the history of a particular depiction of Buddha or priest.

I was even given my own little Buddha to take home, to give me wisdom and love in my life. He now sits on my dresser table to watch over me and bring me peace

We sometimes forget the importance of just being accepted as who we are, and being treated with the same respect we give others without having to explain why we are undergoing this journey.

I came home last night with sore feet and sore arms from swinging Tiffany up in the air.

And a very happy heart.

Let it Snow

Christmas in July

Food, Friends and laughter
What more could you possibly want from life
Once again my lovely friend organised the now regular Christmas in July.
And once more she thanklessly succeeded in making an event to remember

Walking into "Oenoviva" a restaurant that had once been "Monroe's" still a regular meeting point. I was instantly taken back to last years event, and the lovely dress I wore last year.

And this year was no different

A table full of wonderful people coming together to share a meal and a laugh as we enjoyed a sumptuous traditional Christmas dinner.
All the while being serenaded by the seductive Jazz singer, singing all of my favourite songs
Honey glazed ham with tart apple sauce, Turkey and cranberry jelly, roast potatoes and pumpkin. Sausages and gravy. All perfectly cooked and piled high on platters. The only thing missing was the Yorkshire puddings my mum used to make.
Finished of with what can only be described as the most sumptuous Christmas pudding and double thick cream I've ever had.
With belly's full, I'm sure we would have all gone for a quick nap if only there had been lounge chairs.

I know Christmas is only Five months away, but I am already looking forward to the next Christmas in July.

My apologies in advance for the grainy pictures

(that's why not all of you are shown here)

I will have to write to Santa and ask

for a new camera .

My lovely friend Christine, the hostess that made this all possible

Merry Christmas

Everyone

I hope too see you all next year

Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning

Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.

Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Dumb Ass

For months now (OK a year) I have been lamenting the lose of someone very special in my life here in Melbourne
as is pretty obvious from most of my updates .
Someone that I had always enjoyed spending time, as we exploring this great big city together.
(remember that I come from Adelaide, a small village in South Australia. OK, so it calls itself a city but at one square mile and less than a third of the population of Melbourne, its a small village)
We would regularly catch up for a meal or just go skating and other fun things that we used to do.
So many of my fondest memories included her, just lying in fed square with her is still one of my favourite memories
Despite having some great close friends, not having her in my life really sucks

And the silly part of this, is that its probably my fault in more ways than I care to admit.
At the time I was having so much difficulty reading her motives and expressions I assumed, that she had lost all interest in me ( this may be true). However having disabling panic attacks, that prevented me from having anything of a social life with her and telling her to forget about me over and over again , did not really help my cause at all.
Yes I was screaming for her help, help to see more of this city, help to learn how to feel and help to find a way to integrate myself in the community as a functional person, not this twisted wreck I feel like now.

Even after all this time I still find myself wanting to ask "how she's been" and "how her studies are going" ( not that I need to ask at all, she's so damn smart).I don't even ask our mutual friends about her, even though they know that I'm curious about how she's doing.

But the two things that really surprised me were,

Her her partner is going through a rough patch, and all I want to do is reach out to them and offer my help and support and to let them know I care for them.
Recently I found myself in a position to offer something of benefit to, either her partner or my close friend.
both of these people invest an enormous amount of time and energy into bettering our community.
Suffice to say that I had to ask a third party for advice, as I did not want my decision affected by emotions.

I know that I need to move on and put her out of my mind, but I have only ever done that to one person, his treatment to me was tantamount to physical and psychological, abuse mixed up with a healthy dose of theft not bad for a friend of 16 years.
I have never been good at forgetting the ones I love, even when that love changes or when I realise their the psycho ex

So I guess for now. I'm stuck remembering a friend that I no longer get to see or hear from. but whom I'll never forget

Cafe Success

The Second cafe night

Well last night was my second cafe night at Alphabet cafe .
It was a two bus and a tram to get there as I am now find myself without a working van ( I kind of destroyed the motor ). But that gave me an opportunity to gauge how easy or difficult it might be for anyone else relying on public transport.and honestly it was really easy, I quite literally hopped of one bus straight into the next and again just as easily onto the tram finding myself dropped of almost in front of the cafe door. Something that would never happen in sleepy little Adelaide

Upon entering early I saw two close of my close friends already deciding what delectable feast will be delighting their taste-buds this evening. Again Mark bought me my usual pot of Chai tea to begin the night while we all waited to see who else would turn up

Pretty soon we had taken over one large table and were sprawling into the next table as yet more arrived
Surrounded by a sea of faces that I have known and people that I had only met that night. I managed to greet the new people and introduce them to the others and spend some time to make sure they were comfortable
and happy. Seeing everyone interact and share tales with each other really made my night perfect. Even I had no problems engaging with them which was always my greatest hurdle, one that I would constantly fail to achieve with any measure of success, unless you count falling face first into a muddy pool

Thank you to all of you who were able to attend last night. Thank you Leanne for promoting my night on Your Vic-Gender group

And a very special thank you, to My good friend Ina for saving me from eating this delicious chocolate cake

YUM

Hope you all had a great night as well and I look forward to seeing you at the next one.

Tuesday the 15th of May

Day Two

A friend of mine commented today about my last post "Days"
She was somewhat concerned as she thought everything in my life was falling into place

That could not be any further from the truth
Yes I am finally able to break free from the gender binary imposed upon me at birth and I am free to express the real me every day.
And every day I celebrate that one fact
I have joy and freedom in abundance. But that still doesn't change the fact that I am still so far behind the curve
Financially : I am either just been paid and struggling to work out which bill don't I pay this week
Emotionally : every day relationships are painfully difficult , and I alternate between trying to hard or not hard enough to convey the true feelings of love and respect I have for my friends. And when it comes to love. I so suck at that , my life is littered with the remains of relationships with people I should not have been with , or with people that I destroyed by my lack of commitment
And Work : I think I'm up to job 20 or more . Its the reason I can do almost any job asked of me
I've done everything from waiting on tables at 17 to major construction . And now I'm the go to girl for custom designed showers that all the others deem to difficult do do
if you want a silk purse give Alice a sows ear

But in-spite of all this I am me and can finally stand up and cry " I'm a transgender girl "
and know that I can share both my gleaming bright moments that make me smile so brightly
and the times where I feel so low and depressed that all i can do is cry

And every day I keep in mind that . my lowest of low days now , are by far brighter than most of my happiest days Two years ago before I had decided at last I will be me for better or worse

I promised myself when I started this blog. That at no time would I sugar coat my life and pretend everything had fallen into place.
But I can honestly say I am so much happier living this life than the one I led before

Thankyou all for taking time to read my blog

Im trying to start a casual cafe night

Yet another meeting point

( still needs a proper name )

I know your thinking, Can the Melbourne Gender Diverse and Questioning population handle another casual meeting venue

I think we can.

Even though we have some fabulous groups, I still think having another meeting point where you feel welcomed and are able to express yourself is an important part of understanding who we are as a person, and how we identify ourselves in the greater community

And more importantly a venue where you can actually have a conversation without the music drowning out every other word

I'm proposing that Alphabet City Cafe may be the perfect spot for a monthly catch up

where you can catch up with new and old friends and make those all important connections with people that may be on a similar path as yours

As I want this to be a Diversity group it will be open to everyone and I really do not believe in exclusions
Also I am trying to make this group an important addition to the other amazing groups out there so I am hoping to have resource information for those groups available if required

Alphabet City Cafe

100 High street

Northcote

Victoria
My contact details
Alice Renae Paige
alicepaige@ymail.com
0448 074 806

Meeting times

3rd Tuesday of the month

(Dates and times at bottom of page)

Taken Direct from their web page

Alphabet City Cafe looks irresistibly cute and carelessly cosy. With its colourful walls and mismatched furniture, boxes of toys and artworks for sale, this cafe has its arms outstretched, ready to embrace any person walking the cool end of High Street. And with its philosophy of giving the punters what they pay for, the food is as down to earth as the decor. From curries to carrot cake, a variety of homely, scrumptious meals are on offer. Try their famous laksa, or go for the popular rice balls with salad.

Hope to see you there

Entree: $6.50-$14.50

Mains: $7.50-$24.50

Dessert: $1.50-$6.50

Payment accepted: MasterCard, Visa and EFTPOS