Alice's journey into womanhood: 02/01/2012

Acceptance

I thought I had finished coming out to all my clients and had clean forgotten about at least one, That was until today when one of them phoned me this morning asking if I could measure up a shower for him

Phil has known me only as Jason for over a year now , but I think really hes always known there's something a little different about me, but he's never questioned me about it, even though he has seen my changes as periodic snapshots so each development has been a bit more obvious for him, than those who I work with every day

He is one of my fairly regular clients. And knows that I always provide him with the best service and product
and as such never quibbles about price . I fact he never bothers to call at the office anymore as he knows he gets the best service by calling me direct.

Today we greeted as usual with a handshake and a quick catch up about what we've been up to
This is the moment when I let him know I have changed my name
his response was " I had better update my contact list then"

The part that really shocked me though was when he was rang the client for entry
without even a thought in one sentence
" Myself and Alice are here to measure up
Yes, she does excellent work "
he referred to me as Alice and She without even thinking about it.
and all I could say was "Thankyou"

Even Colin at work admits he has trouble with referring to me as She, and even with clients he will say
"Alice can help you with that, I'll get him to call you"
He even went on to state today when I asked him about that
" When you get your outy turned into in inny, I'll call you she "
I cant really fault him for that line of thought. I know he respects me as a person and that matters more to me than anything
I am looking forward to the day that I can finally afford to have my body totally in line with how I feel
and seeing so many of my friends having just had there surgeries or are only mere months away makes me more excited that in two years I might finally be able to afford both My facial feminisation surgeries and my own gender affirmation. excited just thinking about it

So to all my friends who have just had theirs or are just about to " Bitch" lol
seriously so happy for you all

Who do I believe

A few of my friends have told me that I am far more passable than I believe I am
and that twisted shy scared and self doubting voice in my head always tells me

" there just being nice dear "
" your not really passable at all"

And me being me, I just blush smile and wish the words were true
I still see so many flaws when I look in the mirror. I'm not expecting it to shatter and explode into small shards from the hideous creature it tries to reflect
But I still so much room for improvement , I could list them all but I would bore you to tears

Yet almost all of the people I meet in my day to day working life, rarely even bat an eyelid when I introduce myself.
"HI I'm Alice And I will be installing your Shower?mirror etc"

They are nothing but polite and interested in seeing the fruits of my labour
And just this week one of my clients was explaining on the phone to his customer

"She recommends you go for this style of shower ,Alice also ......."

Hes only met me the once and the simple fact I'm a transgender girl doesn't even rate a thought

Then just today I'm all the way out at Wallan to install a shower on a building site .
next thing I hear one of the tradies Shout and curse and swear because someone stole all the doors he was meant to install from the garage (hour and a bit drive to find you cant work ,would annoy even the gentlest of souls )
As he walks around the corner he sees me quietly working away. And instantly the first words out of his mouth
" I'm sorry about swearing, I didn't realise we had a lady on site"
nope hes not wearing coke bottle glasses or stumbling around like he just left the bar

I seem to remember That for most of 2011 and the later half of 2010, I was getting odd looks and stares daily
and clients would make a comment or ask a question of me to try and understand what they were seeing
On more than one occasion I was quite directly asked if I am transitioning
to all these questions I would answer honestly and would elaborate if they asked more of me

So who do I believe

This voice in my head that doubts both myself as a person and my potential at every turn
or
my friends who care for me , and the overwhelming army of passer-bys that just accept and treat me as a female

Maybe just maybe, maybe I should learn to accept myself half as much as others seem to
crazy idea !

Day Two

A friend of mine commented today about my last post "Days"
She was somewhat concerned as she thought everything in my life was falling into place

That could not be any further from the truth
Yes I am finally able to break free from the gender binary imposed upon me at birth and I am free to express the real me every day.
And every day I celebrate that one fact
I have joy and freedom in abundance. But that still doesn't change the fact that I am still so far behind the curve
Financially : I am either just been paid and struggling to work out which bill don't I pay this week
Emotionally : every day relationships are painfully difficult , and I alternate between trying to hard or not hard enough to convey the true feelings of love and respect I have for my friends. And when it comes to love. I so suck at that , my life is littered with the remains of relationships with people I should not have been with , or with people that I destroyed by my lack of commitment
And Work : I think I'm up to job 20 or more . Its the reason I can do almost any job asked of me
I've done everything from waiting on tables at 17 to major construction . And now I'm the go to girl for custom designed showers that all the others deem to difficult do do
if you want a silk purse give Alice a sows ear

But in-spite of all this I am me and can finally stand up and cry " I'm a transgender girl "
and know that I can share both my gleaming bright moments that make me smile so brightly
and the times where I feel so low and depressed that all i can do is cry

And every day I keep in mind that . my lowest of low days now , are by far brighter than most of my happiest days Two years ago before I had decided at last I will be me for better or worse

I promised myself when I started this blog. That at no time would I sugar coat my life and pretend everything had fallen into place.
But I can honestly say I am so much happier living this life than the one I led before

Thankyou all for taking time to read my blog

Days

There are days where I'm certain and sure of who I am and the positive impact I have been lucky to both receive and imbue on others
Days where I know only to well what has to be done , said or given to make a difference in someone else's life

And then there are days like today
where I just feel so lost and helpless that I forget everything I have learnt this last few years
and wish nothing more than to curl up into a tight ball and be forgotten
unfortunately now this is how I have felt for weeks
all I do is go to work have a small sunny moment then come back home and hide in bed till the next day begins
surrounded by the detritus of cups of tea and cake .

I fear sometimes if I didn't have to work I would never come out again
And yet I'm supposed to be strong and show just how much of a successful a woman I am

I don't believe I'm any of these things any more
At times I realise just how weak and powerless I really am
I even realise that my list of true friends keeps shrinking as more people realise just what a waste of space I have become (the original oxygen thief )

I don't want to go to work ,I don't want to go out and right now I really don't want to exist
I'm just lucky that I'm either to weak or to pig headed to end it

Im trying to start a casual cafe night

Yet another meeting point

( still needs a proper name )

I know your thinking, Can the Melbourne Gender Diverse and Questioning population handle another casual meeting venue

I think we can.

Even though we have some fabulous groups, I still think having another meeting point where you feel welcomed and are able to express yourself is an important part of understanding who we are as a person, and how we identify ourselves in the greater community

And more importantly a venue where you can actually have a conversation without the music drowning out every other word

I'm proposing that Alphabet City Cafe may be the perfect spot for a monthly catch up

where you can catch up with new and old friends and make those all important connections with people that may be on a similar path as yours

As I want this to be a Diversity group it will be open to everyone and I really do not believe in exclusions
Also I am trying to make this group an important addition to the other amazing groups out there so I am hoping to have resource information for those groups available if required

Alphabet City Cafe

100 High street

Northcote

Victoria
My contact details
Alice Renae Paige
alicepaige@ymail.com
0448 074 806

Meeting times

3rd Tuesday of the month

(Dates and times at bottom of page)

Taken Direct from their web page

Alphabet City Cafe looks irresistibly cute and carelessly cosy. With its colourful walls and mismatched furniture, boxes of toys and artworks for sale, this cafe has its arms outstretched, ready to embrace any person walking the cool end of High Street. And with its philosophy of giving the punters what they pay for, the food is as down to earth as the decor. From curries to carrot cake, a variety of homely, scrumptious meals are on offer. Try their famous laksa, or go for the popular rice balls with salad.

Hope to see you there

Entree: $6.50-$14.50

Mains: $7.50-$24.50

Dessert: $1.50-$6.50

Payment accepted: MasterCard, Visa and EFTPOS