ME I'm just your everyday average boy , who after many years realised ,I"m not and never was a boy
so many years of self delusion and hiding from the truth , and taking on the type of jobs reserved for menly men
Welder construction worker , even a roofer and rigger .
not the type of job you expect from a girl I know , And as such I was stronger than all the other men I worked with and able to do the jobs they couldn't
So Its been a whole 11 months and 3 days since I moved to Melbourne from sleepy little Adelaide
And it's small town community . dont get me wrong I love Adelaide its easy to get around and easy to meet everyone there
But That is the very reason I moved from there, is to be unknown for a while to have the chance to find who I really am on the inside . and shock horror I found her . hiding inside of me just waiting for her chance
I know it sounds schizoid, but it sometimes feels like a huge part of myself has been hidden down deep inside ,and suppressed into submission for far too long
She was only ever allowed to come out and play in the comfort of my dressing room . and then only for an hour or so
Why I always felt so guilty about it after I still don't know , but I would dress up and do my make up
and parade around the house and eye myself of in the mirrors .
Then proceed to remove all the clothes I loved and felt comfortable and complete in, wash the makeup of my face . get back into bed and just hate myself for being so sick, disgusting and perverted.
This ritual persisted for many years and numerous purges of clothing, makeup and shoes. I'm sure someone found a grab bag of joy on the side of the road more than once.
I find it strange, that its now the other way around completely for me. I feel more at ease now jumping on a tram in a dress ,than I ever did as a boy, and going out to any club or bar was an anxiety attack just waiting to happen, now I go to my favourite bar DT's and can feel more relaxed in a frock or casually female than I ever did before.
I've been on hormone therapy for most of this year(2010) and it is certainly making positive changes in how I see and feel about myself , yes it does give all the physical changes they don't tell you about at school , but that's less important to me than the huge emotional changes I have experienced . But more of that elsewhere
And yes hormones are starting to have a dramatic effect on how I look as well , 11 months in and it is definately harder to hide the changes . and Im ok with that . people will think what they want to either way
so thats it for now ,
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