All my life , well as long as I can possibly remember I have battled with severe depression and thoughts of ending my life. Instead of being smart and seeking help I hid it away and continued in stoic silence as if nothing could affect me > i was strong and I would get through it
Having known a lot of my friends back in Adelaide who were on anti-depressants . and seeing that glazed expression in their eyes that came with the type of medication they were on . And then when I asked them about the side effects , yes they did help but not by much they would say . and go on further to explain that the medications although keeping them even and prevented the horrible lows ,they also prevented them from feeling the happier moments and the incredible euphoric rush from being so happy you can burst .
So i decided that they were not for me , I always said I would much rather risk my life on the roller-coaster of emotions.
Yes my Lows would get so bad that I contemplated ending it all an awful lot , more than i care to admit even to myself . But Ohh those highs , oh I would forget about how bad the last week had been , and just revel in the orgasmic joy an freedom, only to come over that crest and plummet to the the bottom of the next dip in such a state I would forget the incredible joy I had felt no less than two days ago. Where I would end up in a wreckage of blankets tissues and the all important comfort foods on such a regular occurrence it was now a weekly ritual to pull myself out of bed on Monday go to work then crash back into bed on Friday and hide away all weekend. The worst part of this is that I kept that up for almost seven years . With the odd weekend where I was able to go see a friend if I still had any left and the occasional time where I entertained them with a meal at my house .
I dare say my Ex knew and didn't let on ,just as she didn't let on that she knew I was transgender. I don't really know how I would have coped if she had told then I wasn't fooling anybody about either of these issues
So all these years later I have made my move to lovely Melbourne started my transition and made some lovely close friends that i never thought i could have before > I'm being active in my community and able to help my friends deal with their emotions , I'm past all my problems YaY
so really I shouldn't have issues with depression and those god damn horrendous Migraines any more. But NO this year it crept up on me again. Sneakily get in without me seeing . until once again im hiding in bed for days on end , not returning my friends calls and avoiding life once more
It all came to a head three weeks ago after almost three weeks of avoiding everyone and hiding at home in bed , going so far as to try to turn the people I love most, against me just so I had a valid reason to feel so utterly miserable
late on a Tuesday night I both Wrote and Addressed the letter that would let everyone I knew and loved that I was to weak and gutless to continue living. And that I didn't value them enough to call on them when I needed Help . Fortunately I fell asleep before I could muster the energy to get up and run a bath
Wednesday morning I once again got up went to work ,only to hit a wall of pain and heartache by Eleven , Knowing just how bad I was then I finally walked into my GP's office ,well the look on my face told him all he needed to . Ten minutes later im going home with my newest addition to my ever growing medication list and some sleeping tablets ( not what i planned on )
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Some three Days and 60 hours sleep later. I can see the veil over my eyes from the medications im on . and it was kind of comforting . almost vaguely aware of your surroundings , and just the act of making a cuppa was almost like watching someone else make it for me
Thankfully that only lasted two days while my medications settled to normal levels
So now every morning and night I take my precious little saviour. I the knowledge that I really do have so much more to live for ,and so much more I have to offer my community by being alive
And What is more the medications still allow me to feel jealousy , hurt , anger and sadness albeit to a lesser extent so I can see why im feeling that and resolve it not allow it to drown me . But they also allow me to feel that intense joy and happiness that life has to offer.
I write this Partly to express how I feel at times but more hopefully for that one person who feels at the end of their rope .And might find help knowing they are not the only one feeling like its the end
Sorry for the depressing nature of this post
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