Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Self Doubt

Recently I have been finding myself doubting my abilities

This has been bought on by a series of events out of my control. Yes part of that has been the severe depression I have faced this last few years and some major personal upsets outside of the work arena
However

At work when I came back on the 9th of January, as Alice full-time no longer having to hide behind boy clothes and a boys name. I took over the  the day to day running of the office and still found time to fulfil my Shower installation commitments. Taking each of my duties as a separate duty, and performing them all with a sense of renewed pride for both myself and the company. this lasted for Two months until they decided to summarily replace me with someone from the other factory. As you would expect I was not pleased with this decision at all. As I had after all over the last year invested close to
500 hours of extra and unpaid work hours.
All in an attempt to improve the company profile, and also to secure my eventual position as the "Manager".
A role I was looking forward to performing as it would allow me to withdraw from the installation side and focus on building the company into a worthy venture.

Needless to say my attention and commitment soon after began to wane. And mistakes were becoming a regular feature as I found my self losing faith in my skills and an increased apathy towards the companies best interests. Yes I owned up to my mistakes( all of them ) but the odd thing is I found that I was being blamed for all the mistakes that went on in the factory, and quicker than  you can say "swiss-cheese" I was getting blamed for everything
Shortly after my van, that I used to install with broke down and became un-drivable, I found myself in the office being told your fired , no formal written warning no recourse on offer to me , just go take your broken van and go

Now over a month later as I struggle to keep up with the bills and try to run my own business without a working van. I discover that I am still being blamed and held responsible for the continuing problems at my old workplace ,most recently ,apparently I somehow sneaked in and altered all the cut-sheet programs so that nothing would fit correctly. (in fact one of the showers I bought of them since I was fired refused to fit without a lot of coaxing and nice words spoken )_
I wonder now how much longer it will be before they realise that they were instrumental in affecting my confidence and judgement in a negative manner. And just how many of those mistakes were not actually even mine in the first place.

Even now I find myself second guessing my natural talent and skills that I have learnt over the years. And ask myself how much longer it will be, before I learn to trust my judgement and skill again

 

cafe success, and the embarrassing moment

Once again I was amazed at the turn out for my cafe night.

I really enjoy the randomness of them. last months saw me more taking on the agony aunt/mentor role 

going of for private chats several times that night. Which I fully enjoy being able to offer support and subtle guidance 

This months was more a gathering for the sake of meeting up for a meal and chatting about all the latest gossip 

And I finally managed to find a new home the breast forms I no longer need as I'm finally growing my own.I couldn't bring myself to throw them as they were a bit on the pricey side so to find a good home for them was

well worth me having hung onto them

As usual the food was lovingly  prepared as was evident from the ensuing silence as we all enjoyed every morsel  .  Mark and his wonderful staff fawned over us all making sure we wanted for nothing. Although I think  one of my friends was hoping our barista might be on the menu

and with coffee like this you cant blame her    

 

As usual we all stayed till past closing time before we decide to pay and leave.

My day had been such a hectic day running around with a good friend. That when it came time to pay my bill, I reached for my purse only to realise later that I had left my purse at home in the bathroom after I had raced home to touch up my make-up. Thankfully Mark said I could fix up my bill next time, otherwise I would have been washing dishes all night long. 

I had actually taken a group photo of us all, but for some reason it came out blurry and distorted.  

I look forward to seeing you all again at the next cafe night.