crap

Once again I find myself revisited again by the ghosts that persist in haunting me .
Still after so many years you think I would have learnt by now how to make friends and keep them
but for some silly reason I still manage to what I'm best at
which seems to be only one thing. And that is pushing my friends away ,or putting them in a position where all they can do is abandon me.

I'm so sick and tired of this life at times , I never asked to be born this way. Lately every day I feel more lost and isolated than I can ever remember feeling before. All I want to do right now is curl up in bed and die when really all I want to do is call on a friend for help
And although I have this feeling of isolation I find that I am deliberately isolating  myself from everyone that I care about . A good friend is having a party this weekend and as much as I want to attend in my mind I have already decided that I wont be there to help her celebrate


To all my loved friends that have left and those that remain. I do love you all so much , but at times I cant bear the pain of the losses to date , and the losses to come