Desperately seeking a new start

Sunday night or early Monday morning



Having fallen asleep once more on the couch, I groggily get ready to stumble to my bed and foolishly I decide to watch one of the two remaining Hayao Miyazaki movies I have yet to watch,
Ponyo and Whisper of the heart ( which I'm kind of watching now )

 

Yes That’s me on the right

So why is that instead of enjoying this cute movie and its message that love will find you , all I can do is sob and cry into my pillow instead, something that this movie isn't directly causing causing at all.
Its the memories that they bring back to a time where I did nothing but smile and exude joy that I freely shared with those close to me. the moments of love that I thought I had shared with someone so special to me. memories of our outings come flooding back like a Polaroid snapshot.
My special day in Federation square where I felt truly alive and loved

Strange how my memories are so bitter sweet, as I remember how easily she breached the walls I had held onto for so long and made herself comfortable inside my heart. Only to leave without a word when she was satisfied at how much damage was done and through with uses for me .
Today so many months later I still find my self feeling lonely, cold and hollow inside like someone has replaced my heart with ice blocks. No longer do I want to go out with my friends anymore, and at times I wonder why they would want me around at all anyway, I'm felling tattered and worn, longing only for sleep to take me away from my pain.


Somewhere in the last few months I have lost sight of who I am and where I'm going. And yet I still stumble around in the dark going through the motions but not really being here. Living but not really alive.Dying and not really caring.

Love and bullets

Each morning I wake and wonder why. 
Every night I wake in cold sweats as from a nightmare and question "what" 
Why after eight years of keeping every one away from my heart ,did I allow you to sidestep every defence I had in place.

My safe but cold prison, a tower of solitude 
What was I to you . A passing dalliance or play toy 
I feel more like the half dead mouse that a cat would play with tossing up into the air until it was bored, then sniffed once and left to rot under the lounge.

Or was it like so many other relationships I've had where my love for you was too intense to handle . 
I've never understood relationships and usually either give to much or care to little. Either way the result is much the same.

It's now been 391 days since we last held each other and kissed, yet it feels like a life-time away of been hidden away like something to be embarrassed about, the raggedy doll you used to hug and love yet now with torn arms and missing one eye, lying forgotten at the bottom of your toy chest.

As I sit here at "1000 £ Bend cafe", waiting for my little sister to arrive. I fear and dread that you may be here as some form of punishment for having loved you so much. Would you finally tell me why, or would you just ignore me and once again make me feel worthless and unlovable.

At least the chai tea here is excellent.

Heartache

I should be over this by now. Right?

But every  few days I think back on the friendship burgeoning into a little bit more as each day passed
the long chats filled with innuendo and promise of more to come
The flirting using my fantasies as bait to draw even more from this emotionally scared person(me)
And the lovely meals at new and exciting venues followed by our tryst in the back seat

I should be able to put these out of my mind and realise that what I felt was in no way similar to what they felt
Surely its been Eight months And Thirteen days since we were last romantically together
And its been over three months since we have had anything that would count as a real conversation or friendship
And pouring my heart out to them how much you value them and miss there friendship, only to get the reply "DITTO"
sorry but that line only works in movie's and even then it portrays their emotionally disconnected state

So if I know all this. Then why am I still hung up on the first person I allowed close enough to hurt me, leaving me a constant stumbling Idiot pining for the loss of you
Even now I wonder if I really want them back in my life or if would still like them now

Unfortunately that doesn't stop the pain I feel. and to make things worse we both have the same circle of friends and community so obviously we attend similar events and parties

I just wish that the first person to come kicking down my walls wasn't somebody that I cared so deeply for
if you had just been a one night stand I would be fine
But no I had to go and fall in love with you !

                                          

this is my favourite version 

after the original

I heard this song with a good friend while we were out shopping on my birthday, when this song came over the store stereo system .
She commented on how good the song is ,then told me not to listen as the lyrics may
somehow hurt me as she stood there biting her tongue and waiting for me to cry
And they do exactly that as they remind me of the hurt the pain and the rejection
from somebody that I used to know
And the knowledge we will never have that or anything close is a little death every time
As much as I love this song I cant help but cry for my loss

And still every day I hope that one day we can be friends again
as more than anything I miss their company

F

When you first called my name my eyes shone with the joy in the word 

When you first held my hand my heart skipped a beat

When you first lay in my arms all my fears melted away 

When you first kissed my lips I fell in love

If you ever called my name again it would be a barbed arrow to my heart
If you ever held my hand again it would be like the devils claw around my throat
If you ever lay beside me again I would surely turn to stone
If you ever kissed me again I would die from the poison on your tongue