Moving

Almost every day I have dreamt of moving to a nicer suburb that is closer to my core group of friends both locally
and by default of not having to commute the aptly name Tullamarine carpark (30 plus minutes to get into town with stop start traffic )
which will make it even quicker to go out to visit my friends in and past Frankston

Lately I have been sharing with a female nurse and although we get along fine usually. I have always been aware of her disdain towards me at times in relation to my gender issues. And for the longest time I actually enjoy that she works late so I can feel like at least part of the place is mine .
When ever she's at home I actually stay in my room and feel most unwelcome when she has guests around , even though some of her friends like me and have no problem calling me by my true name and have more than once asked how she(Alice) is doing

So it was a great surprise to me the other day , Tuesday 28/11/11 I was installing a shower screen for a customer in her newly renovated home . Meanwhile she was showing the property to her real-estate agent
I just had to ask and within moments she's giving me the grand tour of the place and describing exactly what she will be doing with both the rear courtyard and the soon to be front courtyard
Already all the rooms have been completely repainted in a nice clean white
the kitchen has had a complete revamp all new cupboards bench-tops and brand new appliances
they have knocked out a wall so the kitchen opens up onto the decent dining and the super spacious lounge-room
And just to top it all of the floors have been re-sanded and polished with a gorgeous honey coloured lacquer

This is quite literally the type of place I have been dreaming about for the last two years
And the first one that has ticked all the boxes I look for in a house (except that there is no tram stop nearby )
although its no more than a ten minute to the Heidelberg train station

So hopefully I will be signing the papers next week as long as I can get the bond and advance rent in time.And  expect to be moving in  shortly after that
I have already worked out that after rent and the storage fee I reluctantly pay every week I will have the grand total of Thirteen Dollars a day left   YAY

ok it doesn't look like much yet but in a few weeks this will be a secluded area for those
beautiful summer nights spent with friends and a glass or two of wine

The rear courtyard
An ideal retreat for a good book

I never noticed the dishwasher before

Oh I can just picture the dinner parties here

This is the First lounge-room picture  I've seen
that actually makes the room look smaller
than it is

So now I need to go back to Adelaide and throw out everything I don't actually need or want any-more
And truck my furniture and the things I cant part with back to my new home . I'm so looking forward to sleeping on my own bed and entertaining with wine food and good cheer with friends

All I need to do now Is find two wonderful people two share my sunny happy home with
And I think I found one lovely person to share with me already

And All I can think of right now
"are we there yet "



=^.^=

Breakfast with my boss

Someone just reminded me about this

My boss had asked me for a hand moving some furniture from his storage back into his house
And as usual I found I had double booked myself . Knowing that there would be no time to to race home and change. I decided it would be best if I went as my true self
I clean forgot to warn him that I would be there as the girl I feel I am. So when he opened the door he was a little shocked to see me all made up.
 Yet my boss being the wonderful boss he is called me by my name and never once referred to me in the male gender or name . So after I changed into a daggy t shirt and shoes we headed of and moved several van loads of furniture, white goods and books. seeing that his storage was only around the corner from his house we got the bulk of what he wanted moved in a far shorter amount of time than expected so I actually had a little time to kill before I had to head of for my coffee meetup with Y-Gender
So my boss offered to take me out for breakfast at one of his favourite cafes. I had the bircher style muesli and a latte. I was so surprised at just how comfortable he was with me even though in reality the only thing different about me was that I was dressed a lot better and had make-up on.
After our breakfast he announced that he wanted to go and look for a new lounge suite his previous house mate had left was ugly. (which it was )   So of we trot in search of the perfect lounge shop after shop we chatted freely and tried out the various options. of course I ended up finding the perfect lounge suite for myself
this gorgeous red modular with super comfy cushions reduced from $11,000 to just a mere $7,000
of course I would have to include the lamps and the lovely table with its gloss red glass top and the white entertainment unit
I think after I added up all the bits I liked and wanted it was already over $18,000. but that's my champagne taste and water budget . So I just sat in that lounge and dreamed of what might be until he returned from the toilet .
And of again we continued the hunt for the lounge he wanted. It wasn't until the last few shops , that he commented " you do realise everyone is looking at us like were some bizarre couple" I had noticed this and had been gauging his reaction to the fact that people were questioning us in their minds
I have become used to the odd looks and questioning stares by people and have learned not to be phased by it
unless it becomes something rude or threatening . And was more than ready to take of if it was past his level of comfortability. As it turned out he wasn't actually bothered by it that much. In fact he even commented on the fact that I deal with this almost daily having to live my life with odd looks and applauded the fact I deal with it so well

Sometimes I forget these little treasures in life. OK so its something so simple just a regular day for people who don't have to deal with gender dysphoria. but going out that day was so much fun I actually forgot that  my lifestyle choice is confusing for some

I know by boss hasn't read my posts since he stumbled across my coming out letter too my ex girlfriend and friend . But I hope he knows how much his respect of me that day meant

That Black Dress

After Having spent A fantastic Friday and Saturday with my great friend Ina
I always find that time spent with her to be restorative for me
we chatted  the whole night and shared our music loves ,oh and bitched about our friends
I never realised that she loved progressive trance and dance music as much as me
we bopped around and surprisingly managed to go empty three bottles of good wine
eventually we had to go to sleep, or risk looking like trash the next morning
The poor thing found out that I still grind my teeth at night ,although now its more like a squeaking mouse
than two rocks grinding away
Saturday I was welcomed in to the new day with breakfast in bed that could feed a family
and even after that she asked if I was ready for bacon and eggs
I have to wonder who was paying her to feed me yet more fat pills
After she drove around all the sites of her town and the port areas and feed me the bacon and eggs that had been proffered before ,oh my god it was yummy
scrambled egg bacon on home-made bread with sweet tomatoes drizzled on top
Simple yes but yummy
I had a truly wonderful time

Foremost in my mind all week has been the fact that Christine was having a party this Saturday night
and knew that my recent spate of panic attacks would prevent me from attending
which I know annoyed her more than she would admit

So it was a surprise that with 20 minutes left of my one and a half hour drive, I find myself selecting the bottle of wine I will take to the party
Its seems the allure of my black dress was telling me go have fun and see your friends
So after having commuted one and a half hours in the rain I was getting ready four yet another two hour return journey
As I sneaked up the stairs I spied my beautiful friend and gave her a big hug , she seemed a bit surprised I had made it as she knew how many problems I have been having lately . My dress glittered and sparkled like a glitter ball all I need now is to be able to dance like Moloko "sing it back"

One day i might actually find someone who can make me that dress and cap . its a basic flapper dress but Ive never seen the right reflective material


I even got to meet Kendall at last. He was in the kitchen as usual cooking up a storm of delicious nibbles for us all to eat . Then I did the rounds and re-introduced myself just in case some of them had forgotten who I was
 The Atmosphere was nice and cosy but I still found myself feeling like an outsider looking in. But I was still felt good enough to try and entice the crowd to try more of Kendall's delightful food
As I made my rounds to say goodbye not even an hour and a half later . I was happy just to have got their at all , as it means I'm not allowing my fears to swamp me and return me to the hermit lifestyle I lived for so many years ( Seven years of just working eighty hours a week and hiding at home ) Its not really what I consider living
Its ironic really. As I'm out loud and proud in my normal day to day life, and have had little problem being accepted and happily answer questions about my gender identity issues. Yet when it comes to social events  I have become a little timid and shy of late. Something I'm working on but it will take time and a few more failures im sure

crap

Once again I find myself revisited again by the ghosts that persist in haunting me .
Still after so many years you think I would have learnt by now how to make friends and keep them
but for some silly reason I still manage to what I'm best at
which seems to be only one thing. And that is pushing my friends away ,or putting them in a position where all they can do is abandon me.

I'm so sick and tired of this life at times , I never asked to be born this way. Lately every day I feel more lost and isolated than I can ever remember feeling before. All I want to do right now is curl up in bed and die when really all I want to do is call on a friend for help
And although I have this feeling of isolation I find that I am deliberately isolating  myself from everyone that I care about . A good friend is having a party this weekend and as much as I want to attend in my mind I have already decided that I wont be there to help her celebrate


To all my loved friends that have left and those that remain. I do love you all so much , but at times I cant bear the pain of the losses to date , and the losses to come

A Day to remember / Wardrobe malfunction

After having spent a wonderful day and evening with a good friend I had never met before .

We decided to head of to the "Transgender Day of Remembrance". a yearly event to mark the passing of some of our Sisters and  Brothers who we have lost to violent hate crime. It sounds grim I know but it is also a celebration of how much society has and is changing its viewpoint about our unique Gift/Curse .

I say Gift/Curse as we are equipped with a unique perspective on life, love and people that I wouldn't give up for all the world. We quickly learn not to judge solely based on what and how a person projects to the world as its  more often than not, the mask worn to protect themselves from judgement or ridicule

looking out the window with the sun shinning ,I assumed that this event will be at a park and  as its going to be a hot day.  I decided that I would try on my brand new and never worn $200 'Satch"dress that I found at the Salvo store for $30 

Its Smurf blue with these lovely pastel green braided spaghetti straps and impossible to wear a bra with.

I tried it on and my friend assured me I looked great in it , you have to love friends that tell the best lies 

teamed up with a pair of five inch strappy heels I had never worn we headed of to find a patch of grass 

Only to find that it was an indoors event, and I was going to bring a parasol and sunblock. Well this little miss felt very overdressed as I looked around to see my Sisters and Brothers all very casual and  hear I am in this quite revealing dress 

At the entryway there were this nicely made yellow ribbons symbolising the days festivities 

 As I dragged my handbag of my shoulder  to rummage for change to put t in the donation box the flimsy shoulder strap fell down my arm dragging the top of my dress. Here I am coins in jar and I have my whole left breast on display. I must have terrified the young man at the door but he hid it well and we both had a laugh about it 

Throughout the day I had similar although not as showy events. If I leant over the wrong way it would afford people a glimpse of a part of me I usually do not display.

Acceptance

ac·cept·ance    [ak-sep-tuhns]
noun
1 : the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2 : favorable reception; approval; favor.
3 : the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4 : the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.



Its funny how easy it is to forget or disregard the importance of such a simple concept

It was only last week that Charlie at work made it all to clear that he knew exactly what I am doing and understood the concept that one day if I have my way my Outy will be an Inny . And that he supports me totally , and further more thinks that I'm a great person .( well even he gets things wrong )

My Mum and Dad have been travelling around Victoria this last month or so . And once a week they send me chocolates from wherever they happen to visit . So its no surprise at all when I check the letter box and theirs yet another parcel from them .
Its addressed to Alice Paige not my former name . And for me that's all I Ever want is for them to call me by my new name .  This time However instead of the usual chocolates, they bought me a piece of costume jewellery
Its loud and gaudy and cheap . So not really the type of thing I would wear to often .
the little note read
" dear Alice , you asked us not to send you any more fat pills .. So this is a little something different "
So by now I'm sobbing, crying and smiling at the same time .
I found that Driving to work and crying out is more difficult than I thought . And I'm sure I must have looked a sight at the traffic lights ,balling my eyes out and really not caring what some onlooker may have  thought

It wasn't the fact that they had given me a gift that did it . It was the simple fact that they actually took the time to buy me something more in keeping with my chosen gender. which is in stark contrast to the usual  brutt 33 gift packs I would recieve

The thing that really strikes me is that I have spent seventeen agonising years before I finally accepted my true nature. Even then it took me another five years before I began my transition.
and yet the people I associate with both at work and socially all seem to have embraced me for who I am as a person much more readily than I ever did

Botox for the first time

Or maybe I should call this Tram Track removal 




I have these forehead frown lines that I almost believe I was born with ,I've had them that long 
 none of my friends seem to notice as being that bad or they are just being polite .
true we all have lines from years of smiling frowning or in my case squinting from bright lights and frowning from the unhappiness I suffered for so many years.And some of these lines are also are reminder of laughter and happiness 
Although being on hormones has helped to soften my skin and this has actually reduced the appearance of my lines more than i would have expected . I still see them in the mirror and to me they are an ugly reminder of my former life and the hatred I used to feel for myself .  
So finally I booked in to see my new cosmetic miracle worker on the 26th of October 2011. I handed her all the spare cash I had $240 
six injections later and I'm out the door feeling very much like I had been ripped of, I would have to wait for at least 10 days to see a positive result 
Well eight days later I try to frown , and I burst out giggling I cant actually frown anymore and the feeling is so odd as you feel one set of muscles moving and the ones above don't move. Already I can see a difference and feel one too . so far the smallest of the lines have all but vanished. 
looking in the mirror now I can still see them but I feel so much better knowing one day soon they will be gone 

before botox and a month into
 hormone therapy


February 2010










Taken on 
12th of November 2011 


you can clearly see that my tram tracks are reduced 
and I only just realised how severe my widows peak used to be 

panic on the dancefloor

I arrive and wander around looking to see my friends who haven't arrived yet ,I immediately begin to wonder if they are about to stand be up ,the way I have been lately . I couldn't blame them if they did 

At the bar I order a lemonade to try and quench this persistent dessert mouth I have lately . , two minutes later my friends arrive and we begin the hunt for a patch of comfortable space to occupy, a lovely comfy sofa is our prize . 

Within ten minutes I already know it wont be long till I have to go 

yet another lemonade which still wont help me get rid of the dessert in my mouth . so here I am with great people around me and I feel like an Island isolated and lost . 

There is a conversation that I want to listen into, but the crashing in my ears and the noise from the speakers destroys any hope  of even gleaning more than a syllable. by the time the menu comes around for me to see what delectable delights are on offer ,Well it may as well have been written in Swahili I now cannot focus on anything at all . so I politely say I'm not hungry  and don't want anything . This is true the thought of food makes me sick sometimes  

So within less than an hour I'm past the point of any comfort and I'm telling my best friend I have to go now . she's concerned I know and starts to ask why but I already know that I have to go before I break down completely.

I'm glad she is such a good friend and knew not to push or I would have made a very public mess of myself in another minute...

Walking out I hate myself for not being strong  and confident which I'm sure I must have been to transition and not really bother that I don't pass , most of the time I'm feeling like a fat pig in a dress . but I know that living as a boy was far worse for my health than this.

I walked down the backstreet's looking for my car only to realise I had headed out in the wrong direction so backtracking I pass one of my friends and thankfully she was to busy on her mobile to notice me 

It seems lately every time that a social situation comes up I back out.  I just hope my friends realise I have no control over my fears and stressors and there is nothing I would like more than to be going out with them dancing and showing the world just how bad I am at karaoke but right now I die before I get out the door . and choose instead to  hibernate in my 3 1/2m by 3m bedroom and sleep . Sometime i feel if I didn't have to work I would hide in their all day .


I have so many things I want to do and I have either avoid going or changed my mind at last minute 
If your one of my many wonderful friends please don't give up on me just yet

Surprise I know a secret

Funniest thing happened today .

I thought Charles , he is our ace shower screen producer ,smart as a tack and nice person to boot
He will occasional bring food in that his wife made to share ,and always has a good word to say and seems like a genuinely happy person. He is also well into his 60's

I've guessed for a while now that he might know more about me than I give him credit for , but never once has he made a comment about it to me, or really dropped a hint
I'm me and he thinks I'm an OK person in his book

So heres me and charlie working out how best to make another of our totally unique custom designed showers
( which really means , the sales guy sold them a shower he shouldn't have and we now have to make the damn thing work )
at the end of our planning and preparation he said
" I only know five men that can do this , make that six " with his very next breath he recants this statement with
" make that five men and a girl "
that's me spun out I know I can be a bit obvious and there are certain visible changes I can no longer hide ,nor do I desire too
then comes the nail in the coffin
" have you had the sex change yet ? and would you like me to call you Alice from now on ? "
Im glad he was on the other side of the table or he would have got the biggest hug from me

My answer . "No not yet . and only if your comfortable calling me Alice "

So now all the people in my factory both know and respect myself and my decision. 

Some Days I love my Life

mwah      =^.^=

Getting ready for fulltime

It's funny to think that only two years ago. Back when I was living in Adelaide. I was afraid to go out of the confines of my house dressed as the girl I felt I was inside
My first venture out was to my ex's house wearing my favourite boots and my corset under my male clothes
purely to let her know that I'm changing and to test the waters as to Whether she would still respect me once she found out  about my true self
It seems so foolish now looking back , the excuses of her washing machine being  broken was more a convenient way of her letting my try her clothes on for size so that I could get a better idea of what types of clothing worked for me and the sizes I needed to order
I was still very much in the closet and the thought of walking into a shop ,even under the guise of I'm getting this for a friend , filled me with dread so all my purchases were on eBay or online departments . So you can just imagine the number of items that looked good on display either didn't fit or looked totally ridiculous on me

And here I am now at the point of bursting to go full time as my true self
At work most people have a fair idea that their is something very different about me , most think I'm effeminate or gay .
some actually know the truth of things and have been most accepting towards me and are comfortable enough to make wisecracks and  jokes  nothing bad , one wisecrack  was in reference to a work BBQ , where I was warned away from the BBQ as its a man's domain , "get back into the kitchen and make salad"..

Lately my bosses asked me again when am I planning on going full-time and who do I want to know my real name.I've always convinced myself it will be next year in February . But lately I have been going to work wearing foundation mixed into my sun-block and a little powder and so far no one has said anything about it
and I have always worn my bracelets to work ,  But the big surprise for me  was last Monday I woke up and got dressed in my normal work wear yet as I was getting ready to leave I realised I had also put on a bra without really thinking about it , It was only then that I knew that February is a long way away ,I'm so not going to make it that far . I have now decided that in three weeks time I want to do my name change and start working wholly as Alice , It will be strange yes  as most of my clients are involved with the construction and renovating of development properties. so a very blokey world

Having said its a blokey environment , here I am walking in and its quite obvious that certain visual aspects are sending the cues to most of the tradies brains that I'm not really a male .
I have never in Eight years of shop-fitting  had anyone offer to help with one tool box let alone cumbersome items.
I did find one site in particularly amusing every day I was there at least two macho tradies offered assistance . And more friendly comments than I would normally expect
Maybe its a Victorian thing.

So finally today November the 9th 2011.
I actually let my boss know that I have been thinking about bringing forward my full-time date
or as he likes to call it , the Alice stops cross-dressing like a man date
So I think late this week or early next week my two bosses and The HR manager will be chatting about the best way to enable me to live full-time. And the best method for informing all the other people at the company . in a way that they feel comfortable
I'm expecting it to be where they can have it explained to them in an environment where I'm not there, so they can feel comfortable expressing their thoughts without me present and without having to censer their comments , then I will be available at another time if they would like to ask questions or find out more information from me

so my original date of February 2012 has been amended by the ever present slippery slope

Work

The first job I gained  in Melbourne was with M.I.P. roofing out at Frankston which I started in early 2010

It started out  just through a labour hire company but within a month they realised what a great asset I was to their company and they took me on full time
Most of the time I worked with Andy an older surfing hippy and we got along  really well and it wasn't long before he noticed the differences in me as the hormones took effect over the nine months we worked together
over time the others I worked with from time to time , and two in particular took great delight in being rude and vulgar to me and basically treating me to constant  ridicule top the point of telling me I should ask my boss to pay for my sex change . It was only then that I realised how obvious it was to others exactly what was going on in my life . And in August I had my first set of false nails which was of some amusement at work and It wasn't long before Andy told me they have a betting ballot on me the most popular was that I'm gay or a cross-dresser
It was all a ruse as it turns out there was no such ballot , but I had already had a chat with Andy and let him know that I'm transgendered and we had a great discussion , he was actually the first straight person I came out too and the reaction could not have been more promising ,the compassion he had for my condition and my happiness. I felt truly blessed to be working with him , over the next few months he was my friend, confidant and my champion when two of the roofers took there belittling attitude to far . I never had someone stand-up for me like that before and that in itself was an amazing feeling
The feeling of liberation when I realised that most of  my co-workers knew and that the majority were actually happy for me is something that words can never really describe
 Aside from two people who refused point blank to work with me. everyone seemed to appreciate me as a person and valued my ethics towards people and work . And were comfortable enough to associate with me and joke with me. One of the young lads was quite funny , he always noticed the new nail art on my little finger nail . and posed so many questions till one day he stated " I finally worked you out "   " your a Girl trapped in a mans body" for someone so young and macho  it was kind of startling , after that he was quite happy to work with me and was more comfortable around me.

This job dissolved at the end of the year partly due to a slow down in roofing jobs over the Christmas season
 and maybe in part, that although I could perform the work requirements they probably deemed it better for me to find something else.

So on January the fifth I found I had no job to go back too , unheard of for me to be both broke and without any income potential. I saw an ad in the weekly free paper and On the sixth of January while I was at my nail techs having my birthday present , I received a call from them ,I had my first ever phone interview and the next day they had me in for a proper interview
They liked the fact I was so versatile in what I was able to offer them that within two days I had a new job
I've been with them for just 11 months now and they think of me as an integral part of the company, And best part of it is, is that my boss admitted that he had googled my email address in the first week and found my coming out letter , which he only told me after my three month probation was over .
Since then I have had the chance to work both in the office learning how to run the business and make the best use of resources. And out on sites installing showers mirrors and 10mm glass panels
Also I am looking after some of our pickier builders who demand a certain level of service, for which they now contact me directly as opposed to ringing the office and waiting to be looked after.

Essentially I have been completely blessed with my work life this last two years . I makes me wonder why I had spent all this time hiding my true self away
I no longer feel the need to hide any more . as people accept me for who I am not what I am.

life

When I first moved over here from Adelaide I left behind a well paying job for a chance at a new life . I had both a job and accommodation lined up both of which fell through at the mid point of my eight hour drive  here
so I had a choice continue onwards to an uncertain future or go back home with my tail between my legs and get my old job back which although was quite possible , I knew I couldn't stall my plans for yet another 10 years.
 So I continued on  and arrived in Melbourne to one of the scariest and daunting sights the skyline of greater Melbourne , coming from a small sleepy town to this mega city put the fear of god into me . but still I persisted.

Having no accommodation and no  idea where I was, I drove around for Three hours trying to find a place to sleep that was within my budget , finally I came across the Coburg motor inn which was my home base for the next two weeks while I searched for a place to live
Finally I found somewhere I met my new landlady and we seemed to hit it of really well , she drove trucks for a living and was a fun person to get to know ,I taught her about hair and  facial care routines  .And she took me to a Buddhist temple for meetings. Of course I hadn't told her about my dreams and goals , but she soon noticed and came to like the female energy I exuded. That was Until her daughter moved in  then the tension started . it was also the first time I went out as Alice .
I had got changed into the new clothes I had bought and went out to a meeting at Ausgender where not only was it my first outing as Alice, but also the first time I would get to meet up with other people who also Identified as Gender diverse. I still remember that giddy feeling just driving up there and when I walked in I felt eyes on me but strangely I wasn't scared or intimidated . it was truly amazing that finally I could meet up with like-minded people and not be cruelly judged as a freak.
Back In Adelaide I used to see two cross dressers that used to go to the same cafe as me , and I always wished I had the courage to ask if I could sit with them , and find out their story as I am sure it would have helped me come to terms with my own desire to be female. but no I spent four months watching them come in for coffee and a chat ,seemingly oblivious of the eyes watching and studying

So finally I'm out in the world as Alice ,and the feeling of excitement and astonishment that I had finally made that first step totally blew me away , with in two weeks I had my first ever shopping trip as the real me . The lovely assistant at my local chemist did my make-up for me , I didn't think that through very well as after that I still had to walk out into a busy mall with make-up on getting strange looks from everyone and get to my van and back home
Anne picked me up and took me too the local DFO ( Direct Factory Outlet ) where yet again I was met by more strange looks . Although there was no malice or rude words thrown my way
sitting there with Anne Having coffee and cake , I suddenly remembered the two cross-dressers I used to watch
and realised that so many girls have been through this daunting first stage and survived and I will too . after coffee we headed of  for the much needed retail therapy.
All the sales girls were lovely and helpful , my first shopping trip although I came back home with money still in my purse ,was a major success

Love/Hate

How I wish sometimes I could hate you
or too never have met you
for eight long years I managed to avoid any feelings of note
never once allowing my heart to be free to see the sunlight or feel its warmth
aside from two people no one really saw me for who i was .
sure I would chat with the staff at my local shopping centre or in the course of my work a day life
I even managed to bury myself in 80 hours or more a week of work , all to avoid contact
or the chance to feel again

Moving to Melbourne is like a double edged sword for me . Yes it gave me the opportunity to transition and finally be the real me that I never felt I could achieve in that little sleepy town called Adelaide
(Funny to think I toyed with taking Adelaide as my new name)
yes I have more friends now and friends of great quality and I feel as though I can achieve my goals here also

But unfortunately it also meant that some of those towering barricades and strongholds I had painstakingly built for all those years had to come down .   that's OK I thought ,maybe now is a good time to start letting people in to discover the real me hiding away deep inside
then I met someone who completely took my breath away, as they calmly punched a hole through all those remaining shields to exact size of my heart
oh my god , I really haven't felt so much joy in years
we would catch up to share  quiet meals in the coolest places, all the while testing my taste buds with new and exciting flavours , we would  just chat for hours about everything and nothing seemingly at the same time.  the whole time I never once craved for a cigarette even after Five or more hours
So completely mesmerised was I that in their presence I completely forgot that I shared this world with anyone more than the two of us.
then one day we kissed I will never forget that feeling of pure joy and the giddy feeling as my head and my heart spun as the last battlement to my heart fell with little more than a sigh
 
I can truly say  I cannot remember ever having been as happy as I was then. To finally have someone that loves the real me and not the persona I had worn for so many years when I was dating all those years ago

Then came the trip away and that's when it all changed .
Since they came back. it feels like they deliberately hold me so far away so as not to be tainted by my smell
our conversations are now so bland by comparison as if the act of talking to me bores them and takes up to much of their precious time

Its now got to the point that the thought of meeting them causes me so much panic even when I will be meeting my other friends that I am physically  incapable of leaving the house , or if I manage to get to the venue I turn around after I get all the way their and run back home sobbing the whole way

even the notion of an event two weeks away bought up such strong feelings I start to cry and sob
I'm becoming a wreck and a liability both at work and in my personal life .

Anti-depressants are helping but I fear I might have to find a more powerful type soon and inhibit all but the most basic of emotions

And the sad part of this is

---------Oh how I wish I had never met you

--------- Oh how happy I am that I finally felt something