Cherished friendships

Friendships are of more importance to me now than I ever thought possible in my old life

several of my old friends from Adelaide rate very highly in my list of friends I both adore and respect
Having had to lie and hide the inner most self from them for so long , even though I came out to them all in the end . finally getting the chance to be with them face to face and allow them to see me as I really am. Was the most exciting part of my Christmas break
And just to put my friends in context I will describe a little about them

"Tracey"
 
 We first met at a mutual friends party, so totally drawn to each other were we that pretty soon we were of in a secluded part of the garden having a private chat. Within days we were dating and almost an eye blink later we were living together. We had varied interests but we enjoyed sharing those interests with each other
So that just made our dynamic work . Dinner parties and going out to events with her was so much fun
Sadly after three years we both realised that we were doomed to fail and one night we both sat down and admitted that for the best part of six months we had been trying to find a way of splitting up without hurting each other.
For several years after we saw very little of each other , as we both had to get our lives back on track
But thankfully we both maintained respect and a desire to be friends again . And some 10 years later I am happy to call her one of my true and dear friends
( she was after all the first person I came out to )

"Trevor"

One night many many years ago. Me and my then girlfriend both very much into the Gothic scene passed by a hotel called the " Gothic arms "
which it certainly wasn't the cool Gothic hive we were hoping for .Instead it was full of bikers and strippers

within minutes we stumbled across this little cafe open late at night
it was the "Witches Brew " adorned with brooms and black cats ( the edible kind in a big jar )and my memory says there was fake webs scattered around . or was that my place
This place was so cosily lit and the atmosphere had this strange mix of both welcoming and expectant
a group of girls in one corner and several couples having hushed conversations in little discreet alcoves
I must admit everyone stopped to stare at the oddly dressed couple me with my birds nest hairdo and her with long flowing red hair both of us pasty white and all in black
I think they were quite amused by us
As was the owner Trevor. within minutes we had formed this bizarre friendship based on our differences
it was much later after many nights spent at what will always be a place of beautiful memories
 That I realised the "witches Brew " was a place where gay and lesbians could meet and have a good meal without feeling uncomfortable in the then very closeted gay scene  
And I learnt a new found respect for people who back then were frowned upon
It was my first encounter with openly gender variant people and I soon discovered they are more amazing and lovely than the people I used to associate with

I even had my Birthday Dinner there in a secret room catered for by my lovely new friend
I still remember him and that place with fond and loving memories

"Renae"

Going back almost 11 years . I walked into a hairdressers with my long locks
As I made my booking I spied her and Asked if she could do my hair . To this day I still don't know why it had to be her . But it did
the best scalp massage I have ever received as she washed the excess shampoo out and with in minutes we were having a great chat while I let her have free reign with my precious hair . And with it she created a masterpiece that ensured every six weeks I would come back and only let Renae touch my hair. I have never been that trusting with my hair but with her The apprentice hairdresser I allowed her full control over both the cut and colour.
for nine years I never had another hairdresser touch my hair . Until she up and disappear to another state
Two years Later I find myself staring through a hairdressers window ,its her and she's back and for another three years She is still the only person who can have free range with my hair
Eventually we started a great friendship out of the salon where she came out to me about herself in a few weeks later I too her in a manner of speaking ( I really just told her I crossdress)and the last comment that rang in my head like an echo
" Don't transition ,you just wont make it with those large hands and feet "
I know she meant it as a caring comment as she genuinely cared for me and wanted the best for me
Two years ago I had to leave her behind in Adelaide as I had to move to become the real me
Her partner also didn't really like our friendship and it probably caused some friction
so not even being able to explain to her why I had to leave I was gone
Although I did end up sending her a lengthy letter as I t was the only way I could contact her and let her know why I had to leave
A year and a half later I get a response to a letter I had sent explain why I had to leave and how sad I was that I wasn't able to tell her in person


And now were up to date on three very important people in my life

Om the 22nd of December my boss handed me $500 dollars to hire a truck and take care of my storage problem back in Adelaide
Which gave me the perfect opportunity to see my parents . finally get rid of the 125 a week storage fee
a total of 10,000 dollars spent to keep my furniture and essential household items safe
Granted Christmas with my parents was a total failure of epic proportions leaving me feeling unworthy in there eyes and after the massive argument I stormed out leaving them to eat the turkey by themselves
funny how the told me it tasted like crap
Anyway enough about that


By the early hours of the 28th I had finished loading the huge truck full of all my worldly possessions and had the rest of the day to relax do my nails and hair ready for an event I have dreamed about for two years
OK so I wasn't coming out as trans as that had happened already ,

Now it was sort of my big reveal.

The venue we chose was a fairly new place " The Deli "   Just opposite a favourite bar " The wheatsheaf Hotel " Two awesome places I would recommend any one going to Adelaide visit It really was an old Deli revamped and turned into a ubber cool venue for a meal and gigs

Tracey and I arrived early and ordered drinks,within minutes Trevor who had met me once on one of his visits to Melbourne. I'm already happy to have these two special people here and although Tracey and Trevor have never met they are hitting it of quite well
Yay . I always love it when my friends like my friends

Ten minutes later Renae walks in and Her jaw dropped when she saw me. stunned and amazed at the transformation not only had I transitioned and developed my own real breasts
but gone was my beard shadow and the masculine facial expressions
replaced by a very happy and much more confident girl
Then she handed me a beautiful bunch of beautiful Orange roses and yet more compliments and hugs
She always had a way of making me feel so special, and that night was no exception
Renae of course was every bit the breathtaking beauty she had been the day we met both in looks and in spirit
and of course her hair just was perfect again

We did spend an awful amount of time catching up after all it has been two years of my life not being able to have her in my life ( sometimes partners need to step back and allow friends to be just that )
I know Trevor and Tracey Understood why we spent so much time catching up with each other an fawning over each other
eventually the waitress came up and advised we really should order if we wish to be fed before breakfast
30 minutes later we are enjoying sharing four delicious pizzas  and four way conversations
and yet more drinks
Sadly we had to call it a night and we all went our separate ways after much hugs and kisses

My Last night in Adelaide I really could not have spent in better company than the delightful characters I feel blessed to call my friends.
Now I am back in my new hometown looking forward to the chance of  introducing my wonderful Adelaide friends to my just as wonderful Melbourne friends


Looking Back on this last two years despite all the hurdles and obstacles I have had . I really would not wish it any other way
Finally I can say that I have found a true inner happiness and peace. The likes of which I have never felt before or even dreamed possible
And true friendships that are worthy of embracing and holding onto and nurturing


And somewhere in all that I just realised I really am living full-time

love you much

=^.^=

Merry Christmas Everyone

the Christmas work lunch

As the Christmas / coming out lunch drew ever closer . Instead of feeling daunted or feeling like maybe I shouldn't go never really entered my mind . Although I did detour to visit my Doctor to thank him for all the care he has given me this year, and a little trip to buy perfume and moisturiser .
So I arrived there fashionably late . and much to the surprise of everyone I arrived quite casually dressed in jeans, boots and a nice blue top that showed my shoulders. Armed with my favourite outfit and freshly styled hair. I was ready to show the true me to all
Charlie was the first to greet me still wearing a cap as always " Hi Alice how has your day been " . that pretty much set the tone for the day
everyone was so nice and friendly . Almost as if they knew how big a decision it was for me to be real with them all
of course I naturally gravitated to the girls table . I have always had better conversations with girls for obvious reasons. They were somewhat surprised to see me but with in minutes we were getting along fine and Maria asked a few pointed questions which I was only to happy to answer

Thomas(my boss) being the lout that he is thwacked my bra ,my response was to in my most put out voice ,claim that id have him for harassment . to which we all had a good laugh
I even got a peck on the cheek from one of the lads as I was leaving

No one there was surprised by me or my attire at all. So obviously they had all been waiting for me to be ready to come out in my own sweet time.
I am so looking forward to going back to work on the ninth as Alice and not having to look back at what could have been. Instead now I can at last relax totally and just be !

now I have another good reason to buy another Pandora charm  

 =^.^=

My last day at work as a ?

So finally I had my last day at work  presenting as something not quite female and definitely anything but  male
if the way I've been treated at job sites is true
Almost every time I get onto a site I am met with offers of help or winning smiles and confused looks
It's both nice and disconcerting at the same time . As its hard to read what they are thinking
So far no-one this year has been either  rude, vulgar and no one at any of the sites has seen fit to make nasty comments about the  trannie .
I did have some bad things happen last year . But I also had so many delightful experiences that they far out weighed both the bad experiences and what I had been led to believe a lonely and sad life
Something I was much prepared for but glad that I was so surprised at both the love and heartfelt respect I have received

today would have been a perfect sitcom
the day in the life of Alice as she battles with staff that have no clue how long it takes to get a job done let alone get there and back
it really was one poorly orchestrated mishap after another . and yes I totally lost my cool and put my fist through a wall at work
Something I haven't done in many years not proud of it , but yes I had a tanty and there was not a tantrum mat in sight

Out of the Seven jobs on my list today not even one went right
From not being told the colour paint to pick up and being supplied white instead of off white (YaY)
Or the shower that I had to both build on site and spend three hours driving for
To the very large thick glass panel that not only was a pain to manoeuvre up three flights of stairs instead of the advised One . but also it  had been measured wrong so we had to get it back down into the van lugging  a Fifty kilo panel is hard enough with out having to wend it up through a narrow stairwell

 But In one way I leave this Year of work , Secure in a job with beautiful caring and loving people who acknowledge the fact I am very good at my job . but respect and understand the fact that transition for me is not a choice but a decision based on both my physical and mental well being
And as such have asked me on more than one occasion " When (not if ) I'm going to go full time "
and as such are helping me to make the transition smoother

If you think I love the job and people I work with you would be correct

Even when its as crazy as today was , I still have never had as much love and respect as I have had this last two years since I first moved here to begin anew

And as of next year I will finally be able to pick up the phone and say
" FlexiRobes, Alice Paige  speaking"


 January the Ninth I come back as Alice Renae Paige full time , no more will I have to use my old name again I so can't wait and whats even better my name change and gender marker will be updated also
so it will be official I'm a girl and I'm also really named "Alice"

Mwah love you all so much
Have a fantastic Christmas
love laugh and enjoy your time

=^.^=

It's The Final Countdown

With just Two days 13 hours 43 minutes and  11..10.. 9..7..... seconds remaining
Till I finally bust free from this prison of my own doing
no more will I be required to answer by my male name at work
no longer will I have to question the puzzled looks I get at the job sites and wonder how much do they know or do they care

December the 23rd at the staff Christmas breakup I finally get to reveal all of me
Well OK not that much
But the opportunity to show my real self as Alice is something I long for more than air itself
I am sure it will be bizarre for some of the workers from the other factory, even though they obviously have formed their own ideas about my gender and gender preference
(even I don't have an answer for preference yet ) right now I'm just happy to be in love with people



Ive already decided to go for a nice casual look for the dinner ,as I see no benefit in glamming up in sequins and feather boas . I think that would work against me
I just hope they realise that they are free to ask any question as long as its not too rude
Best of all they get three weeks holiday to adjust .

Its such a tiny thing . But I'm really looking forward to next year being able to answer the office phone and say
"Flexi Robes Alice Paige.. speaking"


tick tock...tick tock.....tick Tock

Friendships

This is just to random
I periodically check my junk mail to see if anything important slipped through the filter and low and behold I find this little gem from Tara the medium
Yes its true I'm guilty at times of getting sucked in by the promise of what she has to offer, and paying a fee for advice
I'm a dreamer ,so shoot me
but this one in the light of what has been going on in my life with friends that I cannot contact and friends that have stopped contacting me . I just have to share this

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Dear Alice,

We all live in a specific location. We have certain activities, we’re surrounded by certain people, and we all lead a certain kind of life. Among the people you know, your friends are very important, whether you have one or many.

First you have to know who your real friends are, and differentiate them from simple acquaintances. The best time to do that is when things get tough.

An acquaintance will always find an excuse for not helping you out, or coming to see you. But a real friend will always be there to offer comfort and come to your aid, sometimes even before you call on them!

You don’t have to wait for something terrible to happen to know who would help you when you have a problem. Think about the people around you, and those you consider your friends. Then imagine a difficult situation, and try to figure out who you’d be able to count on under such difficult circumstances.

Draw up a list of who you think your real friends are, and then be straight with them. Above all, don’t let minor arguments ruin a great friendship.

Before you start a fight with someone and say things you may regret later on, think hard and ask yourself whether the friendship you have is really worth sacrificing because you’re angry.

If the answer is no, do what’s necessary to reconcile with the other person, whose help and support you’ll need one day. Also let them know they can count on you at any time.

Your devoted friend,

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In short just because I haven't contacted you in a while or seen your smiling face does not mean that I don't think about you

I spend almost all my spare time wondering how you all are and what your doing

Even the friends that seem to have forgotten about me and seem to no longer care for me in any way 

I will always love each and every one of you till the end of my life 

even if it does feel like a one-sided friendship right now

If your missing a friend never let a petty argument or situation come between you , friendships are not easily won but they are worth all the energy invested in them

To all my friends near and far I love you more than you could ever Believe possible  

=^.^=

F#&K You

Most of the time I seem to function quite well But today after the horrible news about my dream home ,compounded by the loss of close friends (as in they avoid me , not died) is really dragging me down

I feel like I am at an all new low right now really finding it difficult to scrape a few disjointed  words together
this last few months I have been banging my head against a brick wall . You would think that after the first few times I would say to myself . " why be so silly , they are not there for you any more , and they really couldn't give a flying fig for. I am slowly starting to realise that and I twigged when I was seeing if they still wanted my help moving  and their reply " I could really use your Van" , I should have just dropped the van of seeing they didn't really need me.
And to be honest I'm totally annoyed that instead of saying Hey I really enjoyed flirting with you and making out in the back of her car. but I cant do this any more .
 Sure it would have hurt then, but not as much as it does right now

But no she treated me exactly the way  most "Men" treat women when they lose interest ,
Just pretend she's not there and maybe she will go away
Sorry but my heart just does not have an off switch ,any of my ex's will pay testimony to that
I still Love and cherish all of them and still enjoy great friendships with some too

I'm sure you saw me breaking apart and heard me crying for help. But you chose to just on the sidelines and laugh at me instead

And then she has the balls to re extend an invite to her Birthday BBQ so I can watch her swapping spit with her new Girlfriend
Like I really want to have a better reason to do myself in .

            No Thank you





I just hope when she dumps her latest toy . she more thoughtful and respectful of their feelings

10:32

10:32 This morning I received the call that left me hollow inside as if someone really had ripped out my heart all over again and thrown it on the floor with the rest of the trash and broken glass on the factory floor

I actually crumpled in a heap on the verge of breaking down as the agent told me the bad news
I gave the property to someone else
Had I sent the email he requested for more contact details but just one hour earlier I would be moving into my dream home next week
already I had planned the plantings for the rear courtyard and had a picture in my mind as to how I would set up the lounge-room and could see the great dinner parties I could have had at the table with close friends both new and old

Mary the owner felt so bad when we chatted later, but her agent thought I had lost interest as I hadn't replied fast enough for him
She has however offered up another place in Ivanhoe which I have yet to look at. its another 60 a week so not much more three ways and apparently has two spacious lounge-rooms and an ensuite in the main bedroom, and its air conditioned  So worst case scenario I take that one and move in when the other tenants leave
Checking out Realestate.com.au and every place I see is a poor substitute to the jewel that I had found dare I say tripped on
So the search continues for a place that will captivate my heart and my imagination  

Pen War

I was at Myers Chadstone, just window shopping with a friend when I noticed  that they have a huge pen department
So I dragged my friend over and drooled over some of the lovely and expensive pen sets . Eventually I remembered why I was there and asked one of the sales staff if they had different nibs for my fountain pen as mine is at times a little too broad for my style
well the sales guy was anything less than helpful as he stood there with a condescending glare, as if he was wasting his precious life even acknowledging my existence   I felt like slapping him just for being born when another sales guy walked up just in time to rescue me from doing just that.
He had a look at my Lamy fountain pen and ushered me over to a drawer full of nibs and offered me a no3 to replace my no5 nib I had to explain to him that he no3 was to fine for my writing style and seeing that he couldn't find the nib I wanted
He suggested a program for me that would allow me to reproduce my style using the printer after I had written my letter on my computer
That's about when I lost all remaining sensibility and and asked him why in the world would I want to write my deepest thoughts on the computer just to print them out. It was at this time the obnoxious one decided to put his two cents worth in. Well that was about all I could cope with as I rose and unsheathed the nib of my pen and began to attack I lunged parried and slashed at his chest leaving blue splotches and sweeping lines over the front of his crisply starched shirt

As guards and passing shoppers puled us away he broke down sobbing at the sight of his once clean shirt
and accused me of leaving the deepest wounds "this is the the darkest blue I have seen" he cried , as he was dragged away
come on it was only royal blue mixed with a little black ink
I felt somewhat vindicated as I got ejected from both the shop and my dream
and thrust back into the reality of my workaday life

Beware not to annoy me today, or I might write you a scathing letter

F

When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 

When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat

When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 

When you first kissed my lips I fell in love

If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue

Moving

Almost every day I have dreamt of moving to a nicer suburb that is closer to my core group of friends both locally
and by default of not having to commute the aptly name Tullamarine carpark (30 plus minutes to get into town with stop start traffic )
which will make it even quicker to go out to visit my friends in and past Frankston

Lately I have been sharing with a female nurse and although we get along fine usually. I have always been aware of her disdain towards me at times in relation to my gender issues. And for the longest time I actually enjoy that she works late so I can feel like at least part of the place is mine .
When ever she's at home I actually stay in my room and feel most unwelcome when she has guests around , even though some of her friends like me and have no problem calling me by my true name and have more than once asked how she(Alice) is doing

So it was a great surprise to me the other day , Tuesday 28/11/11 I was installing a shower screen for a customer in her newly renovated home . Meanwhile she was showing the property to her real-estate agent
I just had to ask and within moments she's giving me the grand tour of the place and describing exactly what she will be doing with both the rear courtyard and the soon to be front courtyard
Already all the rooms have been completely repainted in a nice clean white
the kitchen has had a complete revamp all new cupboards bench-tops and brand new appliances
they have knocked out a wall so the kitchen opens up onto the decent dining and the super spacious lounge-room
And just to top it all of the floors have been re-sanded and polished with a gorgeous honey coloured lacquer

This is quite literally the type of place I have been dreaming about for the last two years
And the first one that has ticked all the boxes I look for in a house (except that there is no tram stop nearby )
although its no more than a ten minute to the Heidelberg train station

So hopefully I will be signing the papers next week as long as I can get the bond and advance rent in time.And  expect to be moving in  shortly after that
I have already worked out that after rent and the storage fee I reluctantly pay every week I will have the grand total of Thirteen Dollars a day left   YAY

ok it doesn't look like much yet but in a few weeks this will be a secluded area for those
beautiful summer nights spent with friends and a glass or two of wine

The rear courtyard
An ideal retreat for a good book

I never noticed the dishwasher before

Oh I can just picture the dinner parties here

This is the First lounge-room picture  I've seen
that actually makes the room look smaller
than it is

So now I need to go back to Adelaide and throw out everything I don't actually need or want any-more
And truck my furniture and the things I cant part with back to my new home . I'm so looking forward to sleeping on my own bed and entertaining with wine food and good cheer with friends

All I need to do now Is find two wonderful people two share my sunny happy home with
And I think I found one lovely person to share with me already

And All I can think of right now
"are we there yet "



=^.^=

Breakfast with my boss

Someone just reminded me about this

My boss had asked me for a hand moving some furniture from his storage back into his house
And as usual I found I had double booked myself . Knowing that there would be no time to to race home and change. I decided it would be best if I went as my true self
I clean forgot to warn him that I would be there as the girl I feel I am. So when he opened the door he was a little shocked to see me all made up.
 Yet my boss being the wonderful boss he is called me by my name and never once referred to me in the male gender or name . So after I changed into a daggy t shirt and shoes we headed of and moved several van loads of furniture, white goods and books. seeing that his storage was only around the corner from his house we got the bulk of what he wanted moved in a far shorter amount of time than expected so I actually had a little time to kill before I had to head of for my coffee meetup with Y-Gender
So my boss offered to take me out for breakfast at one of his favourite cafes. I had the bircher style muesli and a latte. I was so surprised at just how comfortable he was with me even though in reality the only thing different about me was that I was dressed a lot better and had make-up on.
After our breakfast he announced that he wanted to go and look for a new lounge suite his previous house mate had left was ugly. (which it was )   So of we trot in search of the perfect lounge shop after shop we chatted freely and tried out the various options. of course I ended up finding the perfect lounge suite for myself
this gorgeous red modular with super comfy cushions reduced from $11,000 to just a mere $7,000
of course I would have to include the lamps and the lovely table with its gloss red glass top and the white entertainment unit
I think after I added up all the bits I liked and wanted it was already over $18,000. but that's my champagne taste and water budget . So I just sat in that lounge and dreamed of what might be until he returned from the toilet .
And of again we continued the hunt for the lounge he wanted. It wasn't until the last few shops , that he commented " you do realise everyone is looking at us like were some bizarre couple" I had noticed this and had been gauging his reaction to the fact that people were questioning us in their minds
I have become used to the odd looks and questioning stares by people and have learned not to be phased by it
unless it becomes something rude or threatening . And was more than ready to take of if it was past his level of comfortability. As it turned out he wasn't actually bothered by it that much. In fact he even commented on the fact that I deal with this almost daily having to live my life with odd looks and applauded the fact I deal with it so well

Sometimes I forget these little treasures in life. OK so its something so simple just a regular day for people who don't have to deal with gender dysphoria. but going out that day was so much fun I actually forgot that  my lifestyle choice is confusing for some

I know by boss hasn't read my posts since he stumbled across my coming out letter too my ex girlfriend and friend . But I hope he knows how much his respect of me that day meant

That Black Dress

After Having spent A fantastic Friday and Saturday with my great friend Ina
I always find that time spent with her to be restorative for me
we chatted  the whole night and shared our music loves ,oh and bitched about our friends
I never realised that she loved progressive trance and dance music as much as me
we bopped around and surprisingly managed to go empty three bottles of good wine
eventually we had to go to sleep, or risk looking like trash the next morning
The poor thing found out that I still grind my teeth at night ,although now its more like a squeaking mouse
than two rocks grinding away
Saturday I was welcomed in to the new day with breakfast in bed that could feed a family
and even after that she asked if I was ready for bacon and eggs
I have to wonder who was paying her to feed me yet more fat pills
After she drove around all the sites of her town and the port areas and feed me the bacon and eggs that had been proffered before ,oh my god it was yummy
scrambled egg bacon on home-made bread with sweet tomatoes drizzled on top
Simple yes but yummy
I had a truly wonderful time

Foremost in my mind all week has been the fact that Christine was having a party this Saturday night
and knew that my recent spate of panic attacks would prevent me from attending
which I know annoyed her more than she would admit

So it was a surprise that with 20 minutes left of my one and a half hour drive, I find myself selecting the bottle of wine I will take to the party
Its seems the allure of my black dress was telling me go have fun and see your friends
So after having commuted one and a half hours in the rain I was getting ready four yet another two hour return journey
As I sneaked up the stairs I spied my beautiful friend and gave her a big hug , she seemed a bit surprised I had made it as she knew how many problems I have been having lately . My dress glittered and sparkled like a glitter ball all I need now is to be able to dance like Moloko "sing it back"

One day i might actually find someone who can make me that dress and cap . its a basic flapper dress but Ive never seen the right reflective material


I even got to meet Kendall at last. He was in the kitchen as usual cooking up a storm of delicious nibbles for us all to eat . Then I did the rounds and re-introduced myself just in case some of them had forgotten who I was
 The Atmosphere was nice and cosy but I still found myself feeling like an outsider looking in. But I was still felt good enough to try and entice the crowd to try more of Kendall's delightful food
As I made my rounds to say goodbye not even an hour and a half later . I was happy just to have got their at all , as it means I'm not allowing my fears to swamp me and return me to the hermit lifestyle I lived for so many years ( Seven years of just working eighty hours a week and hiding at home ) Its not really what I consider living
Its ironic really. As I'm out loud and proud in my normal day to day life, and have had little problem being accepted and happily answer questions about my gender identity issues. Yet when it comes to social events  I have become a little timid and shy of late. Something I'm working on but it will take time and a few more failures im sure

crap

Once again I find myself revisited again by the ghosts that persist in haunting me .
Still after so many years you think I would have learnt by now how to make friends and keep them
but for some silly reason I still manage to what I'm best at
which seems to be only one thing. And that is pushing my friends away ,or putting them in a position where all they can do is abandon me.

I'm so sick and tired of this life at times , I never asked to be born this way. Lately every day I feel more lost and isolated than I can ever remember feeling before. All I want to do right now is curl up in bed and die when really all I want to do is call on a friend for help
And although I have this feeling of isolation I find that I am deliberately isolating  myself from everyone that I care about . A good friend is having a party this weekend and as much as I want to attend in my mind I have already decided that I wont be there to help her celebrate


To all my loved friends that have left and those that remain. I do love you all so much , but at times I cant bear the pain of the losses to date , and the losses to come

A Day to remember / Wardrobe malfunction

After having spent a wonderful day and evening with a good friend I had never met before .

We decided to head of to the "Transgender Day of Remembrance". a yearly event to mark the passing of some of our Sisters and  Brothers who we have lost to violent hate crime. It sounds grim I know but it is also a celebration of how much society has and is changing its viewpoint about our unique Gift/Curse .

I say Gift/Curse as we are equipped with a unique perspective on life, love and people that I wouldn't give up for all the world. We quickly learn not to judge solely based on what and how a person projects to the world as its  more often than not, the mask worn to protect themselves from judgement or ridicule

looking out the window with the sun shinning ,I assumed that this event will be at a park and  as its going to be a hot day.  I decided that I would try on my brand new and never worn $200 'Satch"dress that I found at the Salvo store for $30 

Its Smurf blue with these lovely pastel green braided spaghetti straps and impossible to wear a bra with.

I tried it on and my friend assured me I looked great in it , you have to love friends that tell the best lies 

teamed up with a pair of five inch strappy heels I had never worn we headed of to find a patch of grass 

Only to find that it was an indoors event, and I was going to bring a parasol and sunblock. Well this little miss felt very overdressed as I looked around to see my Sisters and Brothers all very casual and  hear I am in this quite revealing dress 

At the entryway there were this nicely made yellow ribbons symbolising the days festivities 

 As I dragged my handbag of my shoulder  to rummage for change to put t in the donation box the flimsy shoulder strap fell down my arm dragging the top of my dress. Here I am coins in jar and I have my whole left breast on display. I must have terrified the young man at the door but he hid it well and we both had a laugh about it 

Throughout the day I had similar although not as showy events. If I leant over the wrong way it would afford people a glimpse of a part of me I usually do not display.

Acceptance

ac·cept·ance    [ak-sep-tuhns]
noun
1 : the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2 : favorable reception; approval; favor.
3 : the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4 : the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.



Its funny how easy it is to forget or disregard the importance of such a simple concept

It was only last week that Charlie at work made it all to clear that he knew exactly what I am doing and understood the concept that one day if I have my way my Outy will be an Inny . And that he supports me totally , and further more thinks that I'm a great person .( well even he gets things wrong )

My Mum and Dad have been travelling around Victoria this last month or so . And once a week they send me chocolates from wherever they happen to visit . So its no surprise at all when I check the letter box and theirs yet another parcel from them .
Its addressed to Alice Paige not my former name . And for me that's all I Ever want is for them to call me by my new name .  This time However instead of the usual chocolates, they bought me a piece of costume jewellery
Its loud and gaudy and cheap . So not really the type of thing I would wear to often .
the little note read
" dear Alice , you asked us not to send you any more fat pills .. So this is a little something different "
So by now I'm sobbing, crying and smiling at the same time .
I found that Driving to work and crying out is more difficult than I thought . And I'm sure I must have looked a sight at the traffic lights ,balling my eyes out and really not caring what some onlooker may have  thought

It wasn't the fact that they had given me a gift that did it . It was the simple fact that they actually took the time to buy me something more in keeping with my chosen gender. which is in stark contrast to the usual  brutt 33 gift packs I would recieve

The thing that really strikes me is that I have spent seventeen agonising years before I finally accepted my true nature. Even then it took me another five years before I began my transition.
and yet the people I associate with both at work and socially all seem to have embraced me for who I am as a person much more readily than I ever did

Botox for the first time

Or maybe I should call this Tram Track removal 




I have these forehead frown lines that I almost believe I was born with ,I've had them that long 
 none of my friends seem to notice as being that bad or they are just being polite .
true we all have lines from years of smiling frowning or in my case squinting from bright lights and frowning from the unhappiness I suffered for so many years.And some of these lines are also are reminder of laughter and happiness 
Although being on hormones has helped to soften my skin and this has actually reduced the appearance of my lines more than i would have expected . I still see them in the mirror and to me they are an ugly reminder of my former life and the hatred I used to feel for myself .  
So finally I booked in to see my new cosmetic miracle worker on the 26th of October 2011. I handed her all the spare cash I had $240 
six injections later and I'm out the door feeling very much like I had been ripped of, I would have to wait for at least 10 days to see a positive result 
Well eight days later I try to frown , and I burst out giggling I cant actually frown anymore and the feeling is so odd as you feel one set of muscles moving and the ones above don't move. Already I can see a difference and feel one too . so far the smallest of the lines have all but vanished. 
looking in the mirror now I can still see them but I feel so much better knowing one day soon they will be gone 

before botox and a month into
 hormone therapy


February 2010










Taken on 
12th of November 2011 


you can clearly see that my tram tracks are reduced 
and I only just realised how severe my widows peak used to be 

panic on the dancefloor

I arrive and wander around looking to see my friends who haven't arrived yet ,I immediately begin to wonder if they are about to stand be up ,the way I have been lately . I couldn't blame them if they did 

At the bar I order a lemonade to try and quench this persistent dessert mouth I have lately . , two minutes later my friends arrive and we begin the hunt for a patch of comfortable space to occupy, a lovely comfy sofa is our prize . 

Within ten minutes I already know it wont be long till I have to go 

yet another lemonade which still wont help me get rid of the dessert in my mouth . so here I am with great people around me and I feel like an Island isolated and lost . 

There is a conversation that I want to listen into, but the crashing in my ears and the noise from the speakers destroys any hope  of even gleaning more than a syllable. by the time the menu comes around for me to see what delectable delights are on offer ,Well it may as well have been written in Swahili I now cannot focus on anything at all . so I politely say I'm not hungry  and don't want anything . This is true the thought of food makes me sick sometimes  

So within less than an hour I'm past the point of any comfort and I'm telling my best friend I have to go now . she's concerned I know and starts to ask why but I already know that I have to go before I break down completely.

I'm glad she is such a good friend and knew not to push or I would have made a very public mess of myself in another minute...

Walking out I hate myself for not being strong  and confident which I'm sure I must have been to transition and not really bother that I don't pass , most of the time I'm feeling like a fat pig in a dress . but I know that living as a boy was far worse for my health than this.

I walked down the backstreet's looking for my car only to realise I had headed out in the wrong direction so backtracking I pass one of my friends and thankfully she was to busy on her mobile to notice me 

It seems lately every time that a social situation comes up I back out.  I just hope my friends realise I have no control over my fears and stressors and there is nothing I would like more than to be going out with them dancing and showing the world just how bad I am at karaoke but right now I die before I get out the door . and choose instead to  hibernate in my 3 1/2m by 3m bedroom and sleep . Sometime i feel if I didn't have to work I would hide in their all day .


I have so many things I want to do and I have either avoid going or changed my mind at last minute 
If your one of my many wonderful friends please don't give up on me just yet

Surprise I know a secret

Funniest thing happened today .

I thought Charles , he is our ace shower screen producer ,smart as a tack and nice person to boot
He will occasional bring food in that his wife made to share ,and always has a good word to say and seems like a genuinely happy person. He is also well into his 60's

I've guessed for a while now that he might know more about me than I give him credit for , but never once has he made a comment about it to me, or really dropped a hint
I'm me and he thinks I'm an OK person in his book

So heres me and charlie working out how best to make another of our totally unique custom designed showers
( which really means , the sales guy sold them a shower he shouldn't have and we now have to make the damn thing work )
at the end of our planning and preparation he said
" I only know five men that can do this , make that six " with his very next breath he recants this statement with
" make that five men and a girl "
that's me spun out I know I can be a bit obvious and there are certain visible changes I can no longer hide ,nor do I desire too
then comes the nail in the coffin
" have you had the sex change yet ? and would you like me to call you Alice from now on ? "
Im glad he was on the other side of the table or he would have got the biggest hug from me

My answer . "No not yet . and only if your comfortable calling me Alice "

So now all the people in my factory both know and respect myself and my decision. 

Some Days I love my Life

mwah      =^.^=

Getting ready for fulltime

It's funny to think that only two years ago. Back when I was living in Adelaide. I was afraid to go out of the confines of my house dressed as the girl I felt I was inside
My first venture out was to my ex's house wearing my favourite boots and my corset under my male clothes
purely to let her know that I'm changing and to test the waters as to Whether she would still respect me once she found out  about my true self
It seems so foolish now looking back , the excuses of her washing machine being  broken was more a convenient way of her letting my try her clothes on for size so that I could get a better idea of what types of clothing worked for me and the sizes I needed to order
I was still very much in the closet and the thought of walking into a shop ,even under the guise of I'm getting this for a friend , filled me with dread so all my purchases were on eBay or online departments . So you can just imagine the number of items that looked good on display either didn't fit or looked totally ridiculous on me

And here I am now at the point of bursting to go full time as my true self
At work most people have a fair idea that their is something very different about me , most think I'm effeminate or gay .
some actually know the truth of things and have been most accepting towards me and are comfortable enough to make wisecracks and  jokes  nothing bad , one wisecrack  was in reference to a work BBQ , where I was warned away from the BBQ as its a man's domain , "get back into the kitchen and make salad"..

Lately my bosses asked me again when am I planning on going full-time and who do I want to know my real name.I've always convinced myself it will be next year in February . But lately I have been going to work wearing foundation mixed into my sun-block and a little powder and so far no one has said anything about it
and I have always worn my bracelets to work ,  But the big surprise for me  was last Monday I woke up and got dressed in my normal work wear yet as I was getting ready to leave I realised I had also put on a bra without really thinking about it , It was only then that I knew that February is a long way away ,I'm so not going to make it that far . I have now decided that in three weeks time I want to do my name change and start working wholly as Alice , It will be strange yes  as most of my clients are involved with the construction and renovating of development properties. so a very blokey world

Having said its a blokey environment , here I am walking in and its quite obvious that certain visual aspects are sending the cues to most of the tradies brains that I'm not really a male .
I have never in Eight years of shop-fitting  had anyone offer to help with one tool box let alone cumbersome items.
I did find one site in particularly amusing every day I was there at least two macho tradies offered assistance . And more friendly comments than I would normally expect
Maybe its a Victorian thing.

So finally today November the 9th 2011.
I actually let my boss know that I have been thinking about bringing forward my full-time date
or as he likes to call it , the Alice stops cross-dressing like a man date
So I think late this week or early next week my two bosses and The HR manager will be chatting about the best way to enable me to live full-time. And the best method for informing all the other people at the company . in a way that they feel comfortable
I'm expecting it to be where they can have it explained to them in an environment where I'm not there, so they can feel comfortable expressing their thoughts without me present and without having to censer their comments , then I will be available at another time if they would like to ask questions or find out more information from me

so my original date of February 2012 has been amended by the ever present slippery slope

Work

The first job I gained  in Melbourne was with M.I.P. roofing out at Frankston which I started in early 2010

It started out  just through a labour hire company but within a month they realised what a great asset I was to their company and they took me on full time
Most of the time I worked with Andy an older surfing hippy and we got along  really well and it wasn't long before he noticed the differences in me as the hormones took effect over the nine months we worked together
over time the others I worked with from time to time , and two in particular took great delight in being rude and vulgar to me and basically treating me to constant  ridicule top the point of telling me I should ask my boss to pay for my sex change . It was only then that I realised how obvious it was to others exactly what was going on in my life . And in August I had my first set of false nails which was of some amusement at work and It wasn't long before Andy told me they have a betting ballot on me the most popular was that I'm gay or a cross-dresser
It was all a ruse as it turns out there was no such ballot , but I had already had a chat with Andy and let him know that I'm transgendered and we had a great discussion , he was actually the first straight person I came out too and the reaction could not have been more promising ,the compassion he had for my condition and my happiness. I felt truly blessed to be working with him , over the next few months he was my friend, confidant and my champion when two of the roofers took there belittling attitude to far . I never had someone stand-up for me like that before and that in itself was an amazing feeling
The feeling of liberation when I realised that most of  my co-workers knew and that the majority were actually happy for me is something that words can never really describe
 Aside from two people who refused point blank to work with me. everyone seemed to appreciate me as a person and valued my ethics towards people and work . And were comfortable enough to associate with me and joke with me. One of the young lads was quite funny , he always noticed the new nail art on my little finger nail . and posed so many questions till one day he stated " I finally worked you out "   " your a Girl trapped in a mans body" for someone so young and macho  it was kind of startling , after that he was quite happy to work with me and was more comfortable around me.

This job dissolved at the end of the year partly due to a slow down in roofing jobs over the Christmas season
 and maybe in part, that although I could perform the work requirements they probably deemed it better for me to find something else.

So on January the fifth I found I had no job to go back too , unheard of for me to be both broke and without any income potential. I saw an ad in the weekly free paper and On the sixth of January while I was at my nail techs having my birthday present , I received a call from them ,I had my first ever phone interview and the next day they had me in for a proper interview
They liked the fact I was so versatile in what I was able to offer them that within two days I had a new job
I've been with them for just 11 months now and they think of me as an integral part of the company, And best part of it is, is that my boss admitted that he had googled my email address in the first week and found my coming out letter , which he only told me after my three month probation was over .
Since then I have had the chance to work both in the office learning how to run the business and make the best use of resources. And out on sites installing showers mirrors and 10mm glass panels
Also I am looking after some of our pickier builders who demand a certain level of service, for which they now contact me directly as opposed to ringing the office and waiting to be looked after.

Essentially I have been completely blessed with my work life this last two years . I makes me wonder why I had spent all this time hiding my true self away
I no longer feel the need to hide any more . as people accept me for who I am not what I am.

life

When I first moved over here from Adelaide I left behind a well paying job for a chance at a new life . I had both a job and accommodation lined up both of which fell through at the mid point of my eight hour drive  here
so I had a choice continue onwards to an uncertain future or go back home with my tail between my legs and get my old job back which although was quite possible , I knew I couldn't stall my plans for yet another 10 years.
 So I continued on  and arrived in Melbourne to one of the scariest and daunting sights the skyline of greater Melbourne , coming from a small sleepy town to this mega city put the fear of god into me . but still I persisted.

Having no accommodation and no  idea where I was, I drove around for Three hours trying to find a place to sleep that was within my budget , finally I came across the Coburg motor inn which was my home base for the next two weeks while I searched for a place to live
Finally I found somewhere I met my new landlady and we seemed to hit it of really well , she drove trucks for a living and was a fun person to get to know ,I taught her about hair and  facial care routines  .And she took me to a Buddhist temple for meetings. Of course I hadn't told her about my dreams and goals , but she soon noticed and came to like the female energy I exuded. That was Until her daughter moved in  then the tension started . it was also the first time I went out as Alice .
I had got changed into the new clothes I had bought and went out to a meeting at Ausgender where not only was it my first outing as Alice, but also the first time I would get to meet up with other people who also Identified as Gender diverse. I still remember that giddy feeling just driving up there and when I walked in I felt eyes on me but strangely I wasn't scared or intimidated . it was truly amazing that finally I could meet up with like-minded people and not be cruelly judged as a freak.
Back In Adelaide I used to see two cross dressers that used to go to the same cafe as me , and I always wished I had the courage to ask if I could sit with them , and find out their story as I am sure it would have helped me come to terms with my own desire to be female. but no I spent four months watching them come in for coffee and a chat ,seemingly oblivious of the eyes watching and studying

So finally I'm out in the world as Alice ,and the feeling of excitement and astonishment that I had finally made that first step totally blew me away , with in two weeks I had my first ever shopping trip as the real me . The lovely assistant at my local chemist did my make-up for me , I didn't think that through very well as after that I still had to walk out into a busy mall with make-up on getting strange looks from everyone and get to my van and back home
Anne picked me up and took me too the local DFO ( Direct Factory Outlet ) where yet again I was met by more strange looks . Although there was no malice or rude words thrown my way
sitting there with Anne Having coffee and cake , I suddenly remembered the two cross-dressers I used to watch
and realised that so many girls have been through this daunting first stage and survived and I will too . after coffee we headed of  for the much needed retail therapy.
All the sales girls were lovely and helpful , my first shopping trip although I came back home with money still in my purse ,was a major success

Love/Hate

How I wish sometimes I could hate you
or too never have met you
for eight long years I managed to avoid any feelings of note
never once allowing my heart to be free to see the sunlight or feel its warmth
aside from two people no one really saw me for who i was .
sure I would chat with the staff at my local shopping centre or in the course of my work a day life
I even managed to bury myself in 80 hours or more a week of work , all to avoid contact
or the chance to feel again

Moving to Melbourne is like a double edged sword for me . Yes it gave me the opportunity to transition and finally be the real me that I never felt I could achieve in that little sleepy town called Adelaide
(Funny to think I toyed with taking Adelaide as my new name)
yes I have more friends now and friends of great quality and I feel as though I can achieve my goals here also

But unfortunately it also meant that some of those towering barricades and strongholds I had painstakingly built for all those years had to come down .   that's OK I thought ,maybe now is a good time to start letting people in to discover the real me hiding away deep inside
then I met someone who completely took my breath away, as they calmly punched a hole through all those remaining shields to exact size of my heart
oh my god , I really haven't felt so much joy in years
we would catch up to share  quiet meals in the coolest places, all the while testing my taste buds with new and exciting flavours , we would  just chat for hours about everything and nothing seemingly at the same time.  the whole time I never once craved for a cigarette even after Five or more hours
So completely mesmerised was I that in their presence I completely forgot that I shared this world with anyone more than the two of us.
then one day we kissed I will never forget that feeling of pure joy and the giddy feeling as my head and my heart spun as the last battlement to my heart fell with little more than a sigh
 
I can truly say  I cannot remember ever having been as happy as I was then. To finally have someone that loves the real me and not the persona I had worn for so many years when I was dating all those years ago

Then came the trip away and that's when it all changed .
Since they came back. it feels like they deliberately hold me so far away so as not to be tainted by my smell
our conversations are now so bland by comparison as if the act of talking to me bores them and takes up to much of their precious time

Its now got to the point that the thought of meeting them causes me so much panic even when I will be meeting my other friends that I am physically  incapable of leaving the house , or if I manage to get to the venue I turn around after I get all the way their and run back home sobbing the whole way

even the notion of an event two weeks away bought up such strong feelings I start to cry and sob
I'm becoming a wreck and a liability both at work and in my personal life .

Anti-depressants are helping but I fear I might have to find a more powerful type soon and inhibit all but the most basic of emotions

And the sad part of this is

---------Oh how I wish I had never met you

--------- Oh how happy I am that I finally felt something

getting added on Facebook

The weirdest thing happened today . I'm in the office minding my own business when on of the guys I work with decides he is going to add  me as a friend on Facebook .
  I still go to work every day as a male , primarily as its a fairly labour intensive job and the last thing I want to do  is ruin my good clothes with silicones and dirt from the job , not only that I'm still building up a wardrobe of the clothes I like to wear, and non of the old boy clothes fit into that category.  So I don't mind wrecking them as they only serve to protect what little modesty I have  

I mean he has pretty much always had an idea about me. Although its only in the last few weeks that any doubts were erased ( and if I recall correctly , he posed a pointed question that left no doubt that he knew )  ,  and I don't tend to hide to much if people ask or make it blatantly obvious  as he did ,
I realise that it is not something I can really hide either. So I might as well be honest with people and they can then make up their own mind whether they are comfortable with  my decision .

 Although I don't mind that he knows , I guess I wasn't quite ready to allow complete access to my photos blogs   some of the things I share out of work

And its getting more apparent that  most every one I work with has figured me out to some extent , and I get the feeling that no one really has an issue with me being me . I think if my job was an office job or one where im visiting sites for quotes and on site meetings , not the actual installation side , I would be comfortable enough to be Alice Full time , and get rid of this thin façade I seem to think I need

Next year I have my course in footwear starting mid February and  I have already decided that I will be full time as of early February so its only 103 days 23 hours and 51 minutes and 32,30 ,28,27,26 well you get the idea , but im not counting , honest
So I guess next year Alice might have to go and install showers when I'm not studying

the Parents Meet Alice

  After not having seen either my Mum or Dad since the 29th of December 2010
  At which stage only my Mum was aware that I had finally decided to transition to become Alice
and give up on living the lie I had somehow manage to live for so long
   A few weeks ago i found out they were travelling and coming to meet me .
Which at that stage didn't really bother me that much as I had my own list of problems that were consuming what little time and energy I had leaving me little time to worry about meeting my parents.
Saturday I picked up some lay-bys that I had picked out for the event and made sure I had chosen well .
Sunday was a lovely relaxing day going for coffee with a new friend and chatting over coffee . but by the time I had got home and freshened up and re-did my make-up , I started having fears
first they would get to the door and laugh in my face and call me sick and perverted - or worse still just not show up at all. or if they did it would be a case of not being able to cope seeing me as a girl

  Meanwhile on the other side of Melbourne they were expecting me to cancel on them ,because I wasn't ready to see them or one of the  other silly excuses I manage to come up with
  4:30 I get a call from my mum checking to see if were still ok for tea tonight , of course " I'm here ready and waiting"I say as if I'm not nervous and afraid about meeting my parents for the first time as my true self.
 
  Sure enough 5:30 my parents arrive and ,they are as you would expect taken aback by this girl that opens the door to greet them and proceeds to give them a big hug . after their initial shock at seeing me we head of to a local Italian restaurant and were all relaxed and enjoying a nice cold beverage and pondering on what shall I try tonight  Although this is such a normal occurrence in every day life , it amazed me with its normalcy this night
we chatted all through the starters main meal and through the fabulous Tim Tam cheese cake which although being so scrumptious I was unable to finish it all even after only ordering the entrée sized main meal of
Moroccan  Lamb Risotto which was scrumptious. I want to go back and just order that in the main size . heaven

  So on rather full belly's we headed back toward the car , and of course Melbourne being Melbourne it was now icy cold, not that nice sunny warmth that had been there just two hours ago. so its back of to my home for coffee  and another good chat .
  Its strange that the one person i thought least able to accept my decision to become the girl I have always known I was , Is proud of me and respects me more than he ever did before > finally I have the support of both my parents ,and all I had to do to get that was transition , simple if you say it fast enough 
Its so strange too realise That aside from going full-time and having my surgeries. Dinner with my parents is in a way the last big scary step in my life at the moment  . But then again there is dating and love , they can be scary too

Mwah


=^.^=

One little pill

 Sorry that my first post in ages, is so morbid , but I have this sudden urge to start sharing my life again

  All my life  , well as long as I can possibly remember I have battled with severe depression and thoughts of ending my life. Instead of being smart and seeking help I hid it away and continued in stoic silence as if nothing could affect me > i was strong and I would get through it
  Having known a lot of my friends back in Adelaide who were on anti-depressants . and seeing that glazed expression in their eyes that came with the type of medication they were on  .  And then when I asked them about the side effects , yes they did help but not by much they would say .  and go on further to explain that the medications although keeping them even and prevented the horrible lows ,they also prevented them from feeling the happier moments and the incredible euphoric rush from being so happy you can burst .
  So i decided that they were not for me , I always said I would much rather risk my life on the roller-coaster of emotions.
  Yes my Lows would get so bad that I contemplated ending it all an awful lot , more than i care to admit even to myself . But Ohh those highs , oh  I would forget about how bad the last week had been , and just revel in the orgasmic joy an freedom, only to come over that crest and plummet to the  the bottom of the next dip in such a state I would forget the incredible joy I had felt  no less than two days ago. Where I would end  up in a wreckage  of  blankets tissues and the all important comfort foods on such a regular occurrence   it was now a weekly ritual to pull myself out of bed on Monday go to work then crash back into bed on Friday and hide away all weekend. The worst part of this is that I kept that up for almost seven years . With the odd weekend where I was able to go see a friend if I still had any left and the occasional time where I entertained them with a meal at my house .
I dare say my Ex knew and didn't let on ,just as she didn't let on that she knew I was transgender. I don't really know how I would have coped if she had told then I wasn't fooling anybody about either of these issues

  So all these years later I have made my move to lovely Melbourne started my transition and made some lovely close friends that i never thought i could have before > I'm being active in my community and able to help my friends deal with their emotions , I'm past all my problems YaY
so really I shouldn't have issues with depression and those god damn horrendous Migraines any more. But NO this year it crept up on me again. Sneakily get in without me seeing . until once again im hiding in bed for days on end , not returning my friends calls and avoiding life once more
  It all came to a head three weeks ago after almost three weeks of avoiding everyone and hiding at home in bed , going so far as to try to turn the people I love most, against me just so I had a valid reason to feel so utterly miserable
late on a Tuesday night I both Wrote and Addressed the letter that would let everyone I knew and loved that I was to weak and gutless to continue living. And that I didn't value them enough to call on them when I needed Help . Fortunately I fell asleep before I could muster the energy to get up and run a bath

Wednesday morning I once again got up went to work ,only to hit a wall of pain and heartache by Eleven , Knowing just how bad I was then I finally walked into my GP's office ,well the look on my face told him all he needed to . Ten minutes later im going home with my newest addition to my ever growing medication list and some sleeping tablets ( not what i planned on )

 

Some three Days  and 60 hours sleep later. I can see the veil over my eyes from the medications im on . and it was kind of comforting . almost vaguely aware of your surroundings , and just the act of making a cuppa was almost like watching someone else make it for me
Thankfully that only lasted two days while my medications settled to normal levels
So now every morning and night I take my precious little saviour. I the knowledge that I really do have so much more to live for ,and so much more I have to offer my community by being alive
And What is more the medications still allow me to feel jealousy , hurt , anger and sadness albeit to a lesser extent  so I can see why im feeling that and resolve it not allow it to drown me . But they also allow me to feel that intense joy and happiness that life has to offer.

I write this Partly to express how I feel at times but more hopefully for that one person who feels at the end of their rope .And might find help knowing they are not the only one feeling like its the end

Sorry for the depressing nature of this post

Sydney trip "day "Two

Sunday morning I woke nice and early like I normally do . all I wanted was a nice cup of coffee so at eight I headed down to see if  they have a decent brew , I haven't had filter coffee in years and I still remember how much I loved it when it had aged and acquired that peppery flavour. So I greeted the morning with several peppery coffees and cigarettes . I had two such trips while I waited for sleeping beauty to stop snoring and wake up. gosh she likes to sleep. But the thing I didn't notice or even think about until some of the other girls came down from their rooms , was my level of comfort being able to go down into the dining area and order and mingle without having to spend two hours perfecting my dress and make-up. some of them had obviously gone to the nines  just to order breakfast .I remember I would do the same and try to make sure I looked as perfect as possible , while a genetic girl would be comfortable just being fresh and clean . but I digress


Finally after much prodding and threats of ice water I managed to rouse Andrea from her deep slumber. And now at last we can go and explore the Sydney Chinatown and wharf district.  Andrea and myself caught up with Jade who I have also never met before  ,even though I consider them both as two of my closest friends
  . So of we go to Chinatown as one of the things I really wanted to try here was Yum Cha ,as I had never experienced it before and a great friend of mine really wanted me to try chickens feet . It was so much fun watching all these trolleys come out with unpronounceable names. so Andrea ordered for us all and steamers full of delicious food proceeded to be offered up to us , deep fried chili prawns and whole range of dumplings .  I reminded her about the  the chickens feet or Ji jiao  and she made sure to order a serve just for me

Of course me loving Facebook so much I couldn't resist posting a picture of it . by the time I had finished the first foot ,I get a message from an eager friend wanting to know if I liked it , Thing I actually loved them to the point of wanting more and telling my friend next time we meet i will have to try the Ox intestine. which she held me to my promise .After what seemed like and endless procession of servings. We finished our lovely meal with Two plates of my favourite dessert



traditional Chinese egg tart made with lard not butter in the pastry
it makes the pastry super rich and flakey

I had first tried these after building the first breadtop store in South Australia the only thing that would have finished the meal perfectly would be a nice green tea bubble tea


their is a really good movie where two bakeries one on each side of the road rival each other. and it gets quite heated, and ever since then I have loved the chines egg tart , which is to me far better than the english version they were adapted from




next stop was just a short waddle away

The magnificent Chinese Gardens of Friendship.. I could not think of a better place for us three friends to spend our fist real meeting together

Its so beautiful and tranquil that you really do forget where you are . as we strolled around from sitting area where we would just stop soak in the peace and chat . then we would slowly make our way to the next sitting area

the sites and sounds in that garden would leave me breathless and amazed at how such a relatively tiny area could contain so much variation and secluded areas for us to sit and chat in person for the fist time




Sorry boring slide show

I have no idea how it happened
but it reminds me of an oil or water painting
on canvas 

couldn't leave without at least one Buddha




By the time we found the way out of the gardens we had little precious time left so we

raced pass the Ferris wheel which I had been looking forward to and headed down to the harbour to see the maritime boats but unfortunately they were closed up for the day ,but we got to have a good look at them from the wharf the quite sizable Orion class submarine looks like a toy next to the destroyer. It almost looks like a bath toy 

on our way back to the car we found this nice pancake restaurant 

and we somehow managed to fit in even more food 

Me and Andrea shared  a delicious savoury crepe , before we started of on the decadent pancake that sat before us 

the much smarter Jade delicately consumed her strawberry and cream pancake . yummy. While me and Andrea with our belly's full complained that we couldn't finish the deliciously sinfully rich treat 

All that remained was to get me back to the airport so I could head of home 

Even with all the delays caused by Jetstar , I had easily one of the best weekends 

I realised I'm emotionally stronger than  I ever thought I could be 

if I can sort out and arrange tickets for myself and others surely I should be able to achieve anything 

Thankyou too my two lovely and dear friends, for such a wonderful weekend 

I love you both