Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Dumb Ass

For months now (OK a year) I have been lamenting the lose of someone very special in my life here in Melbourne
as is pretty obvious from most of my updates .
Someone that I had always enjoyed spending time, as we exploring this great big city together.
(remember that I come from Adelaide, a small village in South Australia. OK, so it calls itself a city but at one square mile and less than a third of the population of Melbourne, its a small village)
We would regularly catch up for a meal or just go skating and other fun things that we used to do.
So many of my fondest memories included her, just lying in fed square with her is still one of my favourite memories
Despite having some great close friends, not having her in my life really sucks

And the silly part of this, is that its probably my fault in more ways than I care to admit.
At the time I was having so much difficulty reading her motives and expressions I assumed, that she had lost all interest in me ( this may be true).  However having disabling panic attacks, that prevented me from having anything of a social life with her and telling her to forget about me over and over again , did not really help my cause at all.
Yes I was screaming for her help, help to see more of this city, help to learn how to feel and help to find a way to integrate myself in the community as a functional person, not this twisted wreck I feel like now.

Even after all this time I still find myself wanting to ask "how she's been" and "how her studies are going"       ( not that I need to ask at all, she's so damn smart).I don't even ask our mutual friends about her, even though they know that I'm curious about how she's doing.

But the two things that really surprised me were,

1.  Her her partner is going through a rough patch, and all I want to do is reach out to them and offer my help and support and to let them know I care for them.
2. Recently I found myself in a position to offer something of benefit to, either her partner or my close friend.
   both of these people invest an enormous amount of time and energy into bettering our community.
   Suffice to say that I had to ask a third party for advice, as I did not want my decision affected by emotions.

I know that I need to move on and put her out of my mind, but I have only ever done that to one person, his treatment to me was tantamount to physical and psychological, abuse mixed up with a healthy dose of theft not bad for a friend of 16 years.
I have never been good at forgetting the ones I love, even when that love changes or when I realise their the psycho ex

So I guess for now. I'm stuck remembering a friend that I no longer get to see or hear from. but whom I'll never forget

Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Days

There are days where I'm certain and sure of who I am and the positive impact I have been lucky to both receive and imbue on others
Days where I know only to well what has to be done , said or given to make a difference in someone else's life

And then there are days like today
where I just feel so lost and helpless that I forget everything I have learnt this last few years
and wish nothing more than to curl up into a tight ball and be forgotten
unfortunately now this is how I have felt for weeks
all I do is go to work have a small sunny moment then come back home and hide in bed till the next day begins
surrounded by the detritus of cups of tea and cake .

I fear sometimes if I didn't have to work I would never come out again
And yet I'm supposed to be strong and show just how much of a successful  a woman I am

I don't believe I'm any of these things any more
 At times I realise just how weak and powerless I really am
I even realise that my list of true friends keeps shrinking as more people realise just what a waste of space I have become (the original oxygen thief )

I don't want to go to work ,I don't want to go out and right now I really don't want to exist
I'm just lucky that I'm either to weak or to pig headed to end it

10:32

10:32 This morning I received the call that left me hollow inside as if someone really had ripped out my heart all over again and thrown it on the floor with the rest of the trash and broken glass on the factory floor

I actually crumpled in a heap on the verge of breaking down as the agent told me the bad news
I gave the property to someone else
Had I sent the email he requested for more contact details but just one hour earlier I would be moving into my dream home next week
already I had planned the plantings for the rear courtyard and had a picture in my mind as to how I would set up the lounge-room and could see the great dinner parties I could have had at the table with close friends both new and old

Mary the owner felt so bad when we chatted later, but her agent thought I had lost interest as I hadn't replied fast enough for him
She has however offered up another place in Ivanhoe which I have yet to look at. its another 60 a week so not much more three ways and apparently has two spacious lounge-rooms and an ensuite in the main bedroom, and its air conditioned  So worst case scenario I take that one and move in when the other tenants leave
Checking out Realestate.com.au and every place I see is a poor substitute to the jewel that I had found dare I say tripped on
So the search continues for a place that will captivate my heart and my imagination