The weirdest thing happened today . I'm in the office minding my own business when on of the guys I work with decides he is going to add me as a friend on Facebook .
I still go to work every day as a male , primarily as its a fairly labour intensive job and the last thing I want to do is ruin my good clothes with silicones and dirt from the job , not only that I'm still building up a wardrobe of the clothes I like to wear, and non of the old boy clothes fit into that category. So I don't mind wrecking them as they only serve to protect what little modesty I have
I mean he has pretty much always had an idea about me. Although its only in the last few weeks that any doubts were erased ( and if I recall correctly , he posed a pointed question that left no doubt that he knew ) , and I don't tend to hide to much if people ask or make it blatantly obvious as he did ,
I realise that it is not something I can really hide either. So I might as well be honest with people and they can then make up their own mind whether they are comfortable with my decision .
Although I don't mind that he knows , I guess I wasn't quite ready to allow complete access to my photos blogs some of the things I share out of work
And its getting more apparent that most every one I work with has figured me out to some extent , and I get the feeling that no one really has an issue with me being me . I think if my job was an office job or one where im visiting sites for quotes and on site meetings , not the actual installation side , I would be comfortable enough to be Alice Full time , and get rid of this thin façade I seem to think I need
Next year I have my course in footwear starting mid February and I have already decided that I will be full time as of early February so its only 103 days 23 hours and 51 minutes and 32,30 ,28,27,26 well you get the idea , but im not counting , honest
So I guess next year Alice might have to go and install showers when I'm not studying
the Parents Meet Alice
After not having seen either my Mum or Dad since the 29th of December 2010
At which stage only my Mum was aware that I had finally decided to transition to become Alice
and give up on living the lie I had somehow manage to live for so long
A few weeks ago i found out they were travelling and coming to meet me .
Which at that stage didn't really bother me that much as I had my own list of problems that were consuming what little time and energy I had leaving me little time to worry about meeting my parents.
Saturday I picked up some lay-bys that I had picked out for the event and made sure I had chosen well .
Sunday was a lovely relaxing day going for coffee with a new friend and chatting over coffee . but by the time I had got home and freshened up and re-did my make-up , I started having fears
first they would get to the door and laugh in my face and call me sick and perverted - or worse still just not show up at all. or if they did it would be a case of not being able to cope seeing me as a girl
Meanwhile on the other side of Melbourne they were expecting me to cancel on them ,because I wasn't ready to see them or one of the other silly excuses I manage to come up with
4:30 I get a call from my mum checking to see if were still ok for tea tonight , of course " I'm here ready and waiting"I say as if I'm not nervous and afraid about meeting my parents for the first time as my true self.
Sure enough 5:30 my parents arrive and ,they are as you would expect taken aback by this girl that opens the door to greet them and proceeds to give them a big hug . after their initial shock at seeing me we head of to a local Italian restaurant and were all relaxed and enjoying a nice cold beverage and pondering on what shall I try tonight Although this is such a normal occurrence in every day life , it amazed me with its normalcy this night
we chatted all through the starters main meal and through the fabulous Tim Tam cheese cake which although being so scrumptious I was unable to finish it all even after only ordering the entrée sized main meal of
Moroccan Lamb Risotto which was scrumptious. I want to go back and just order that in the main size . heaven
So on rather full belly's we headed back toward the car , and of course Melbourne being Melbourne it was now icy cold, not that nice sunny warmth that had been there just two hours ago. so its back of to my home for coffee and another good chat .
Its strange that the one person i thought least able to accept my decision to become the girl I have always known I was , Is proud of me and respects me more than he ever did before > finally I have the support of both my parents ,and all I had to do to get that was transition , simple if you say it fast enough
Its so strange too realise That aside from going full-time and having my surgeries. Dinner with my parents is in a way the last big scary step in my life at the moment . But then again there is dating and love , they can be scary too
Mwah
=^.^=
At which stage only my Mum was aware that I had finally decided to transition to become Alice
and give up on living the lie I had somehow manage to live for so long
A few weeks ago i found out they were travelling and coming to meet me .
Which at that stage didn't really bother me that much as I had my own list of problems that were consuming what little time and energy I had leaving me little time to worry about meeting my parents.
Saturday I picked up some lay-bys that I had picked out for the event and made sure I had chosen well .
Sunday was a lovely relaxing day going for coffee with a new friend and chatting over coffee . but by the time I had got home and freshened up and re-did my make-up , I started having fears
first they would get to the door and laugh in my face and call me sick and perverted - or worse still just not show up at all. or if they did it would be a case of not being able to cope seeing me as a girl
Meanwhile on the other side of Melbourne they were expecting me to cancel on them ,because I wasn't ready to see them or one of the other silly excuses I manage to come up with
4:30 I get a call from my mum checking to see if were still ok for tea tonight , of course " I'm here ready and waiting"I say as if I'm not nervous and afraid about meeting my parents for the first time as my true self.
Sure enough 5:30 my parents arrive and ,they are as you would expect taken aback by this girl that opens the door to greet them and proceeds to give them a big hug . after their initial shock at seeing me we head of to a local Italian restaurant and were all relaxed and enjoying a nice cold beverage and pondering on what shall I try tonight Although this is such a normal occurrence in every day life , it amazed me with its normalcy this night
we chatted all through the starters main meal and through the fabulous Tim Tam cheese cake which although being so scrumptious I was unable to finish it all even after only ordering the entrée sized main meal of
Moroccan Lamb Risotto which was scrumptious. I want to go back and just order that in the main size . heaven
So on rather full belly's we headed back toward the car , and of course Melbourne being Melbourne it was now icy cold, not that nice sunny warmth that had been there just two hours ago. so its back of to my home for coffee and another good chat .
Its strange that the one person i thought least able to accept my decision to become the girl I have always known I was , Is proud of me and respects me more than he ever did before > finally I have the support of both my parents ,and all I had to do to get that was transition , simple if you say it fast enough
Its so strange too realise That aside from going full-time and having my surgeries. Dinner with my parents is in a way the last big scary step in my life at the moment . But then again there is dating and love , they can be scary too
Mwah
=^.^=
One little pill
Sorry that my first post in ages, is so morbid , but I have this sudden urge to start sharing my life again
All my life , well as long as I can possibly remember I have battled with severe depression and thoughts of ending my life. Instead of being smart and seeking help I hid it away and continued in stoic silence as if nothing could affect me > i was strong and I would get through it
Having known a lot of my friends back in Adelaide who were on anti-depressants . and seeing that glazed expression in their eyes that came with the type of medication they were on . And then when I asked them about the side effects , yes they did help but not by much they would say . and go on further to explain that the medications although keeping them even and prevented the horrible lows ,they also prevented them from feeling the happier moments and the incredible euphoric rush from being so happy you can burst .
So i decided that they were not for me , I always said I would much rather risk my life on the roller-coaster of emotions.
Yes my Lows would get so bad that I contemplated ending it all an awful lot , more than i care to admit even to myself . But Ohh those highs , oh I would forget about how bad the last week had been , and just revel in the orgasmic joy an freedom, only to come over that crest and plummet to the the bottom of the next dip in such a state I would forget the incredible joy I had felt no less than two days ago. Where I would end up in a wreckage of blankets tissues and the all important comfort foods on such a regular occurrence it was now a weekly ritual to pull myself out of bed on Monday go to work then crash back into bed on Friday and hide away all weekend. The worst part of this is that I kept that up for almost seven years . With the odd weekend where I was able to go see a friend if I still had any left and the occasional time where I entertained them with a meal at my house .
I dare say my Ex knew and didn't let on ,just as she didn't let on that she knew I was transgender. I don't really know how I would have coped if she had told then I wasn't fooling anybody about either of these issues
So all these years later I have made my move to lovely Melbourne started my transition and made some lovely close friends that i never thought i could have before > I'm being active in my community and able to help my friends deal with their emotions , I'm past all my problems YaY
so really I shouldn't have issues with depression and those god damn horrendous Migraines any more. But NO this year it crept up on me again. Sneakily get in without me seeing . until once again im hiding in bed for days on end , not returning my friends calls and avoiding life once more
It all came to a head three weeks ago after almost three weeks of avoiding everyone and hiding at home in bed , going so far as to try to turn the people I love most, against me just so I had a valid reason to feel so utterly miserable
late on a Tuesday night I both Wrote and Addressed the letter that would let everyone I knew and loved that I was to weak and gutless to continue living. And that I didn't value them enough to call on them when I needed Help . Fortunately I fell asleep before I could muster the energy to get up and run a bath
Wednesday morning I once again got up went to work ,only to hit a wall of pain and heartache by Eleven , Knowing just how bad I was then I finally walked into my GP's office ,well the look on my face told him all he needed to . Ten minutes later im going home with my newest addition to my ever growing medication list and some sleeping tablets ( not what i planned on )
Some three Days and 60 hours sleep later. I can see the veil over my eyes from the medications im on . and it was kind of comforting . almost vaguely aware of your surroundings , and just the act of making a cuppa was almost like watching someone else make it for me
Thankfully that only lasted two days while my medications settled to normal levels
So now every morning and night I take my precious little saviour. I the knowledge that I really do have so much more to live for ,and so much more I have to offer my community by being alive
And What is more the medications still allow me to feel jealousy , hurt , anger and sadness albeit to a lesser extent so I can see why im feeling that and resolve it not allow it to drown me . But they also allow me to feel that intense joy and happiness that life has to offer.
I write this Partly to express how I feel at times but more hopefully for that one person who feels at the end of their rope .And might find help knowing they are not the only one feeling like its the end
Sorry for the depressing nature of this post
All my life , well as long as I can possibly remember I have battled with severe depression and thoughts of ending my life. Instead of being smart and seeking help I hid it away and continued in stoic silence as if nothing could affect me > i was strong and I would get through it
Having known a lot of my friends back in Adelaide who were on anti-depressants . and seeing that glazed expression in their eyes that came with the type of medication they were on . And then when I asked them about the side effects , yes they did help but not by much they would say . and go on further to explain that the medications although keeping them even and prevented the horrible lows ,they also prevented them from feeling the happier moments and the incredible euphoric rush from being so happy you can burst .
So i decided that they were not for me , I always said I would much rather risk my life on the roller-coaster of emotions.
Yes my Lows would get so bad that I contemplated ending it all an awful lot , more than i care to admit even to myself . But Ohh those highs , oh I would forget about how bad the last week had been , and just revel in the orgasmic joy an freedom, only to come over that crest and plummet to the the bottom of the next dip in such a state I would forget the incredible joy I had felt no less than two days ago. Where I would end up in a wreckage of blankets tissues and the all important comfort foods on such a regular occurrence it was now a weekly ritual to pull myself out of bed on Monday go to work then crash back into bed on Friday and hide away all weekend. The worst part of this is that I kept that up for almost seven years . With the odd weekend where I was able to go see a friend if I still had any left and the occasional time where I entertained them with a meal at my house .
I dare say my Ex knew and didn't let on ,just as she didn't let on that she knew I was transgender. I don't really know how I would have coped if she had told then I wasn't fooling anybody about either of these issues
So all these years later I have made my move to lovely Melbourne started my transition and made some lovely close friends that i never thought i could have before > I'm being active in my community and able to help my friends deal with their emotions , I'm past all my problems YaY
so really I shouldn't have issues with depression and those god damn horrendous Migraines any more. But NO this year it crept up on me again. Sneakily get in without me seeing . until once again im hiding in bed for days on end , not returning my friends calls and avoiding life once more
It all came to a head three weeks ago after almost three weeks of avoiding everyone and hiding at home in bed , going so far as to try to turn the people I love most, against me just so I had a valid reason to feel so utterly miserable
late on a Tuesday night I both Wrote and Addressed the letter that would let everyone I knew and loved that I was to weak and gutless to continue living. And that I didn't value them enough to call on them when I needed Help . Fortunately I fell asleep before I could muster the energy to get up and run a bath
Wednesday morning I once again got up went to work ,only to hit a wall of pain and heartache by Eleven , Knowing just how bad I was then I finally walked into my GP's office ,well the look on my face told him all he needed to . Ten minutes later im going home with my newest addition to my ever growing medication list and some sleeping tablets ( not what i planned on )
 |
Some three Days and 60 hours sleep later. I can see the veil over my eyes from the medications im on . and it was kind of comforting . almost vaguely aware of your surroundings , and just the act of making a cuppa was almost like watching someone else make it for me
Thankfully that only lasted two days while my medications settled to normal levels
So now every morning and night I take my precious little saviour. I the knowledge that I really do have so much more to live for ,and so much more I have to offer my community by being alive
And What is more the medications still allow me to feel jealousy , hurt , anger and sadness albeit to a lesser extent so I can see why im feeling that and resolve it not allow it to drown me . But they also allow me to feel that intense joy and happiness that life has to offer.
I write this Partly to express how I feel at times but more hopefully for that one person who feels at the end of their rope .And might find help knowing they are not the only one feeling like its the end
Sorry for the depressing nature of this post
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