Cherished friendships

Friendships are of more importance to me now than I ever thought possible in my old life

several of my old friends from Adelaide rate very highly in my list of friends I both adore and respect
Having had to lie and hide the inner most self from them for so long , even though I came out to them all in the end . finally getting the chance to be with them face to face and allow them to see me as I really am. Was the most exciting part of my Christmas break
And just to put my friends in context I will describe a little about them

"Tracey"
 
 We first met at a mutual friends party, so totally drawn to each other were we that pretty soon we were of in a secluded part of the garden having a private chat. Within days we were dating and almost an eye blink later we were living together. We had varied interests but we enjoyed sharing those interests with each other
So that just made our dynamic work . Dinner parties and going out to events with her was so much fun
Sadly after three years we both realised that we were doomed to fail and one night we both sat down and admitted that for the best part of six months we had been trying to find a way of splitting up without hurting each other.
For several years after we saw very little of each other , as we both had to get our lives back on track
But thankfully we both maintained respect and a desire to be friends again . And some 10 years later I am happy to call her one of my true and dear friends
( she was after all the first person I came out to )

"Trevor"

One night many many years ago. Me and my then girlfriend both very much into the Gothic scene passed by a hotel called the " Gothic arms "
which it certainly wasn't the cool Gothic hive we were hoping for .Instead it was full of bikers and strippers

within minutes we stumbled across this little cafe open late at night
it was the "Witches Brew " adorned with brooms and black cats ( the edible kind in a big jar )and my memory says there was fake webs scattered around . or was that my place
This place was so cosily lit and the atmosphere had this strange mix of both welcoming and expectant
a group of girls in one corner and several couples having hushed conversations in little discreet alcoves
I must admit everyone stopped to stare at the oddly dressed couple me with my birds nest hairdo and her with long flowing red hair both of us pasty white and all in black
I think they were quite amused by us
As was the owner Trevor. within minutes we had formed this bizarre friendship based on our differences
it was much later after many nights spent at what will always be a place of beautiful memories
 That I realised the "witches Brew " was a place where gay and lesbians could meet and have a good meal without feeling uncomfortable in the then very closeted gay scene  
And I learnt a new found respect for people who back then were frowned upon
It was my first encounter with openly gender variant people and I soon discovered they are more amazing and lovely than the people I used to associate with

I even had my Birthday Dinner there in a secret room catered for by my lovely new friend
I still remember him and that place with fond and loving memories

"Renae"

Going back almost 11 years . I walked into a hairdressers with my long locks
As I made my booking I spied her and Asked if she could do my hair . To this day I still don't know why it had to be her . But it did
the best scalp massage I have ever received as she washed the excess shampoo out and with in minutes we were having a great chat while I let her have free reign with my precious hair . And with it she created a masterpiece that ensured every six weeks I would come back and only let Renae touch my hair. I have never been that trusting with my hair but with her The apprentice hairdresser I allowed her full control over both the cut and colour.
for nine years I never had another hairdresser touch my hair . Until she up and disappear to another state
Two years Later I find myself staring through a hairdressers window ,its her and she's back and for another three years She is still the only person who can have free range with my hair
Eventually we started a great friendship out of the salon where she came out to me about herself in a few weeks later I too her in a manner of speaking ( I really just told her I crossdress)and the last comment that rang in my head like an echo
" Don't transition ,you just wont make it with those large hands and feet "
I know she meant it as a caring comment as she genuinely cared for me and wanted the best for me
Two years ago I had to leave her behind in Adelaide as I had to move to become the real me
Her partner also didn't really like our friendship and it probably caused some friction
so not even being able to explain to her why I had to leave I was gone
Although I did end up sending her a lengthy letter as I t was the only way I could contact her and let her know why I had to leave
A year and a half later I get a response to a letter I had sent explain why I had to leave and how sad I was that I wasn't able to tell her in person


And now were up to date on three very important people in my life

Om the 22nd of December my boss handed me $500 dollars to hire a truck and take care of my storage problem back in Adelaide
Which gave me the perfect opportunity to see my parents . finally get rid of the 125 a week storage fee
a total of 10,000 dollars spent to keep my furniture and essential household items safe
Granted Christmas with my parents was a total failure of epic proportions leaving me feeling unworthy in there eyes and after the massive argument I stormed out leaving them to eat the turkey by themselves
funny how the told me it tasted like crap
Anyway enough about that


By the early hours of the 28th I had finished loading the huge truck full of all my worldly possessions and had the rest of the day to relax do my nails and hair ready for an event I have dreamed about for two years
OK so I wasn't coming out as trans as that had happened already ,

Now it was sort of my big reveal.

The venue we chose was a fairly new place " The Deli "   Just opposite a favourite bar " The wheatsheaf Hotel " Two awesome places I would recommend any one going to Adelaide visit It really was an old Deli revamped and turned into a ubber cool venue for a meal and gigs



















Tracey and I arrived early and ordered drinks,within minutes Trevor who had met me once on one of his visits to Melbourne. I'm already happy to have these two special people here and although Tracey and Trevor have never met they are hitting it of quite well
Yay . I always love it when my friends like my friends

Ten minutes later Renae walks in and Her jaw dropped when she saw me. stunned and amazed at the transformation not only had I transitioned and developed my own real breasts
but gone was my beard shadow and the masculine facial expressions
replaced by a very happy and much more confident girl
Then she handed me a beautiful bunch of beautiful Orange roses and yet more compliments and hugs
She always had a way of making me feel so special, and that night was no exception
Renae of course was every bit the breathtaking beauty she had been the day we met both in looks and in spirit
and of course her hair just was perfect again

We did spend an awful amount of time catching up after all it has been two years of my life not being able to have her in my life ( sometimes partners need to step back and allow friends to be just that )
I know Trevor and Tracey Understood why we spent so much time catching up with each other an fawning over each other
eventually the waitress came up and advised we really should order if we wish to be fed before breakfast
30 minutes later we are enjoying sharing four delicious pizzas  and four way conversations
and yet more drinks
Sadly we had to call it a night and we all went our separate ways after much hugs and kisses

My Last night in Adelaide I really could not have spent in better company than the delightful characters I feel blessed to call my friends.
Now I am back in my new hometown looking forward to the chance of  introducing my wonderful Adelaide friends to my just as wonderful Melbourne friends


Looking Back on this last two years despite all the hurdles and obstacles I have had . I really would not wish it any other way
Finally I can say that I have found a true inner happiness and peace. The likes of which I have never felt before or even dreamed possible
And true friendships that are worthy of embracing and holding onto and nurturing


And somewhere in all that I just realised I really am living full-time

love you much

=^.^=









Merry Christmas Everyone


the Christmas work lunch

As the Christmas / coming out lunch drew ever closer . Instead of feeling daunted or feeling like maybe I shouldn't go never really entered my mind . Although I did detour to visit my Doctor to thank him for all the care he has given me this year, and a little trip to buy perfume and moisturiser .
So I arrived there fashionably late . and much to the surprise of everyone I arrived quite casually dressed in jeans, boots and a nice blue top that showed my shoulders. Armed with my favourite outfit and freshly styled hair. I was ready to show the true me to all
Charlie was the first to greet me still wearing a cap as always " Hi Alice how has your day been " . that pretty much set the tone for the day
everyone was so nice and friendly . Almost as if they knew how big a decision it was for me to be real with them all
of course I naturally gravitated to the girls table . I have always had better conversations with girls for obvious reasons. They were somewhat surprised to see me but with in minutes we were getting along fine and Maria asked a few pointed questions which I was only to happy to answer

Thomas(my boss) being the lout that he is thwacked my bra ,my response was to in my most put out voice ,claim that id have him for harassment . to which we all had a good laugh
I even got a peck on the cheek from one of the lads as I was leaving

No one there was surprised by me or my attire at all. So obviously they had all been waiting for me to be ready to come out in my own sweet time.
I am so looking forward to going back to work on the ninth as Alice and not having to look back at what could have been. Instead now I can at last relax totally and just be !

now I have another good reason to buy another Pandora charm  

 =^.^=

My last day at work as a ?

So finally I had my last day at work  presenting as something not quite female and definitely anything but  male
if the way I've been treated at job sites is true
Almost every time I get onto a site I am met with offers of help or winning smiles and confused looks
It's both nice and disconcerting at the same time . As its hard to read what they are thinking
So far no-one this year has been either  rude, vulgar and no one at any of the sites has seen fit to make nasty comments about the  trannie .
I did have some bad things happen last year . But I also had so many delightful experiences that they far out weighed both the bad experiences and what I had been led to believe a lonely and sad life
Something I was much prepared for but glad that I was so surprised at both the love and heartfelt respect I have received

today would have been a perfect sitcom
the day in the life of Alice as she battles with staff that have no clue how long it takes to get a job done let alone get there and back
it really was one poorly orchestrated mishap after another . and yes I totally lost my cool and put my fist through a wall at work
Something I haven't done in many years not proud of it , but yes I had a tanty and there was not a tantrum mat in sight

Out of the Seven jobs on my list today not even one went right
From not being told the colour paint to pick up and being supplied white instead of off white (YaY)
Or the shower that I had to both build on site and spend three hours driving for
To the very large thick glass panel that not only was a pain to manoeuvre up three flights of stairs instead of the advised One . but also it  had been measured wrong so we had to get it back down into the van lugging  a Fifty kilo panel is hard enough with out having to wend it up through a narrow stairwell

 But In one way I leave this Year of work , Secure in a job with beautiful caring and loving people who acknowledge the fact I am very good at my job . but respect and understand the fact that transition for me is not a choice but a decision based on both my physical and mental well being
And as such have asked me on more than one occasion " When (not if ) I'm going to go full time "
and as such are helping me to make the transition smoother

If you think I love the job and people I work with you would be correct

Even when its as crazy as today was , I still have never had as much love and respect as I have had this last two years since I first moved here to begin anew

And as of next year I will finally be able to pick up the phone and say
" FlexiRobes, Alice Paige  speaking"


 January the Ninth I come back as Alice Renae Paige full time , no more will I have to use my old name again I so can't wait and whats even better my name change and gender marker will be updated also
so it will be official I'm a girl and I'm also really named "Alice"

Mwah love you all so much
Have a fantastic Christmas
love laugh and enjoy your time

=^.^=


It's The Final Countdown

With just Two days 13 hours 43 minutes and  11..10.. 9..7..... seconds remaining
Till I finally bust free from this prison of my own doing
no more will I be required to answer by my male name at work
no longer will I have to question the puzzled looks I get at the job sites and wonder how much do they know or do they care

December the 23rd at the staff Christmas breakup I finally get to reveal all of me
Well OK not that much
But the opportunity to show my real self as Alice is something I long for more than air itself
I am sure it will be bizarre for some of the workers from the other factory, even though they obviously have formed their own ideas about my gender and gender preference
(even I don't have an answer for preference yet ) right now I'm just happy to be in love with people



Ive already decided to go for a nice casual look for the dinner ,as I see no benefit in glamming up in sequins and feather boas . I think that would work against me
I just hope they realise that they are free to ask any question as long as its not too rude
Best of all they get three weeks holiday to adjust .

Its such a tiny thing . But I'm really looking forward to next year being able to answer the office phone and say
"Flexi Robes Alice Paige.. speaking"


tick tock...tick tock.....tick Tock

Friendships

This is just to random
I periodically check my junk mail to see if anything important slipped through the filter and low and behold I find this little gem from Tara the medium
Yes its true I'm guilty at times of getting sucked in by the promise of what she has to offer, and paying a fee for advice
I'm a dreamer ,so shoot me
but this one in the light of what has been going on in my life with friends that I cannot contact and friends that have stopped contacting me . I just have to share this


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Dear Alice,

We all live in a specific location. We have certain activities, we’re surrounded by certain people, and we all lead a certain kind of life. Among the people you know, your friends are very important, whether you have one or many.

First you have to know who your real friends are, and differentiate them from simple acquaintances. The best time to do that is when things get tough.

An acquaintance will always find an excuse for not helping you out, or coming to see you. But a real friend will always be there to offer comfort and come to your aid, sometimes even before you call on them!

You don’t have to wait for something terrible to happen to know who would help you when you have a problem. Think about the people around you, and those you consider your friends. Then imagine a difficult situation, and try to figure out who you’d be able to count on under such difficult circumstances.

Draw up a list of who you think your real friends are, and then be straight with them. Above all, don’t let minor arguments ruin a great friendship.

Before you start a fight with someone and say things you may regret later on, think hard and ask yourself whether the friendship you have is really worth sacrificing because you’re angry.

If the answer is no, do what’s necessary to reconcile with the other person, whose help and support you’ll need one day. Also let them know they can count on you at any time.

Your devoted friend,

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In short just because I haven't contacted you in a while or seen your smiling face does not mean that I don't think about you
I spend almost all my spare time wondering how you all are and what your doing
Even the friends that seem to have forgotten about me and seem to no longer care for me in any way 
I will always love each and every one of you till the end of my life 
even if it does feel like a one-sided friendship right now
If your missing a friend never let a petty argument or situation come between you , friendships are not easily won but they are worth all the energy invested in them

To all my friends near and far I love you more than you could ever Believe possible  

=^.^=




F#&K You

Most of the time I seem to function quite well But today after the horrible news about my dream home ,compounded by the loss of close friends (as in they avoid me , not died) is really dragging me down

I feel like I am at an all new low right now really finding it difficult to scrape a few disjointed  words together
this last few months I have been banging my head against a brick wall . You would think that after the first few times I would say to myself . " why be so silly , they are not there for you any more , and they really couldn't give a flying fig for. I am slowly starting to realise that and I twigged when I was seeing if they still wanted my help moving  and their reply " I could really use your Van" , I should have just dropped the van of seeing they didn't really need me.
And to be honest I'm totally annoyed that instead of saying Hey I really enjoyed flirting with you and making out in the back of her car. but I cant do this any more .
 Sure it would have hurt then, but not as much as it does right now

But no she treated me exactly the way  most "Men" treat women when they lose interest ,
Just pretend she's not there and maybe she will go away
Sorry but my heart just does not have an off switch ,any of my ex's will pay testimony to that
I still Love and cherish all of them and still enjoy great friendships with some too

I'm sure you saw me breaking apart and heard me crying for help. But you chose to just on the sidelines and laugh at me instead

And then she has the balls to re extend an invite to her Birthday BBQ so I can watch her swapping spit with her new Girlfriend
Like I really want to have a better reason to do myself in .

            No Thank you





I just hope when she dumps her latest toy . she more thoughtful and respectful of their feelings

10:32

10:32 This morning I received the call that left me hollow inside as if someone really had ripped out my heart all over again and thrown it on the floor with the rest of the trash and broken glass on the factory floor

I actually crumpled in a heap on the verge of breaking down as the agent told me the bad news
I gave the property to someone else
Had I sent the email he requested for more contact details but just one hour earlier I would be moving into my dream home next week
already I had planned the plantings for the rear courtyard and had a picture in my mind as to how I would set up the lounge-room and could see the great dinner parties I could have had at the table with close friends both new and old

Mary the owner felt so bad when we chatted later, but her agent thought I had lost interest as I hadn't replied fast enough for him
She has however offered up another place in Ivanhoe which I have yet to look at. its another 60 a week so not much more three ways and apparently has two spacious lounge-rooms and an ensuite in the main bedroom, and its air conditioned  So worst case scenario I take that one and move in when the other tenants leave
Checking out Realestate.com.au and every place I see is a poor substitute to the jewel that I had found dare I say tripped on
So the search continues for a place that will captivate my heart and my imagination  

Pen War



I was at Myers Chadstone, just window shopping with a friend when I noticed  that they have a huge pen department
So I dragged my friend over and drooled over some of the lovely and expensive pen sets . Eventually I remembered why I was there and asked one of the sales staff if they had different nibs for my fountain pen as mine is at times a little too broad for my style
well the sales guy was anything less than helpful as he stood there with a condescending glare, as if he was wasting his precious life even acknowledging my existence   I felt like slapping him just for being born when another sales guy walked up just in time to rescue me from doing just that.
He had a look at my Lamy fountain pen and ushered me over to a drawer full of nibs and offered me a no3 to replace my no5 nib I had to explain to him that he no3 was to fine for my writing style and seeing that he couldn't find the nib I wanted
He suggested a program for me that would allow me to reproduce my style using the printer after I had written my letter on my computer
That's about when I lost all remaining sensibility and and asked him why in the world would I want to write my deepest thoughts on the computer just to print them out. It was at this time the obnoxious one decided to put his two cents worth in. Well that was about all I could cope with as I rose and unsheathed the nib of my pen and began to attack I lunged parried and slashed at his chest leaving blue splotches and sweeping lines over the front of his crisply starched shirt

As guards and passing shoppers puled us away he broke down sobbing at the sight of his once clean shirt
and accused me of leaving the deepest wounds "this is the the darkest blue I have seen" he cried , as he was dragged away
come on it was only royal blue mixed with a little black ink
I felt somewhat vindicated as I got ejected from both the shop and my dream
and thrust back into the reality of my workaday life



Beware not to annoy me today, or I might write you a scathing letter

F








When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 
When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat
When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 
When you first kissed my lips I fell in love


















If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue