Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Chloe

Not long after arriving in Melbourne and settling into a sharehouse in Footscray, or otherwise known as
" Foot Scary". I struck up a online friendship with someone from "Trannyradio"
(its an online resource and connection site)

We would regularly chat and discus shopping and numerous other topics . eventually we went from chatting on line and texting to arranging to meet up at a pup in town for a drink. We decided on meeting at the Young &Jackson hotel,made famous for "Chloe" a portrait of a rubenesque young girl something that I have wanted to see for so long

                        

http://www.stevezervos.com/chloe.htm

Click the link for more details about the painting and its history

The history behind "Chloe" the Painting, "Marie" the muse and the hotel all share such a colourful history that no one could easily separate the two. so iconic is this art work that at one stage it was sold and removed only to be bought by a benefactor and returned to its rightful place. Almost everyone I know would find it difficult to separate the three

Still living very much in boy mode at the time. I walked in and was greeted by my friend Peter and a girl he had just met that day. All three of us were getting on famously and both of them soon began to quiz my history and plans for the future, About an hour later I realised that they had both stopped calling me by my boy name and were now using she and her as pronouns and calling me Alice. I couldn't stop blushing as we chatted even though it felt right and natural.
It was a first for me, being respected as a person regardless of my Gender status/preference and it was a truly wonderful experience.

Charlotte and myself got on so well I must admit I was totally in awe of her style, a sort of semi gothic mixed in with that unique Melbourne style. I still remember her dragging me of to the female toilets, where she pulled out her mascara and did my eyes then she messed with my hair and clipped it with a gothic styled cameo clip. Charlotte latter confided in me that she was intersexed, and could easily understand the mental anguish that I was going through. As she too had spent many years coming to terms with herself as an intersexed person


All these years later I still find myself thinking of Peter and Charlotte and that day, with a big smile spreading across my face. I so enjoyed that day in the sun. My first day being called by my real name.
I still have that cameo clip in my memories box.
And with all the excitement of that day I never did get to see "Chloe"