Heartache

I should be over this by now. Right?

But every  few days I think back on the friendship burgeoning into a little bit more as each day passed
the long chats filled with innuendo and promise of more to come
The flirting using my fantasies as bait to draw even more from this emotionally scared person(me)
And the lovely meals at new and exciting venues followed by our tryst in the back seat

I should be able to put these out of my mind and realise that what I felt was in no way similar to what they felt
Surely its been Eight months And Thirteen days since we were last romantically together
And its been over three months since we have had anything that would count as a real conversation or friendship
And pouring my heart out to them how much you value them and miss there friendship, only to get the reply "DITTO"
sorry but that line only works in movie's and even then it portrays their emotionally disconnected state

So if I know all this. Then why am I still hung up on the first person I allowed close enough to hurt me, leaving me a constant stumbling Idiot pining for the loss of you
Even now I wonder if I really want them back in my life or if would still like them now

Unfortunately that doesn't stop the pain I feel. and to make things worse we both have the same circle of friends and community so obviously we attend similar events and parties

I just wish that the first person to come kicking down my walls wasn't somebody that I cared so deeply for
if you had just been a one night stand I would be fine
But no I had to go and fall in love with you !

                                          

this is my favourite version 

after the original

I heard this song with a good friend while we were out shopping on my birthday, when this song came over the store stereo system .
She commented on how good the song is ,then told me not to listen as the lyrics may
somehow hurt me as she stood there biting her tongue and waiting for me to cry
And they do exactly that as they remind me of the hurt the pain and the rejection
from somebody that I used to know
And the knowledge we will never have that or anything close is a little death every time
As much as I love this song I cant help but cry for my loss

And still every day I hope that one day we can be friends again
as more than anything I miss their company

Maedaya ( a food lovers delight )

It is the simple pleasures in life that I find so outstandingly amazing today
The sun on my face, a smile from a stranger making new friends and__Eating out

It really was not that long ago ( just Two short years ) that just the concept of food and eating out would leave me in cold sweats and anxious.
For days before I was due to go out for a meal with friends  I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that more often than not I would create some form of  "plausible" excuse to get out of something that should be an enjoyable event. And I am sure that's the main reason my friends stopped inviting me out.

The few times that I was not able to get out of a meal in public the tension would build up to a point that the distress would be more than visible to all my friends and sitting in a cool restaurant sweating and looking like I'm about to explode from fear would compound my fears even more, till more often than not I would either order the safest cleanest meal or claim not to be hungry at all and just sip my drink as my friends ate a sumptuous feast with glee at the tastes swirling around in their mouths.
As I sipped my drink and and stressed about all the other people in the room. And if by chance I actually ate I would be so concerned as to what people, I didn't even know would think as they were forced to watch such a hideous creature make such a mess of such a simple task.
That really I could have been eating  a charcoal block than a delicious steak for I am sure it would have tasted the same

Thank the stars those days are over 

Tonight's feast of tastes and textures for the senses was bought to you by

 Maedaya

Maedaya is a lovely Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant and Saki house, on Bridge road in Richmond
Not only is it a fantastic place to eat and explore the many taste of this style of food
but the service has always been excellent and the atmosphere with the ropes an dim lighting sets the tone for a great night
A restaurant that I will definitely be visiting again very soon
Tonight this time we were upstairs where they let you barbecue your meat selection at the table on a Hibachi grill. it is completely barren of style plain walls and decor with huge stainless steel extraction fans overhead  whirring away madly to get rid of the smoke from the Hibachi on our table
That still did not distract away from the fantastic atmosphere and as usual I tried something that previously I would never have ordered before. this time it was "soft shell crap "

As the second round came out to the table I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance to giant squashed and fried huntsmen spiders.
But the taste of these delicious morsels was more than enough to wipe that image as soon as it appeared to be replaced with a simple yet complex mix of flavours
In fact all of the food we sampled tonight was nothing less than perfect in my mind, and yes a big part of that was more being able to share that joy with close friends.

It  wasn't until I got home that I realised how bad I used to be and how much I enjoy this new found sense of pure pleasure at being able to share great times with good friends over lovely food. and it was only then that I realised that my silly issues with food have disappeared into a void along with the many of the other unhealthy traits I used to possess.

Thankyou to all of my friends who were able to make it tonight , And for those who unable to make it tonight I look forward to catching up with you for more great company and food soon.


 =^.^=

One week down

So its only been one week since I went back to work as Alice or just five days if you want to be technical about it. I'm still a little overwhelmed at the fact I finally did it after all this time . and a little surprised at how fast it all happened once I made a decision

I had been expecting some resistance at work to be honest. Don't get me wrong my bosses have been so supportive and understanding of my need to take such a huge life changing decision. And over the last few years I have received little in the way of  negative reactions. And even those were snide comments and derogatory comments not aggressive and threatening actions 

At work Charlie is just amazing to say the least, for a man who is in his 60's his reaction towards me has been one of total respect and understanding we still chat and joke just as we did last year. the only difference is that he now calls me Alice and thinks of me, or I should say treats me as if I am a genetic female.

As for the girls in the office. they are also calling and treating me with the same respect I gave them in coming out to them. they are now advising my customers that Alice will come to measure or install their showers, mirrors or splash-backs
And already this week I have been to seen several of my clients from last year and this might sound silly ,but the lack of a reaction to seeing me in obviously female clothing and make-up is both reassuring and unsettling at the same time. not that I expected a bad reaction ,I just guessed there might have been a moment of surprise .And in a discussion with one new mum I told her about my Daughter , then I suddenly wondered if she knew I was originally male or if she was convinced I had given birth and was a real female
as some of my friends tell me how passable I am
Oh Well

Of my trade customers four this week have seen the new and improved me
when I told Sam I was changing my name and explained why he was actually surprised to say the least , but he did ask some questions and I answered them all honestly without going into to much detail . He seemed to take on board this news quite well and seemed happy that I had enough respect for him to explain why and what was happening

Joe . now he's a different kettle of fish. Several months ago he politely asked if I was gay, as he was picking up some signals from me and was trying to work it out . Not being in a position
So when I told him that I was in transition from male to female, and that I had gone full-time
He was not shocked at all and mentioned that he had noticed certain developments over the last year
so even without a bra it was becoming impossible to hide my new breasts. Which of course I'm more than happy about
So after I helped him get his order together as he was about to leave he got half way through using my old name then in a fluster apologised and used my new name. Its that point of time where you grin from ear to ear.
Not because he got flustered but because he said sorry and corrected himself
I am sure that over the next six months that will happen less until finally the name he thinks of is Alice
But I would be a fool to think that I can break this news and have everyone get it straight away
but the fact of someone correcting themselves means that they are trying to show you that they actually respect your decision

The biggest surprise bar far was my bosses two young kids came over to say hi and offer us doughnuts
Quoting them  " hi Alice would you like a doughnut "
They are only about 10 years old and have always called me by my former name. But obviously Matthew had sat them down and explained some of what is happening too me.
I know that children adapt to changes a bit quicker, but I feel flattered that Matthew respects me enough to explain  it to his children


So next week I have several appointments with past clients, some of those are on construction sites not that I expect to be treated any differently than before, although with past experience when I have been a little more obvious, I have been pleasantly surprised at the offers of assistance and the polite way that I have been treated. So really I can only expect this next coming week to be just as positive


Even still It is such an odd feeling of stillness and peace inside. And I am sure this quietness will feel more comfortable in time but right now it leaves me a little confused as I wasn't really ready for it to be this easy

But I am still more than happy with the outcome so Far . And looking forward to the future with expectation of  the marvellous experiences yet to happen

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read


Alice

=^.^=

Just an ordinary life

January the ninth 2012

Just a regular day after two weeks holiday. Not so for me as it is also my first day back at work, after the Christmas Dinner when I came out to all

22nd of December I starting living full-time and its been so nice waking showering and then getting dressed without having to think how am I supposed to present today so after two weeks it is so normal now to wake up put on a bra and make-up and head off

This morning was really no different I tried one top and decided no..... not today and put something else on
and decided yes, of into the bathroom brush my teeth and put on some powder and lippy, and head out the door . The only difference was that today I was going to work and being me

Me and Charlie get along quite well . And this morning was no different and as we shared an early morning cuppa he turns around and says " from now on I'm going to call you Alice ,and would you like me to refer to you as SHE and HER "      my reply is obviously a big grin and a nod  " yes thank you Charlie " I didn't need to finish of the rest as he knew how much I appreciated both his friendship and acceptance of me.

For the rest of the day every time he needed to ask a question or ask for assistance he would call out Alice. and not even once slipped even though I expected he might, it is of course only natural to slip up when someone changes  their name or gender .
Several of the trade guys came in today and other than taking a moment to work out in their head why I am wearing girls clothes and a bra .  and once they worked it out it was just business as usual ordering a shower or materials from me just like they always used to
OK most haven't called me Alice yet , but I expect that's because neither myself or my bosses have told them yet
but it is after all my first day back and and it will take them a while to get used to calling me a different name
I already know they have noticed that I'm a bit different but they also know that I pull out all the stops for them when they need it.

So tomorrow is going to be just another day at work as me

I'd so love to be able to say ,oh my god it was so amazing even the sky was bluer and the air sweeter with the fragrance of life
OK it was a bit brighter today.... But really its just a normal day in an ordinary life

the only change i noticed is that no one is scratching their heads in confusion any more


So really living full-time is   " Just an ordinary life   "
 

whats in a name

A very good friend of mine asked me about my name and How I came to choose it

As you probably all know I wasn't fortunate enough to be born in either the correct gender or born with a name that felt like mine
For years even before I discovered who I really was I have been wishing to change my name for one that felt like it truly belonged to me . Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the fact mine is the only name in the calendar
when listed as just the initials. And those months have been and still are what I call power months, where things would mostly fall into place with relative ease
I went through so many choices of male names to try and make me feel like more of a man including a name made purely from futhark runes to empower me with a super manliness that no other name could
"maelstrom" part of my wiccan days each letter itself a symbol of power and strength
needles to say for the year my life was in complete turmoil as I could not handle to power in that name


many years later when I was finally able to accept the real me
and finally gave in to her kicking and screaming for freedom . The name came to me as if by magic

"Alice "    I had known an Alice back in the day and she was so cool, kind, fun and all round exuded energy every day
There may have also been a bit of "Alice in Wonderland " in their to as I felt like I was about to fall down the rabbit hole myself

"Paige" Well that's an easy one .I felt for the first time like finally my life was about to change and with a new book chapter and page was about to begin
Also I liked the "too Serve " meaning behind the name
So I just added an "I" to it and presto I felt correct with the name "Alice Paige"

"Renae"   As I was getting ready to move to Melbourne several months later, I knew that I would be leaving behind one of the most significant women in my life. The one lady who had been a constant friend and confidant. My Hairdresser who had for nine years been the only person - who had creative license over my long tresses.
With the pain at the thought of leaving her behind, I felt the only true way to honor her was to take her name "Renae" for my middle name.

At last I have a complete name - one that makes me feel whole and connected in every way.
A name that embodies who I really am. I feel the bond with my name deeply and I look forward to the day that my name will officially be

  Alice Renae Paige 

Birthday

Birthdays are funny things

you have in mind exactly how you want it to go lots of cards from lots of friends even if you don't really talk to them or know them in the real world

This year I had planned on having a big dinner party with all my friends nearby at some swanky restaurant
more to make me feel like I had lots of close friends
But as I was heading back home from Adelaide I realised I would be just as happy sleeping through my
uhhmmm how old did I say I was again....... oh yes that's right . My 36th birthday   

My amazing friend in Sydney sent me flowers and the Iris's have just started to fully open showing both the blue and the pink petals of the Lily . I love both  Iris's and lily's. they have a great scent and if cared for they last 7 - 10 days

Ive never had Pink Iris's before so I was surprised this morning when the next flower opened up pink Im curios to see just what colour the next bloom will be

For my Birthday I ended up going shopping almost all Day with a Close friend in search of nice tops for my fist week back at work finally as Me . Granted I think she's trying to get me fat again or say I need sweetening up as we Shared a Huge plate of churros and chocolate dipping sauces

 I only wish that this was the size of the plate ours was three times the size 

They are basically a thin crispy doughnut batter but so yummy you don't want to stop at just one
and I swear within half an hour I could feel all that extra sugar coursing around
So It was lucky we had a huge shopping mall to explore
which also is a double edged sword so many beautiful dresses that I could easily have caused my credit card to spontaneously combust . But no I was very good and reminded my self that as good as I would look in that gorgeous red dress, it would not be practical for installing showers
so onwards we searched only to be sidetracked by the next item of non work related clothing
So after several hours of window shopping we headed over to the DFO( direct factory outlet )
where after yet again oohing and aahhing over more gorgeous dresses. I finally walked out with Seven new cute tops and a new pair of sneakers

After all this excitement we caught up with another good friend for coffee at her house where I got to show of my haul and catch up on all the gossip
My suggestion of a meal out was met with excitement as I hadn't eaten any thing other than Churros
the three of us shared a wonderful meal at a by chance find Chinese restaurant  sampling each others order and having a great time And I think we all fell in love with the Kung Bo ( its an odd dish ,starts out like sweet and sour then comes in with a Chili and Ginger kick )

Kung bo Chicken 

SO for not really planning anything other than shopping I ended up having a great day and evening with two of  my wonderful friends

I cant think of anything better than shopping and catching up with friends on my Special Day



=^.^=

hoops good fun

Yay I have my hoops back
its so funny I just started hooping again and have little sore points from the metal hoop where it spins along my stomach
Back in Adelaide I used to hula hoop in my house in the back yard
and had quite the routine going from the basic spin to and incorporated a series of tricks and transitions that once complete I would begin again
I actually thought no one else hooped until a few months later all these hoopists started coming out of the woodwork in my last month in Adelaide I spent some great time with a lady who helped me with a couple of routines  and her partner who started teaching me how to juggle which I've all but forgotten

I know have my collapsible hoop that needs a little love and more weight
My Aluminium that I had specially made for me at a pipe benders and then welded up by some other amused people when I showed them a quick routine . which I ended up weighting with salt so its 500g heavier now
Painful at the start as its also quite narrow

And the makings of my monster hoop
This will be purely for training so basic black and over an inch and a bit wide and really heavy somewhere around the one kilo mark
 so I have to work even more. I should have it finished next week so if you see me in pain you know why

And near the end of the year I will be adding two more hoops to my collection
an amazing led hoop that looks stunning at night
and a flame hoop for special occasions and wide open areas

this is the next hoop I want

http://hoop-daddy.net/LEDHoops.aspx

hopefully I'll get to post a video of my routine once I get it down pat

loves all 

=^.^= 

I got my Baby back

After Two years of being in storage just waiting for me to come and reclaim her
Finally she's back where she belongs
my beloved road bike

My Baby

This was my first real bike

My old beast . I still miss it 

A beautiful Avanti aggressor mountain bike a black and red beast that used to take me on huge day trips around the hillside regions of Adelaide was unfortunately stolen by of all people a long term and psychological abuser I used to call a friend  $5,000 worth of machine and 16 Years of friendship lost in one week
My local Bike shop knowing my plight offered me A new bike at a ridiculously cheap price
$1,800 for A brand new $4,000 road bike
the lady that owned it had been given the bike from her sponsors for training but she didn't need or have room for it  in amongst her Two training bikes and her $15,000 dollar track bike
it still took me a while to come up with the money but My first real ride was a lovely 2 hour trek in the hills
pretty soon I was clocking up almost 600 kilometres a week and feeling and looking great

So now at last I have my bike back . She needs to go in for a thorough service first
But I can tell were going to have so much fun together
in my last job I used to have an opportunity to take my bike out for rides around Frankston Dromana and Red hill and various other areas that would have been fun to ride around and see the sights
As I used to be finished work by 3:30 and had plenty of daylight left to go sightseeing

I'm looking forward to seeing how quickly I can regain the level of fitness I used to have And how my body looks without this extra layer of blubber I seem to have acquired
Its just a pity I cant pick where I lose it from but as long as I get my Dimples of Venus back I will be a very happy girl .

So Next week I can actually take it for a proper ride and seeing I have my hernia fixed that will hopefully make things a lot more comfortable especially with the carbon seat that has all the resistance and comfort of a brick.

Funny thing Is I might be in an opportunity to trade it for another mountain bike after a discussion with a bike shop in Sunshine so if it not the "Bumble Bee" it will be the "Ice Queen"
yum ice cream
 

Ice Queen