Working creatively

Having gained a wealth of knowledge from my many years in the shopfitting industry.

Building something as simple as a small kiosk in a shopping mall, fitting out major retail outlets across Australia. And performing complete renovations to to office buildings, to the tenant's designs. Sometimes in such a way as to keep the office in general operational. This is difficult yet not impossible, it just needs a bit of planning and forethought

lately I have been called upon by a friend, to design and manufacture overhead cabinets in their kitchen, and to modify their counter top for so they could install their new oven. I'm pleased to say they love the way my cabinets have cleaned up what was, not a user friendly design.

My current project sees me quoting for a clothing store that I regularly buy my wardrobe items from.
All in all it is quite an extensive make over comprising of:

two new change-rooms,

a free standing mirror

and 

extra hanging rails to the back of the change-rooms.

And this is just stage one.

Stage two will see me constructing several office partitions from the floor up, and remodelling their staff kitchen.  

As I sat designing the layout and the various fixtures, I remembered what is I enjoy so much about my work.
Its seeing the smiling face of another happy customer, yes I like the money too obviously

Its a great feeling to know that I still possess a talent and to see that all my skills are still as sharp as they were years ago. now all I need to do is learn how to sell myself.

Self Doubt

Recently I have been finding myself doubting my abilities

This has been bought on by a series of events out of my control. Yes part of that has been the severe depression I have faced this last few years and some major personal upsets outside of the work arena
However

At work when I came back on the 9th of January, as Alice full-time no longer having to hide behind boy clothes and a boys name. I took over the  the day to day running of the office and still found time to fulfil my Shower installation commitments. Taking each of my duties as a separate duty, and performing them all with a sense of renewed pride for both myself and the company. this lasted for Two months until they decided to summarily replace me with someone from the other factory. As you would expect I was not pleased with this decision at all. As I had after all over the last year invested close to
500 hours of extra and unpaid work hours.
All in an attempt to improve the company profile, and also to secure my eventual position as the "Manager".
A role I was looking forward to performing as it would allow me to withdraw from the installation side and focus on building the company into a worthy venture.

Needless to say my attention and commitment soon after began to wane. And mistakes were becoming a regular feature as I found my self losing faith in my skills and an increased apathy towards the companies best interests. Yes I owned up to my mistakes( all of them ) but the odd thing is I found that I was being blamed for all the mistakes that went on in the factory, and quicker than  you can say "swiss-cheese" I was getting blamed for everything
Shortly after my van, that I used to install with broke down and became un-drivable, I found myself in the office being told your fired , no formal written warning no recourse on offer to me , just go take your broken van and go

Now over a month later as I struggle to keep up with the bills and try to run my own business without a working van. I discover that I am still being blamed and held responsible for the continuing problems at my old workplace ,most recently ,apparently I somehow sneaked in and altered all the cut-sheet programs so that nothing would fit correctly. (in fact one of the showers I bought of them since I was fired refused to fit without a lot of coaxing and nice words spoken )_
I wonder now how much longer it will be before they realise that they were instrumental in affecting my confidence and judgement in a negative manner. And just how many of those mistakes were not actually even mine in the first place.

Even now I find myself second guessing my natural talent and skills that I have learnt over the years. And ask myself how much longer it will be, before I learn to trust my judgement and skill again

 

Acceptance

I thought I had finished coming out to all my clients and had clean forgotten about at least one, That was until today when one of them phoned me this morning asking if I could measure up a shower for him

Phil has known me only as Jason for over a year now , but I think really hes always known there's something a little different about me, but he's never questioned me about it, even though he has seen my changes as periodic  snapshots so each development has been a bit more obvious for him, than those who I work with every day

He is one of my fairly regular clients. And knows that I always provide him with the best service and product
and as such never quibbles about price . I fact he never bothers to call at the office anymore as he knows he gets the best service by calling me direct.

Today we greeted as usual with a handshake and a quick catch up about what we've been up to
This is the moment when I let him know I have changed my name
his response was   " I had better update my contact list then"

The part that really shocked me though was when he was rang the client for entry
without even a thought in one sentence
" Myself and Alice are here to measure up
  Yes,  she does excellent work "
he referred to me as Alice and She without even thinking about it.
and all I could say was "Thankyou"


Even Colin at work admits he has trouble with referring to me as She, and even with clients he will say
"Alice can help you with that,  I'll get him to call you"
He even went on to state today when I asked him about that
" When you get your outy turned into in inny, I'll call you she "
I cant really fault him for that line of thought. I know he respects me as a person and that matters more to me than anything
I am looking forward to the day that I can finally afford to have my body totally in line with how I feel
and seeing so many of my friends having just had there surgeries or are only mere months away makes me more excited that in two years I might finally be able to afford both My facial feminisation surgeries and my own gender affirmation. excited just thinking about it

So to all my friends who have just had theirs or are just about to  " Bitch"   lol
seriously so happy for you all

Who do I believe

A few of my friends have told me that I am far more passable than I believe I am
and that twisted shy scared and self doubting voice in my head always tells me

" there just being nice dear "
" your not really passable at all"

And me being me, I just blush smile and wish the words were true
I still see so many flaws when I look in the mirror. I'm not expecting it to shatter and explode into small shards from the hideous creature it tries to reflect
But I still so much room for improvement , I could list them all but I would bore you to tears

Yet almost all of the people I meet in my day to day working life, rarely even bat an eyelid when I introduce myself.
"HI I'm Alice   And I will be installing your Shower?mirror etc"

They are nothing but polite and interested in seeing the fruits of my labour
And just this week one of my clients was explaining on the phone to his customer

"She recommends you go for this style of shower  ,Alice also ......."

Hes only met me the once and the simple fact I'm a transgender girl doesn't even rate a thought



Then just today I'm all the way out at Wallan to install a shower on a building site .
next thing I hear one of the tradies Shout and curse and swear because someone stole all the doors he was meant to install from the garage (hour and a bit drive to find you cant work ,would annoy even the gentlest of souls )
As he walks around the corner he sees me quietly working away. And instantly the first words out of his mouth
" I'm sorry about swearing, I didn't realise we had a lady on site"
 nope hes not wearing coke bottle glasses or stumbling around like he just left the bar

 I seem to remember That for most of 2011 and the later half of 2010, I was getting odd looks and stares daily
and clients would make a comment or ask a question of me to try and understand what they were seeing
On more than one occasion I was quite directly asked if I am transitioning
to all these questions I would answer honestly and would elaborate if they asked more of me


So who do I believe 


This voice in my head that doubts both myself as a person and my potential at every turn 
or 
my friends who care for me , and the overwhelming army of passer-bys that just accept and treat me as a female  


Maybe just maybe, maybe I  should learn to accept myself half as much as others seem to
crazy idea !

One week down

So its only been one week since I went back to work as Alice or just five days if you want to be technical about it. I'm still a little overwhelmed at the fact I finally did it after all this time . and a little surprised at how fast it all happened once I made a decision

I had been expecting some resistance at work to be honest. Don't get me wrong my bosses have been so supportive and understanding of my need to take such a huge life changing decision. And over the last few years I have received little in the way of  negative reactions. And even those were snide comments and derogatory comments not aggressive and threatening actions 

At work Charlie is just amazing to say the least, for a man who is in his 60's his reaction towards me has been one of total respect and understanding we still chat and joke just as we did last year. the only difference is that he now calls me Alice and thinks of me, or I should say treats me as if I am a genetic female.

As for the girls in the office. they are also calling and treating me with the same respect I gave them in coming out to them. they are now advising my customers that Alice will come to measure or install their showers, mirrors or splash-backs
And already this week I have been to seen several of my clients from last year and this might sound silly ,but the lack of a reaction to seeing me in obviously female clothing and make-up is both reassuring and unsettling at the same time. not that I expected a bad reaction ,I just guessed there might have been a moment of surprise .And in a discussion with one new mum I told her about my Daughter , then I suddenly wondered if she knew I was originally male or if she was convinced I had given birth and was a real female
as some of my friends tell me how passable I am
Oh Well

Of my trade customers four this week have seen the new and improved me
when I told Sam I was changing my name and explained why he was actually surprised to say the least , but he did ask some questions and I answered them all honestly without going into to much detail . He seemed to take on board this news quite well and seemed happy that I had enough respect for him to explain why and what was happening

Joe . now he's a different kettle of fish. Several months ago he politely asked if I was gay, as he was picking up some signals from me and was trying to work it out . Not being in a position
So when I told him that I was in transition from male to female, and that I had gone full-time
He was not shocked at all and mentioned that he had noticed certain developments over the last year
so even without a bra it was becoming impossible to hide my new breasts. Which of course I'm more than happy about
So after I helped him get his order together as he was about to leave he got half way through using my old name then in a fluster apologised and used my new name. Its that point of time where you grin from ear to ear.
Not because he got flustered but because he said sorry and corrected himself
I am sure that over the next six months that will happen less until finally the name he thinks of is Alice
But I would be a fool to think that I can break this news and have everyone get it straight away
but the fact of someone correcting themselves means that they are trying to show you that they actually respect your decision

The biggest surprise bar far was my bosses two young kids came over to say hi and offer us doughnuts
Quoting them  " hi Alice would you like a doughnut "
They are only about 10 years old and have always called me by my former name. But obviously Matthew had sat them down and explained some of what is happening too me.
I know that children adapt to changes a bit quicker, but I feel flattered that Matthew respects me enough to explain  it to his children


So next week I have several appointments with past clients, some of those are on construction sites not that I expect to be treated any differently than before, although with past experience when I have been a little more obvious, I have been pleasantly surprised at the offers of assistance and the polite way that I have been treated. So really I can only expect this next coming week to be just as positive


Even still It is such an odd feeling of stillness and peace inside. And I am sure this quietness will feel more comfortable in time but right now it leaves me a little confused as I wasn't really ready for it to be this easy

But I am still more than happy with the outcome so Far . And looking forward to the future with expectation of  the marvellous experiences yet to happen

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read


Alice

=^.^=

Just an ordinary life

January the ninth 2012

Just a regular day after two weeks holiday. Not so for me as it is also my first day back at work, after the Christmas Dinner when I came out to all

22nd of December I starting living full-time and its been so nice waking showering and then getting dressed without having to think how am I supposed to present today so after two weeks it is so normal now to wake up put on a bra and make-up and head off

This morning was really no different I tried one top and decided no..... not today and put something else on
and decided yes, of into the bathroom brush my teeth and put on some powder and lippy, and head out the door . The only difference was that today I was going to work and being me

Me and Charlie get along quite well . And this morning was no different and as we shared an early morning cuppa he turns around and says " from now on I'm going to call you Alice ,and would you like me to refer to you as SHE and HER "      my reply is obviously a big grin and a nod  " yes thank you Charlie " I didn't need to finish of the rest as he knew how much I appreciated both his friendship and acceptance of me.

For the rest of the day every time he needed to ask a question or ask for assistance he would call out Alice. and not even once slipped even though I expected he might, it is of course only natural to slip up when someone changes  their name or gender .
Several of the trade guys came in today and other than taking a moment to work out in their head why I am wearing girls clothes and a bra .  and once they worked it out it was just business as usual ordering a shower or materials from me just like they always used to
OK most haven't called me Alice yet , but I expect that's because neither myself or my bosses have told them yet
but it is after all my first day back and and it will take them a while to get used to calling me a different name
I already know they have noticed that I'm a bit different but they also know that I pull out all the stops for them when they need it.

So tomorrow is going to be just another day at work as me

I'd so love to be able to say ,oh my god it was so amazing even the sky was bluer and the air sweeter with the fragrance of life
OK it was a bit brighter today.... But really its just a normal day in an ordinary life

the only change i noticed is that no one is scratching their heads in confusion any more


So really living full-time is   " Just an ordinary life   "
 

the Christmas work lunch

As the Christmas / coming out lunch drew ever closer . Instead of feeling daunted or feeling like maybe I shouldn't go never really entered my mind . Although I did detour to visit my Doctor to thank him for all the care he has given me this year, and a little trip to buy perfume and moisturiser .
So I arrived there fashionably late . and much to the surprise of everyone I arrived quite casually dressed in jeans, boots and a nice blue top that showed my shoulders. Armed with my favourite outfit and freshly styled hair. I was ready to show the true me to all
Charlie was the first to greet me still wearing a cap as always " Hi Alice how has your day been " . that pretty much set the tone for the day
everyone was so nice and friendly . Almost as if they knew how big a decision it was for me to be real with them all
of course I naturally gravitated to the girls table . I have always had better conversations with girls for obvious reasons. They were somewhat surprised to see me but with in minutes we were getting along fine and Maria asked a few pointed questions which I was only to happy to answer

Thomas(my boss) being the lout that he is thwacked my bra ,my response was to in my most put out voice ,claim that id have him for harassment . to which we all had a good laugh
I even got a peck on the cheek from one of the lads as I was leaving

No one there was surprised by me or my attire at all. So obviously they had all been waiting for me to be ready to come out in my own sweet time.
I am so looking forward to going back to work on the ninth as Alice and not having to look back at what could have been. Instead now I can at last relax totally and just be !

now I have another good reason to buy another Pandora charm  

 =^.^=

My last day at work as a ?

So finally I had my last day at work  presenting as something not quite female and definitely anything but  male
if the way I've been treated at job sites is true
Almost every time I get onto a site I am met with offers of help or winning smiles and confused looks
It's both nice and disconcerting at the same time . As its hard to read what they are thinking
So far no-one this year has been either  rude, vulgar and no one at any of the sites has seen fit to make nasty comments about the  trannie .
I did have some bad things happen last year . But I also had so many delightful experiences that they far out weighed both the bad experiences and what I had been led to believe a lonely and sad life
Something I was much prepared for but glad that I was so surprised at both the love and heartfelt respect I have received

today would have been a perfect sitcom
the day in the life of Alice as she battles with staff that have no clue how long it takes to get a job done let alone get there and back
it really was one poorly orchestrated mishap after another . and yes I totally lost my cool and put my fist through a wall at work
Something I haven't done in many years not proud of it , but yes I had a tanty and there was not a tantrum mat in sight

Out of the Seven jobs on my list today not even one went right
From not being told the colour paint to pick up and being supplied white instead of off white (YaY)
Or the shower that I had to both build on site and spend three hours driving for
To the very large thick glass panel that not only was a pain to manoeuvre up three flights of stairs instead of the advised One . but also it  had been measured wrong so we had to get it back down into the van lugging  a Fifty kilo panel is hard enough with out having to wend it up through a narrow stairwell

 But In one way I leave this Year of work , Secure in a job with beautiful caring and loving people who acknowledge the fact I am very good at my job . but respect and understand the fact that transition for me is not a choice but a decision based on both my physical and mental well being
And as such have asked me on more than one occasion " When (not if ) I'm going to go full time "
and as such are helping me to make the transition smoother

If you think I love the job and people I work with you would be correct

Even when its as crazy as today was , I still have never had as much love and respect as I have had this last two years since I first moved here to begin anew

And as of next year I will finally be able to pick up the phone and say
" FlexiRobes, Alice Paige  speaking"


 January the Ninth I come back as Alice Renae Paige full time , no more will I have to use my old name again I so can't wait and whats even better my name change and gender marker will be updated also
so it will be official I'm a girl and I'm also really named "Alice"

Mwah love you all so much
Have a fantastic Christmas
love laugh and enjoy your time

=^.^=

It's The Final Countdown

With just Two days 13 hours 43 minutes and  11..10.. 9..7..... seconds remaining
Till I finally bust free from this prison of my own doing
no more will I be required to answer by my male name at work
no longer will I have to question the puzzled looks I get at the job sites and wonder how much do they know or do they care

December the 23rd at the staff Christmas breakup I finally get to reveal all of me
Well OK not that much
But the opportunity to show my real self as Alice is something I long for more than air itself
I am sure it will be bizarre for some of the workers from the other factory, even though they obviously have formed their own ideas about my gender and gender preference
(even I don't have an answer for preference yet ) right now I'm just happy to be in love with people



Ive already decided to go for a nice casual look for the dinner ,as I see no benefit in glamming up in sequins and feather boas . I think that would work against me
I just hope they realise that they are free to ask any question as long as its not too rude
Best of all they get three weeks holiday to adjust .

Its such a tiny thing . But I'm really looking forward to next year being able to answer the office phone and say
"Flexi Robes Alice Paige.. speaking"


tick tock...tick tock.....tick Tock

Breakfast with my boss

Someone just reminded me about this

My boss had asked me for a hand moving some furniture from his storage back into his house
And as usual I found I had double booked myself . Knowing that there would be no time to to race home and change. I decided it would be best if I went as my true self
I clean forgot to warn him that I would be there as the girl I feel I am. So when he opened the door he was a little shocked to see me all made up.
 Yet my boss being the wonderful boss he is called me by my name and never once referred to me in the male gender or name . So after I changed into a daggy t shirt and shoes we headed of and moved several van loads of furniture, white goods and books. seeing that his storage was only around the corner from his house we got the bulk of what he wanted moved in a far shorter amount of time than expected so I actually had a little time to kill before I had to head of for my coffee meetup with Y-Gender
So my boss offered to take me out for breakfast at one of his favourite cafes. I had the bircher style muesli and a latte. I was so surprised at just how comfortable he was with me even though in reality the only thing different about me was that I was dressed a lot better and had make-up on.
After our breakfast he announced that he wanted to go and look for a new lounge suite his previous house mate had left was ugly. (which it was )   So of we trot in search of the perfect lounge shop after shop we chatted freely and tried out the various options. of course I ended up finding the perfect lounge suite for myself
this gorgeous red modular with super comfy cushions reduced from $11,000 to just a mere $7,000
of course I would have to include the lamps and the lovely table with its gloss red glass top and the white entertainment unit
I think after I added up all the bits I liked and wanted it was already over $18,000. but that's my champagne taste and water budget . So I just sat in that lounge and dreamed of what might be until he returned from the toilet .
And of again we continued the hunt for the lounge he wanted. It wasn't until the last few shops , that he commented " you do realise everyone is looking at us like were some bizarre couple" I had noticed this and had been gauging his reaction to the fact that people were questioning us in their minds
I have become used to the odd looks and questioning stares by people and have learned not to be phased by it
unless it becomes something rude or threatening . And was more than ready to take of if it was past his level of comfortability. As it turned out he wasn't actually bothered by it that much. In fact he even commented on the fact that I deal with this almost daily having to live my life with odd looks and applauded the fact I deal with it so well

Sometimes I forget these little treasures in life. OK so its something so simple just a regular day for people who don't have to deal with gender dysphoria. but going out that day was so much fun I actually forgot that  my lifestyle choice is confusing for some

I know by boss hasn't read my posts since he stumbled across my coming out letter too my ex girlfriend and friend . But I hope he knows how much his respect of me that day meant

Surprise I know a secret

Funniest thing happened today .

I thought Charles , he is our ace shower screen producer ,smart as a tack and nice person to boot
He will occasional bring food in that his wife made to share ,and always has a good word to say and seems like a genuinely happy person. He is also well into his 60's

I've guessed for a while now that he might know more about me than I give him credit for , but never once has he made a comment about it to me, or really dropped a hint
I'm me and he thinks I'm an OK person in his book

So heres me and charlie working out how best to make another of our totally unique custom designed showers
( which really means , the sales guy sold them a shower he shouldn't have and we now have to make the damn thing work )
at the end of our planning and preparation he said
" I only know five men that can do this , make that six " with his very next breath he recants this statement with
" make that five men and a girl "
that's me spun out I know I can be a bit obvious and there are certain visible changes I can no longer hide ,nor do I desire too
then comes the nail in the coffin
" have you had the sex change yet ? and would you like me to call you Alice from now on ? "
Im glad he was on the other side of the table or he would have got the biggest hug from me

My answer . "No not yet . and only if your comfortable calling me Alice "

So now all the people in my factory both know and respect myself and my decision. 

Some Days I love my Life

mwah      =^.^=

Getting ready for fulltime

It's funny to think that only two years ago. Back when I was living in Adelaide. I was afraid to go out of the confines of my house dressed as the girl I felt I was inside
My first venture out was to my ex's house wearing my favourite boots and my corset under my male clothes
purely to let her know that I'm changing and to test the waters as to Whether she would still respect me once she found out  about my true self
It seems so foolish now looking back , the excuses of her washing machine being  broken was more a convenient way of her letting my try her clothes on for size so that I could get a better idea of what types of clothing worked for me and the sizes I needed to order
I was still very much in the closet and the thought of walking into a shop ,even under the guise of I'm getting this for a friend , filled me with dread so all my purchases were on eBay or online departments . So you can just imagine the number of items that looked good on display either didn't fit or looked totally ridiculous on me

And here I am now at the point of bursting to go full time as my true self
At work most people have a fair idea that their is something very different about me , most think I'm effeminate or gay .
some actually know the truth of things and have been most accepting towards me and are comfortable enough to make wisecracks and  jokes  nothing bad , one wisecrack  was in reference to a work BBQ , where I was warned away from the BBQ as its a man's domain , "get back into the kitchen and make salad"..

Lately my bosses asked me again when am I planning on going full-time and who do I want to know my real name.I've always convinced myself it will be next year in February . But lately I have been going to work wearing foundation mixed into my sun-block and a little powder and so far no one has said anything about it
and I have always worn my bracelets to work ,  But the big surprise for me  was last Monday I woke up and got dressed in my normal work wear yet as I was getting ready to leave I realised I had also put on a bra without really thinking about it , It was only then that I knew that February is a long way away ,I'm so not going to make it that far . I have now decided that in three weeks time I want to do my name change and start working wholly as Alice , It will be strange yes  as most of my clients are involved with the construction and renovating of development properties. so a very blokey world

Having said its a blokey environment , here I am walking in and its quite obvious that certain visual aspects are sending the cues to most of the tradies brains that I'm not really a male .
I have never in Eight years of shop-fitting  had anyone offer to help with one tool box let alone cumbersome items.
I did find one site in particularly amusing every day I was there at least two macho tradies offered assistance . And more friendly comments than I would normally expect
Maybe its a Victorian thing.

So finally today November the 9th 2011.
I actually let my boss know that I have been thinking about bringing forward my full-time date
or as he likes to call it , the Alice stops cross-dressing like a man date
So I think late this week or early next week my two bosses and The HR manager will be chatting about the best way to enable me to live full-time. And the best method for informing all the other people at the company . in a way that they feel comfortable
I'm expecting it to be where they can have it explained to them in an environment where I'm not there, so they can feel comfortable expressing their thoughts without me present and without having to censer their comments , then I will be available at another time if they would like to ask questions or find out more information from me

so my original date of February 2012 has been amended by the ever present slippery slope