panic on the dancefloor

I arrive and wander around looking to see my friends who haven't arrived yet ,I immediately begin to wonder if they are about to stand be up ,the way I have been lately . I couldn't blame them if they did 

At the bar I order a lemonade to try and quench this persistent dessert mouth I have lately . , two minutes later my friends arrive and we begin the hunt for a patch of comfortable space to occupy, a lovely comfy sofa is our prize . 

Within ten minutes I already know it wont be long till I have to go 

yet another lemonade which still wont help me get rid of the dessert in my mouth . so here I am with great people around me and I feel like an Island isolated and lost . 

There is a conversation that I want to listen into, but the crashing in my ears and the noise from the speakers destroys any hope  of even gleaning more than a syllable. by the time the menu comes around for me to see what delectable delights are on offer ,Well it may as well have been written in Swahili I now cannot focus on anything at all . so I politely say I'm not hungry  and don't want anything . This is true the thought of food makes me sick sometimes  

So within less than an hour I'm past the point of any comfort and I'm telling my best friend I have to go now . she's concerned I know and starts to ask why but I already know that I have to go before I break down completely.

I'm glad she is such a good friend and knew not to push or I would have made a very public mess of myself in another minute...

Walking out I hate myself for not being strong  and confident which I'm sure I must have been to transition and not really bother that I don't pass , most of the time I'm feeling like a fat pig in a dress . but I know that living as a boy was far worse for my health than this.

I walked down the backstreet's looking for my car only to realise I had headed out in the wrong direction so backtracking I pass one of my friends and thankfully she was to busy on her mobile to notice me 

It seems lately every time that a social situation comes up I back out.  I just hope my friends realise I have no control over my fears and stressors and there is nothing I would like more than to be going out with them dancing and showing the world just how bad I am at karaoke but right now I die before I get out the door . and choose instead to  hibernate in my 3 1/2m by 3m bedroom and sleep . Sometime i feel if I didn't have to work I would hide in their all day .


I have so many things I want to do and I have either avoid going or changed my mind at last minute 
If your one of my many wonderful friends please don't give up on me just yet