Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Maedaya ( a food lovers delight )

It is the simple pleasures in life that I find so outstandingly amazing today
The sun on my face, a smile from a stranger making new friends and__Eating out

It really was not that long ago ( just Two short years ) that just the concept of food and eating out would leave me in cold sweats and anxious.
For days before I was due to go out for a meal with friends  I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that more often than not I would create some form of  "plausible" excuse to get out of something that should be an enjoyable event. And I am sure that's the main reason my friends stopped inviting me out.

The few times that I was not able to get out of a meal in public the tension would build up to a point that the distress would be more than visible to all my friends and sitting in a cool restaurant sweating and looking like I'm about to explode from fear would compound my fears even more, till more often than not I would either order the safest cleanest meal or claim not to be hungry at all and just sip my drink as my friends ate a sumptuous feast with glee at the tastes swirling around in their mouths.
As I sipped my drink and and stressed about all the other people in the room. And if by chance I actually ate I would be so concerned as to what people, I didn't even know would think as they were forced to watch such a hideous creature make such a mess of such a simple task.
That really I could have been eating  a charcoal block than a delicious steak for I am sure it would have tasted the same

Thank the stars those days are over 

Tonight's feast of tastes and textures for the senses was bought to you by

 Maedaya

Maedaya is a lovely Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant and Saki house, on Bridge road in Richmond
Not only is it a fantastic place to eat and explore the many taste of this style of food
but the service has always been excellent and the atmosphere with the ropes an dim lighting sets the tone for a great night
A restaurant that I will definitely be visiting again very soon
Tonight this time we were upstairs where they let you barbecue your meat selection at the table on a Hibachi grill. it is completely barren of style plain walls and decor with huge stainless steel extraction fans overhead  whirring away madly to get rid of the smoke from the Hibachi on our table
That still did not distract away from the fantastic atmosphere and as usual I tried something that previously I would never have ordered before. this time it was "soft shell crap "

As the second round came out to the table I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance to giant squashed and fried huntsmen spiders.
But the taste of these delicious morsels was more than enough to wipe that image as soon as it appeared to be replaced with a simple yet complex mix of flavours
In fact all of the food we sampled tonight was nothing less than perfect in my mind, and yes a big part of that was more being able to share that joy with close friends.

It  wasn't until I got home that I realised how bad I used to be and how much I enjoy this new found sense of pure pleasure at being able to share great times with good friends over lovely food. and it was only then that I realised that my silly issues with food have disappeared into a void along with the many of the other unhealthy traits I used to possess.

Thankyou to all of my friends who were able to make it tonight , And for those who unable to make it tonight I look forward to catching up with you for more great company and food soon.


 =^.^=