Dumb Ass

For months now (OK a year) I have been lamenting the lose of someone very special in my life here in Melbourne
as is pretty obvious from most of my updates .
Someone that I had always enjoyed spending time, as we exploring this great big city together.
(remember that I come from Adelaide, a small village in South Australia. OK, so it calls itself a city but at one square mile and less than a third of the population of Melbourne, its a small village)
We would regularly catch up for a meal or just go skating and other fun things that we used to do.
So many of my fondest memories included her, just lying in fed square with her is still one of my favourite memories
Despite having some great close friends, not having her in my life really sucks

And the silly part of this, is that its probably my fault in more ways than I care to admit.
At the time I was having so much difficulty reading her motives and expressions I assumed, that she had lost all interest in me ( this may be true).  However having disabling panic attacks, that prevented me from having anything of a social life with her and telling her to forget about me over and over again , did not really help my cause at all.
Yes I was screaming for her help, help to see more of this city, help to learn how to feel and help to find a way to integrate myself in the community as a functional person, not this twisted wreck I feel like now.

Even after all this time I still find myself wanting to ask "how she's been" and "how her studies are going"       ( not that I need to ask at all, she's so damn smart).I don't even ask our mutual friends about her, even though they know that I'm curious about how she's doing.

But the two things that really surprised me were,

1.  Her her partner is going through a rough patch, and all I want to do is reach out to them and offer my help and support and to let them know I care for them.
2. Recently I found myself in a position to offer something of benefit to, either her partner or my close friend.
   both of these people invest an enormous amount of time and energy into bettering our community.
   Suffice to say that I had to ask a third party for advice, as I did not want my decision affected by emotions.

I know that I need to move on and put her out of my mind, but I have only ever done that to one person, his treatment to me was tantamount to physical and psychological, abuse mixed up with a healthy dose of theft not bad for a friend of 16 years.
I have never been good at forgetting the ones I love, even when that love changes or when I realise their the psycho ex

So I guess for now. I'm stuck remembering a friend that I no longer get to see or hear from. but whom I'll never forget

Self Doubt

Recently I have been finding myself doubting my abilities

This has been bought on by a series of events out of my control. Yes part of that has been the severe depression I have faced this last few years and some major personal upsets outside of the work arena
However

At work when I came back on the 9th of January, as Alice full-time no longer having to hide behind boy clothes and a boys name. I took over the  the day to day running of the office and still found time to fulfil my Shower installation commitments. Taking each of my duties as a separate duty, and performing them all with a sense of renewed pride for both myself and the company. this lasted for Two months until they decided to summarily replace me with someone from the other factory. As you would expect I was not pleased with this decision at all. As I had after all over the last year invested close to
500 hours of extra and unpaid work hours.
All in an attempt to improve the company profile, and also to secure my eventual position as the "Manager".
A role I was looking forward to performing as it would allow me to withdraw from the installation side and focus on building the company into a worthy venture.

Needless to say my attention and commitment soon after began to wane. And mistakes were becoming a regular feature as I found my self losing faith in my skills and an increased apathy towards the companies best interests. Yes I owned up to my mistakes( all of them ) but the odd thing is I found that I was being blamed for all the mistakes that went on in the factory, and quicker than  you can say "swiss-cheese" I was getting blamed for everything
Shortly after my van, that I used to install with broke down and became un-drivable, I found myself in the office being told your fired , no formal written warning no recourse on offer to me , just go take your broken van and go

Now over a month later as I struggle to keep up with the bills and try to run my own business without a working van. I discover that I am still being blamed and held responsible for the continuing problems at my old workplace ,most recently ,apparently I somehow sneaked in and altered all the cut-sheet programs so that nothing would fit correctly. (in fact one of the showers I bought of them since I was fired refused to fit without a lot of coaxing and nice words spoken )_
I wonder now how much longer it will be before they realise that they were instrumental in affecting my confidence and judgement in a negative manner. And just how many of those mistakes were not actually even mine in the first place.

Even now I find myself second guessing my natural talent and skills that I have learnt over the years. And ask myself how much longer it will be, before I learn to trust my judgement and skill again

 

Days

There are days where I'm certain and sure of who I am and the positive impact I have been lucky to both receive and imbue on others
Days where I know only to well what has to be done , said or given to make a difference in someone else's life

And then there are days like today
where I just feel so lost and helpless that I forget everything I have learnt this last few years
and wish nothing more than to curl up into a tight ball and be forgotten
unfortunately now this is how I have felt for weeks
all I do is go to work have a small sunny moment then come back home and hide in bed till the next day begins
surrounded by the detritus of cups of tea and cake .

I fear sometimes if I didn't have to work I would never come out again
And yet I'm supposed to be strong and show just how much of a successful  a woman I am

I don't believe I'm any of these things any more
 At times I realise just how weak and powerless I really am
I even realise that my list of true friends keeps shrinking as more people realise just what a waste of space I have become (the original oxygen thief )

I don't want to go to work ,I don't want to go out and right now I really don't want to exist
I'm just lucky that I'm either to weak or to pig headed to end it

One little pill

 Sorry that my first post in ages, is so morbid , but I have this sudden urge to start sharing my life again

  All my life  , well as long as I can possibly remember I have battled with severe depression and thoughts of ending my life. Instead of being smart and seeking help I hid it away and continued in stoic silence as if nothing could affect me > i was strong and I would get through it
  Having known a lot of my friends back in Adelaide who were on anti-depressants . and seeing that glazed expression in their eyes that came with the type of medication they were on  .  And then when I asked them about the side effects , yes they did help but not by much they would say .  and go on further to explain that the medications although keeping them even and prevented the horrible lows ,they also prevented them from feeling the happier moments and the incredible euphoric rush from being so happy you can burst .
  So i decided that they were not for me , I always said I would much rather risk my life on the roller-coaster of emotions.
  Yes my Lows would get so bad that I contemplated ending it all an awful lot , more than i care to admit even to myself . But Ohh those highs , oh  I would forget about how bad the last week had been , and just revel in the orgasmic joy an freedom, only to come over that crest and plummet to the  the bottom of the next dip in such a state I would forget the incredible joy I had felt  no less than two days ago. Where I would end  up in a wreckage  of  blankets tissues and the all important comfort foods on such a regular occurrence   it was now a weekly ritual to pull myself out of bed on Monday go to work then crash back into bed on Friday and hide away all weekend. The worst part of this is that I kept that up for almost seven years . With the odd weekend where I was able to go see a friend if I still had any left and the occasional time where I entertained them with a meal at my house .
I dare say my Ex knew and didn't let on ,just as she didn't let on that she knew I was transgender. I don't really know how I would have coped if she had told then I wasn't fooling anybody about either of these issues

  So all these years later I have made my move to lovely Melbourne started my transition and made some lovely close friends that i never thought i could have before > I'm being active in my community and able to help my friends deal with their emotions , I'm past all my problems YaY
so really I shouldn't have issues with depression and those god damn horrendous Migraines any more. But NO this year it crept up on me again. Sneakily get in without me seeing . until once again im hiding in bed for days on end , not returning my friends calls and avoiding life once more
  It all came to a head three weeks ago after almost three weeks of avoiding everyone and hiding at home in bed , going so far as to try to turn the people I love most, against me just so I had a valid reason to feel so utterly miserable
late on a Tuesday night I both Wrote and Addressed the letter that would let everyone I knew and loved that I was to weak and gutless to continue living. And that I didn't value them enough to call on them when I needed Help . Fortunately I fell asleep before I could muster the energy to get up and run a bath

Wednesday morning I once again got up went to work ,only to hit a wall of pain and heartache by Eleven , Knowing just how bad I was then I finally walked into my GP's office ,well the look on my face told him all he needed to . Ten minutes later im going home with my newest addition to my ever growing medication list and some sleeping tablets ( not what i planned on )

 

Some three Days  and 60 hours sleep later. I can see the veil over my eyes from the medications im on . and it was kind of comforting . almost vaguely aware of your surroundings , and just the act of making a cuppa was almost like watching someone else make it for me
Thankfully that only lasted two days while my medications settled to normal levels
So now every morning and night I take my precious little saviour. I the knowledge that I really do have so much more to live for ,and so much more I have to offer my community by being alive
And What is more the medications still allow me to feel jealousy , hurt , anger and sadness albeit to a lesser extent  so I can see why im feeling that and resolve it not allow it to drown me . But they also allow me to feel that intense joy and happiness that life has to offer.

I write this Partly to express how I feel at times but more hopefully for that one person who feels at the end of their rope .And might find help knowing they are not the only one feeling like its the end

Sorry for the depressing nature of this post