Love/Hate

How I wish sometimes I could hate you
or too never have met you
for eight long years I managed to avoid any feelings of note
never once allowing my heart to be free to see the sunlight or feel its warmth
aside from two people no one really saw me for who i was .
sure I would chat with the staff at my local shopping centre or in the course of my work a day life
I even managed to bury myself in 80 hours or more a week of work , all to avoid contact
or the chance to feel again

Moving to Melbourne is like a double edged sword for me . Yes it gave me the opportunity to transition and finally be the real me that I never felt I could achieve in that little sleepy town called Adelaide
(Funny to think I toyed with taking Adelaide as my new name)
yes I have more friends now and friends of great quality and I feel as though I can achieve my goals here also

But unfortunately it also meant that some of those towering barricades and strongholds I had painstakingly built for all those years had to come down .   that's OK I thought ,maybe now is a good time to start letting people in to discover the real me hiding away deep inside
then I met someone who completely took my breath away, as they calmly punched a hole through all those remaining shields to exact size of my heart
oh my god , I really haven't felt so much joy in years
we would catch up to share  quiet meals in the coolest places, all the while testing my taste buds with new and exciting flavours , we would  just chat for hours about everything and nothing seemingly at the same time.  the whole time I never once craved for a cigarette even after Five or more hours
So completely mesmerised was I that in their presence I completely forgot that I shared this world with anyone more than the two of us.
then one day we kissed I will never forget that feeling of pure joy and the giddy feeling as my head and my heart spun as the last battlement to my heart fell with little more than a sigh
 
I can truly say  I cannot remember ever having been as happy as I was then. To finally have someone that loves the real me and not the persona I had worn for so many years when I was dating all those years ago

Then came the trip away and that's when it all changed .
Since they came back. it feels like they deliberately hold me so far away so as not to be tainted by my smell
our conversations are now so bland by comparison as if the act of talking to me bores them and takes up to much of their precious time

Its now got to the point that the thought of meeting them causes me so much panic even when I will be meeting my other friends that I am physically  incapable of leaving the house , or if I manage to get to the venue I turn around after I get all the way their and run back home sobbing the whole way

even the notion of an event two weeks away bought up such strong feelings I start to cry and sob
I'm becoming a wreck and a liability both at work and in my personal life .

Anti-depressants are helping but I fear I might have to find a more powerful type soon and inhibit all but the most basic of emotions

And the sad part of this is

---------Oh how I wish I had never met you

--------- Oh how happy I am that I finally felt something