Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Dumb Ass

For months now (OK a year) I have been lamenting the lose of someone very special in my life here in Melbourne
as is pretty obvious from most of my updates .
Someone that I had always enjoyed spending time, as we exploring this great big city together.
(remember that I come from Adelaide, a small village in South Australia. OK, so it calls itself a city but at one square mile and less than a third of the population of Melbourne, its a small village)
We would regularly catch up for a meal or just go skating and other fun things that we used to do.
So many of my fondest memories included her, just lying in fed square with her is still one of my favourite memories
Despite having some great close friends, not having her in my life really sucks

And the silly part of this, is that its probably my fault in more ways than I care to admit.
At the time I was having so much difficulty reading her motives and expressions I assumed, that she had lost all interest in me ( this may be true).  However having disabling panic attacks, that prevented me from having anything of a social life with her and telling her to forget about me over and over again , did not really help my cause at all.
Yes I was screaming for her help, help to see more of this city, help to learn how to feel and help to find a way to integrate myself in the community as a functional person, not this twisted wreck I feel like now.

Even after all this time I still find myself wanting to ask "how she's been" and "how her studies are going"       ( not that I need to ask at all, she's so damn smart).I don't even ask our mutual friends about her, even though they know that I'm curious about how she's doing.

But the two things that really surprised me were,

1.  Her her partner is going through a rough patch, and all I want to do is reach out to them and offer my help and support and to let them know I care for them.
2. Recently I found myself in a position to offer something of benefit to, either her partner or my close friend.
   both of these people invest an enormous amount of time and energy into bettering our community.
   Suffice to say that I had to ask a third party for advice, as I did not want my decision affected by emotions.

I know that I need to move on and put her out of my mind, but I have only ever done that to one person, his treatment to me was tantamount to physical and psychological, abuse mixed up with a healthy dose of theft not bad for a friend of 16 years.
I have never been good at forgetting the ones I love, even when that love changes or when I realise their the psycho ex

So I guess for now. I'm stuck remembering a friend that I no longer get to see or hear from. but whom I'll never forget

Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Self Doubt

Recently I have been finding myself doubting my abilities

This has been bought on by a series of events out of my control. Yes part of that has been the severe depression I have faced this last few years and some major personal upsets outside of the work arena
However

At work when I came back on the 9th of January, as Alice full-time no longer having to hide behind boy clothes and a boys name. I took over the  the day to day running of the office and still found time to fulfil my Shower installation commitments. Taking each of my duties as a separate duty, and performing them all with a sense of renewed pride for both myself and the company. this lasted for Two months until they decided to summarily replace me with someone from the other factory. As you would expect I was not pleased with this decision at all. As I had after all over the last year invested close to
500 hours of extra and unpaid work hours.
All in an attempt to improve the company profile, and also to secure my eventual position as the "Manager".
A role I was looking forward to performing as it would allow me to withdraw from the installation side and focus on building the company into a worthy venture.

Needless to say my attention and commitment soon after began to wane. And mistakes were becoming a regular feature as I found my self losing faith in my skills and an increased apathy towards the companies best interests. Yes I owned up to my mistakes( all of them ) but the odd thing is I found that I was being blamed for all the mistakes that went on in the factory, and quicker than  you can say "swiss-cheese" I was getting blamed for everything
Shortly after my van, that I used to install with broke down and became un-drivable, I found myself in the office being told your fired , no formal written warning no recourse on offer to me , just go take your broken van and go

Now over a month later as I struggle to keep up with the bills and try to run my own business without a working van. I discover that I am still being blamed and held responsible for the continuing problems at my old workplace ,most recently ,apparently I somehow sneaked in and altered all the cut-sheet programs so that nothing would fit correctly. (in fact one of the showers I bought of them since I was fired refused to fit without a lot of coaxing and nice words spoken )_
I wonder now how much longer it will be before they realise that they were instrumental in affecting my confidence and judgement in a negative manner. And just how many of those mistakes were not actually even mine in the first place.

Even now I find myself second guessing my natural talent and skills that I have learnt over the years. And ask myself how much longer it will be, before I learn to trust my judgement and skill again

 

Belief

Just the other day on two separate occasions at work, I was validated by two completely different types of customer

The first being a mother of two children. Where as I started working on installing their new shower , her children questioned Mum about me. And after explaining what I was there for, she commented to me on how the children rarely see a female tradesperson. I must admit that made me smile as a mother of two affirmed me as a female in front of her children

The next was on a construction site where the tradies were unloading my van , there was some sort of discussion which I never actually  heard , but the comment " Don't do arguing in front of a woman ". Now that I did hear
and I must admit I blushed and smiled with glee. even though my very next thought was, Oh he's going to cop a ribbing about that

Two completely random events that combined with the positive responses I have had from strangers should surely empower me and give me strength to continue. and realise that maybe just maybe they really do see a woman  coming to do a job that is usually dominated by males, or a woman coming to do some shopping

And combined with walking into a fashion house to find the manager hunting for more clothes for me to try and parading me like I am her new clothes horse , Walking out of there after three hours of being pampered, dressed up and told how beautiful I am. with bag loads of gorgeous clothes at less than trade price. And  having her play the Thai version of "Please marry my son " (which actually made him blush ). Now surely all that should make me wake up.

But No... 

Funny how that doesn't really work out. Even after two years of transitioning and semi confidently going out as my true self fulltime for the last 4 months. I still at times find it difficult to believe... that, maybe just maybe I am passing and much more feminine looking than I think.

I know I look better than I ever did three four years ago , when I had a constant beard shadow carrying 20 kilo of extra fat and an expression that would scare a statue into dust, as I lumbered down the path looking more like a character from a horror movie. If I had been any more of a Neanderthal you would be looking for the bolts holding my neck in place
 

So why is it that I still find it so difficult at times 

to have that belief in myself 

I swear if i wasn't so adverse to violence

 I'd give me self a damn good SLAP!!!

It seems that lately I am being received far better that I could ever have wished for. Being accepted as just me not as some side show act for their entertainment. And yet even then I don't always see what they see in me

Colour me Dumb  

Day Two

A friend of mine commented today about my last post "Days"
She was somewhat concerned as she thought everything in my life was falling into place

That could not be any further from the truth
Yes I am finally able to break free from the gender binary imposed upon me at birth and I am free to express the real me every day.
And every day I celebrate that one fact
I have joy and freedom in abundance. But that still doesn't change the fact that I am still so far behind the curve
Financially   : I am either just been paid and struggling to work out which bill don't I pay this week
Emotionally : every day relationships are painfully difficult , and I alternate between trying to hard or not hard enough to convey the true feelings of love and respect I have for my friends. And when it comes to love. I so suck at that , my life is littered with the remains of relationships with people I should not have been with , or with people that I destroyed by my lack of commitment
And Work    : I think I'm up to job 20 or more . Its the reason I can do almost any job asked of me
I've done everything from waiting on tables at  17  to major construction . And now I'm the go to girl for custom designed showers that all the others deem to difficult do do
if you want a silk purse give Alice a sows ear

But in-spite of all this I am me and can finally stand up and cry " I'm a transgender girl "
and know that I can share both my gleaming bright moments that make me smile so brightly
and the times where I feel so low and depressed that all i can do is cry

And every day I keep in mind that . my lowest of low days now , are by far brighter than most of my happiest days Two years ago before I had decided at last I will be me for better or worse

I promised myself when I started this blog. That at no time would I sugar coat my life and pretend everything had fallen into place.
But I can honestly say I am so much happier living this life than the one I led before

Thankyou  all for taking time to read my blog

Heartache

I should be over this by now. Right?

But every  few days I think back on the friendship burgeoning into a little bit more as each day passed
the long chats filled with innuendo and promise of more to come
The flirting using my fantasies as bait to draw even more from this emotionally scared person(me)
And the lovely meals at new and exciting venues followed by our tryst in the back seat

I should be able to put these out of my mind and realise that what I felt was in no way similar to what they felt
Surely its been Eight months And Thirteen days since we were last romantically together
And its been over three months since we have had anything that would count as a real conversation or friendship
And pouring my heart out to them how much you value them and miss there friendship, only to get the reply "DITTO"
sorry but that line only works in movie's and even then it portrays their emotionally disconnected state

So if I know all this. Then why am I still hung up on the first person I allowed close enough to hurt me, leaving me a constant stumbling Idiot pining for the loss of you
Even now I wonder if I really want them back in my life or if would still like them now

Unfortunately that doesn't stop the pain I feel. and to make things worse we both have the same circle of friends and community so obviously we attend similar events and parties

I just wish that the first person to come kicking down my walls wasn't somebody that I cared so deeply for
if you had just been a one night stand I would be fine
But no I had to go and fall in love with you !

                                          

this is my favourite version 

after the original

I heard this song with a good friend while we were out shopping on my birthday, when this song came over the store stereo system .
She commented on how good the song is ,then told me not to listen as the lyrics may
somehow hurt me as she stood there biting her tongue and waiting for me to cry
And they do exactly that as they remind me of the hurt the pain and the rejection
from somebody that I used to know
And the knowledge we will never have that or anything close is a little death every time
As much as I love this song I cant help but cry for my loss

And still every day I hope that one day we can be friends again
as more than anything I miss their company

Friendships

This is just to random
I periodically check my junk mail to see if anything important slipped through the filter and low and behold I find this little gem from Tara the medium
Yes its true I'm guilty at times of getting sucked in by the promise of what she has to offer, and paying a fee for advice
I'm a dreamer ,so shoot me
but this one in the light of what has been going on in my life with friends that I cannot contact and friends that have stopped contacting me . I just have to share this

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Dear Alice,

We all live in a specific location. We have certain activities, we’re surrounded by certain people, and we all lead a certain kind of life. Among the people you know, your friends are very important, whether you have one or many.

First you have to know who your real friends are, and differentiate them from simple acquaintances. The best time to do that is when things get tough.

An acquaintance will always find an excuse for not helping you out, or coming to see you. But a real friend will always be there to offer comfort and come to your aid, sometimes even before you call on them!

You don’t have to wait for something terrible to happen to know who would help you when you have a problem. Think about the people around you, and those you consider your friends. Then imagine a difficult situation, and try to figure out who you’d be able to count on under such difficult circumstances.

Draw up a list of who you think your real friends are, and then be straight with them. Above all, don’t let minor arguments ruin a great friendship.

Before you start a fight with someone and say things you may regret later on, think hard and ask yourself whether the friendship you have is really worth sacrificing because you’re angry.

If the answer is no, do what’s necessary to reconcile with the other person, whose help and support you’ll need one day. Also let them know they can count on you at any time.

Your devoted friend,

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In short just because I haven't contacted you in a while or seen your smiling face does not mean that I don't think about you

I spend almost all my spare time wondering how you all are and what your doing

Even the friends that seem to have forgotten about me and seem to no longer care for me in any way 

I will always love each and every one of you till the end of my life 

even if it does feel like a one-sided friendship right now

If your missing a friend never let a petty argument or situation come between you , friendships are not easily won but they are worth all the energy invested in them

To all my friends near and far I love you more than you could ever Believe possible  

=^.^=

F

When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 

When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat

When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 

When you first kissed my lips I fell in love

If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue

That Black Dress

After Having spent A fantastic Friday and Saturday with my great friend Ina
I always find that time spent with her to be restorative for me
we chatted  the whole night and shared our music loves ,oh and bitched about our friends
I never realised that she loved progressive trance and dance music as much as me
we bopped around and surprisingly managed to go empty three bottles of good wine
eventually we had to go to sleep, or risk looking like trash the next morning
The poor thing found out that I still grind my teeth at night ,although now its more like a squeaking mouse
than two rocks grinding away
Saturday I was welcomed in to the new day with breakfast in bed that could feed a family
and even after that she asked if I was ready for bacon and eggs
I have to wonder who was paying her to feed me yet more fat pills
After she drove around all the sites of her town and the port areas and feed me the bacon and eggs that had been proffered before ,oh my god it was yummy
scrambled egg bacon on home-made bread with sweet tomatoes drizzled on top
Simple yes but yummy
I had a truly wonderful time

Foremost in my mind all week has been the fact that Christine was having a party this Saturday night
and knew that my recent spate of panic attacks would prevent me from attending
which I know annoyed her more than she would admit

So it was a surprise that with 20 minutes left of my one and a half hour drive, I find myself selecting the bottle of wine I will take to the party
Its seems the allure of my black dress was telling me go have fun and see your friends
So after having commuted one and a half hours in the rain I was getting ready four yet another two hour return journey
As I sneaked up the stairs I spied my beautiful friend and gave her a big hug , she seemed a bit surprised I had made it as she knew how many problems I have been having lately . My dress glittered and sparkled like a glitter ball all I need now is to be able to dance like Moloko "sing it back"

One day i might actually find someone who can make me that dress and cap . its a basic flapper dress but Ive never seen the right reflective material


I even got to meet Kendall at last. He was in the kitchen as usual cooking up a storm of delicious nibbles for us all to eat . Then I did the rounds and re-introduced myself just in case some of them had forgotten who I was
 The Atmosphere was nice and cosy but I still found myself feeling like an outsider looking in. But I was still felt good enough to try and entice the crowd to try more of Kendall's delightful food
As I made my rounds to say goodbye not even an hour and a half later . I was happy just to have got their at all , as it means I'm not allowing my fears to swamp me and return me to the hermit lifestyle I lived for so many years ( Seven years of just working eighty hours a week and hiding at home ) Its not really what I consider living
Its ironic really. As I'm out loud and proud in my normal day to day life, and have had little problem being accepted and happily answer questions about my gender identity issues. Yet when it comes to social events  I have become a little timid and shy of late. Something I'm working on but it will take time and a few more failures im sure

crap

Once again I find myself revisited again by the ghosts that persist in haunting me .
Still after so many years you think I would have learnt by now how to make friends and keep them
but for some silly reason I still manage to what I'm best at
which seems to be only one thing. And that is pushing my friends away ,or putting them in a position where all they can do is abandon me.

I'm so sick and tired of this life at times , I never asked to be born this way. Lately every day I feel more lost and isolated than I can ever remember feeling before. All I want to do right now is curl up in bed and die when really all I want to do is call on a friend for help
And although I have this feeling of isolation I find that I am deliberately isolating  myself from everyone that I care about . A good friend is having a party this weekend and as much as I want to attend in my mind I have already decided that I wont be there to help her celebrate


To all my loved friends that have left and those that remain. I do love you all so much , but at times I cant bear the pain of the losses to date , and the losses to come

Acceptance

ac·cept·ance    [ak-sep-tuhns]
noun
1 : the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2 : favorable reception; approval; favor.
3 : the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4 : the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.



Its funny how easy it is to forget or disregard the importance of such a simple concept

It was only last week that Charlie at work made it all to clear that he knew exactly what I am doing and understood the concept that one day if I have my way my Outy will be an Inny . And that he supports me totally , and further more thinks that I'm a great person .( well even he gets things wrong )

My Mum and Dad have been travelling around Victoria this last month or so . And once a week they send me chocolates from wherever they happen to visit . So its no surprise at all when I check the letter box and theirs yet another parcel from them .
Its addressed to Alice Paige not my former name . And for me that's all I Ever want is for them to call me by my new name .  This time However instead of the usual chocolates, they bought me a piece of costume jewellery
Its loud and gaudy and cheap . So not really the type of thing I would wear to often .
the little note read
" dear Alice , you asked us not to send you any more fat pills .. So this is a little something different "
So by now I'm sobbing, crying and smiling at the same time .
I found that Driving to work and crying out is more difficult than I thought . And I'm sure I must have looked a sight at the traffic lights ,balling my eyes out and really not caring what some onlooker may have  thought

It wasn't the fact that they had given me a gift that did it . It was the simple fact that they actually took the time to buy me something more in keeping with my chosen gender. which is in stark contrast to the usual  brutt 33 gift packs I would recieve

The thing that really strikes me is that I have spent seventeen agonising years before I finally accepted my true nature. Even then it took me another five years before I began my transition.
and yet the people I associate with both at work and socially all seem to have embraced me for who I am as a person much more readily than I ever did

Love/Hate

How I wish sometimes I could hate you
or too never have met you
for eight long years I managed to avoid any feelings of note
never once allowing my heart to be free to see the sunlight or feel its warmth
aside from two people no one really saw me for who i was .
sure I would chat with the staff at my local shopping centre or in the course of my work a day life
I even managed to bury myself in 80 hours or more a week of work , all to avoid contact
or the chance to feel again

Moving to Melbourne is like a double edged sword for me . Yes it gave me the opportunity to transition and finally be the real me that I never felt I could achieve in that little sleepy town called Adelaide
(Funny to think I toyed with taking Adelaide as my new name)
yes I have more friends now and friends of great quality and I feel as though I can achieve my goals here also

But unfortunately it also meant that some of those towering barricades and strongholds I had painstakingly built for all those years had to come down .   that's OK I thought ,maybe now is a good time to start letting people in to discover the real me hiding away deep inside
then I met someone who completely took my breath away, as they calmly punched a hole through all those remaining shields to exact size of my heart
oh my god , I really haven't felt so much joy in years
we would catch up to share  quiet meals in the coolest places, all the while testing my taste buds with new and exciting flavours , we would  just chat for hours about everything and nothing seemingly at the same time.  the whole time I never once craved for a cigarette even after Five or more hours
So completely mesmerised was I that in their presence I completely forgot that I shared this world with anyone more than the two of us.
then one day we kissed I will never forget that feeling of pure joy and the giddy feeling as my head and my heart spun as the last battlement to my heart fell with little more than a sigh
 
I can truly say  I cannot remember ever having been as happy as I was then. To finally have someone that loves the real me and not the persona I had worn for so many years when I was dating all those years ago

Then came the trip away and that's when it all changed .
Since they came back. it feels like they deliberately hold me so far away so as not to be tainted by my smell
our conversations are now so bland by comparison as if the act of talking to me bores them and takes up to much of their precious time

Its now got to the point that the thought of meeting them causes me so much panic even when I will be meeting my other friends that I am physically  incapable of leaving the house , or if I manage to get to the venue I turn around after I get all the way their and run back home sobbing the whole way

even the notion of an event two weeks away bought up such strong feelings I start to cry and sob
I'm becoming a wreck and a liability both at work and in my personal life .

Anti-depressants are helping but I fear I might have to find a more powerful type soon and inhibit all but the most basic of emotions

And the sad part of this is

---------Oh how I wish I had never met you

--------- Oh how happy I am that I finally felt something