Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Self Doubt

Recently I have been finding myself doubting my abilities

This has been bought on by a series of events out of my control. Yes part of that has been the severe depression I have faced this last few years and some major personal upsets outside of the work arena
However

At work when I came back on the 9th of January, as Alice full-time no longer having to hide behind boy clothes and a boys name. I took over the  the day to day running of the office and still found time to fulfil my Shower installation commitments. Taking each of my duties as a separate duty, and performing them all with a sense of renewed pride for both myself and the company. this lasted for Two months until they decided to summarily replace me with someone from the other factory. As you would expect I was not pleased with this decision at all. As I had after all over the last year invested close to
500 hours of extra and unpaid work hours.
All in an attempt to improve the company profile, and also to secure my eventual position as the "Manager".
A role I was looking forward to performing as it would allow me to withdraw from the installation side and focus on building the company into a worthy venture.

Needless to say my attention and commitment soon after began to wane. And mistakes were becoming a regular feature as I found my self losing faith in my skills and an increased apathy towards the companies best interests. Yes I owned up to my mistakes( all of them ) but the odd thing is I found that I was being blamed for all the mistakes that went on in the factory, and quicker than  you can say "swiss-cheese" I was getting blamed for everything
Shortly after my van, that I used to install with broke down and became un-drivable, I found myself in the office being told your fired , no formal written warning no recourse on offer to me , just go take your broken van and go

Now over a month later as I struggle to keep up with the bills and try to run my own business without a working van. I discover that I am still being blamed and held responsible for the continuing problems at my old workplace ,most recently ,apparently I somehow sneaked in and altered all the cut-sheet programs so that nothing would fit correctly. (in fact one of the showers I bought of them since I was fired refused to fit without a lot of coaxing and nice words spoken )_
I wonder now how much longer it will be before they realise that they were instrumental in affecting my confidence and judgement in a negative manner. And just how many of those mistakes were not actually even mine in the first place.

Even now I find myself second guessing my natural talent and skills that I have learnt over the years. And ask myself how much longer it will be, before I learn to trust my judgement and skill again

 

Day Two

A friend of mine commented today about my last post "Days"
She was somewhat concerned as she thought everything in my life was falling into place

That could not be any further from the truth
Yes I am finally able to break free from the gender binary imposed upon me at birth and I am free to express the real me every day.
And every day I celebrate that one fact
I have joy and freedom in abundance. But that still doesn't change the fact that I am still so far behind the curve
Financially   : I am either just been paid and struggling to work out which bill don't I pay this week
Emotionally : every day relationships are painfully difficult , and I alternate between trying to hard or not hard enough to convey the true feelings of love and respect I have for my friends. And when it comes to love. I so suck at that , my life is littered with the remains of relationships with people I should not have been with , or with people that I destroyed by my lack of commitment
And Work    : I think I'm up to job 20 or more . Its the reason I can do almost any job asked of me
I've done everything from waiting on tables at  17  to major construction . And now I'm the go to girl for custom designed showers that all the others deem to difficult do do
if you want a silk purse give Alice a sows ear

But in-spite of all this I am me and can finally stand up and cry " I'm a transgender girl "
and know that I can share both my gleaming bright moments that make me smile so brightly
and the times where I feel so low and depressed that all i can do is cry

And every day I keep in mind that . my lowest of low days now , are by far brighter than most of my happiest days Two years ago before I had decided at last I will be me for better or worse

I promised myself when I started this blog. That at no time would I sugar coat my life and pretend everything had fallen into place.
But I can honestly say I am so much happier living this life than the one I led before

Thankyou  all for taking time to read my blog

F

When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 

When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat

When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 

When you first kissed my lips I fell in love

If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue

panic on the dancefloor

I arrive and wander around looking to see my friends who haven't arrived yet ,I immediately begin to wonder if they are about to stand be up ,the way I have been lately . I couldn't blame them if they did 

At the bar I order a lemonade to try and quench this persistent dessert mouth I have lately . , two minutes later my friends arrive and we begin the hunt for a patch of comfortable space to occupy, a lovely comfy sofa is our prize . 

Within ten minutes I already know it wont be long till I have to go 

yet another lemonade which still wont help me get rid of the dessert in my mouth . so here I am with great people around me and I feel like an Island isolated and lost . 

There is a conversation that I want to listen into, but the crashing in my ears and the noise from the speakers destroys any hope  of even gleaning more than a syllable. by the time the menu comes around for me to see what delectable delights are on offer ,Well it may as well have been written in Swahili I now cannot focus on anything at all . so I politely say I'm not hungry  and don't want anything . This is true the thought of food makes me sick sometimes  

So within less than an hour I'm past the point of any comfort and I'm telling my best friend I have to go now . she's concerned I know and starts to ask why but I already know that I have to go before I break down completely.

I'm glad she is such a good friend and knew not to push or I would have made a very public mess of myself in another minute...

Walking out I hate myself for not being strong  and confident which I'm sure I must have been to transition and not really bother that I don't pass , most of the time I'm feeling like a fat pig in a dress . but I know that living as a boy was far worse for my health than this.

I walked down the backstreet's looking for my car only to realise I had headed out in the wrong direction so backtracking I pass one of my friends and thankfully she was to busy on her mobile to notice me 

It seems lately every time that a social situation comes up I back out.  I just hope my friends realise I have no control over my fears and stressors and there is nothing I would like more than to be going out with them dancing and showing the world just how bad I am at karaoke but right now I die before I get out the door . and choose instead to  hibernate in my 3 1/2m by 3m bedroom and sleep . Sometime i feel if I didn't have to work I would hide in their all day .


I have so many things I want to do and I have either avoid going or changed my mind at last minute 
If your one of my many wonderful friends please don't give up on me just yet